I’m Holley, the Coaching Director at Candeo. About two months ago, I received this message from a student who gave me permission to share:
Just got back from a date and thought of you and wanted to check in. Things have turned around for me dramatically. My brain is continuing to change. It was pretty grim for a while. But what happened tonight was proof positive that Candeo works. I’ve gone out on 5 dates with one of the most stunningly beautiful woman I have ever even spoken to. Thing is, something in my gut told me that this women was looking for a someone on the island to have dinner with, watch movies with, talk with, WHO WASN’T GOING TO LETCH ALL OVER HER.
As fantasy/trophy worthy as she is, and she really is, I have been unable to make her anything but another person.
Something very interesting happened tonight as well. With a breeze wafting into my date’s half open air home we launched into a deep conversation about relationships, sex addiction and intimacy.
I rode home along the rice fields knowing this was a very romantic night I had just had. Intimate is probably more accurate but I’m going with romantic knowing I will most likely never kiss this woman. I’m digging the idea of romance in this way. I feel good and I do not have the words to show my gratitude for this change in what I desire. My recovery is not a fluke. I love my changing brain.
The key phrases that I want you to pay attention to are: “…I have been unable to make her anything but another person.” And “….I’m digging the idea of romance this way.. I feel good and I do not have the words to show my gratitude for this change in what I desire.”
The changing of core desires is a very important mile marker that tends to come a little later in the “change” process. BUT when my students start reporting this – I notice a significant change in the recovery process.
Here’s another example of this from a forum thread titled “Porn is boring”:
The other day I was feeling blah and I was in an empty headed mood, so I went on the internet to watch porn, and a very strange thing happen to me.
I had a video in front of me and I just looked at it and said to myself: “I don’t want to do this, I’ve seen this all before, porn is boring.” And then I turned the video off and started to do something constructive.
He goes on to report:
This reaction has really made me think. And the conclusion I’ve come to is that porn is boring, repetitive and shallow. It’s doesn’t even pass as entertainment, it’s mindless, and I don’t want to be mindless. I want to connect with people and things, I want to smell the roses as I go down the path of life, rather than get a nose-full of this porn manure.
With consistent practice over time, this Student changed the way his brain interpreted pornography, and transformed his desire for porn into something far better— “connecting with people and doing something constructive.”
It is one thing to “stop” the unwanted behavior, but until a person actually discovers and endorses new, healthy alternatives that bring joy, pleasure, and fulfillment in it’s place – the change will not be permanent. Our students find that when they change their desires, their life changes in ways they never thought possible.
Masturbation is often thought of a “healthy release” and is even recommended for stress relief or to maintain a steady ‘balance.’ In fact, we often get questions from our students “Is masturbation OK?” “How many times a day can I masturbate?” “If I can’t masturbate are you saying that I can’t have any type of relief?” “If my partner won’t or can’t have sex, is masturbation an acceptable alternative?” These are all great questions and something that you need to decide for yourself, but there is some helpful information that will help you in this decision.
The truth is that from your brain’s perspective, masturbation is literally “self-sex.” Which creates two problems:
1. The neuro-chemical rush triggered by masturbation can quickly become your convenient and instant “drug-of-choice” for pleasure, escape, and self-medication from loneliness, boredom, and stresses of life – it becomes a “crutch.”
2. It can interfere with healthy sexuality in a long-term committed relationship. Over time, “self-sex” can become your brain’s “preferred” method for achieving sexual gratification.
Here are some experiences from our students:
Student #1:
“I’ve read that masturbation is not really that big of a deal. Why is it such a huge problem for me? I mean it’s all I think about. ALL THE TIME. I just feel like a slave and it’s just draggin’ me around wherever it wants to go. Like the tail waggin’ the dog. I hate this.”
Student #2:
“I’m struggling with a masturbation habit. I don’t know if you can help because my habit is out of control. I’m in my 40’s and I love my wife. We even have good sex together. I guess I’m afraid to tell her that I just feel like “I need to do it more often.” I hate myself and have sometimes even thought about suicide because I feel like a total freak. I’m not really into porn, but I do fantasize a lot about other women in my head. I feel like I’m keeping a huge secret from my wife and I don’t know what to do.”
If you’ve been experiencing the negative effects of masturbation, you have most likely tried to stop countless times, only to fall right back asking –Why does this happen over and over again? It’s not because you are weak, flawed or a lost cause. In fact, your struggle is because you have great strengths that have become weaknesses. Everything you need to change is already built into the very structure of your brain – What got you into this can get you out.
Candeo is a revolutionary program that teaches and trains people about the nature of their unwanted behaviors, and how to overcome them. Candeo is anonymous, private, safe, and completely accessible through our online portal. The Candeo program takes you through a step-by-step process to help you shed your habits of the past.
Stopping the hurt and pain your loved is feeling is probably one of the most common reasons for you wanting to change. But a common question that we get is “What about my loved ones? How can I help them with their pain.”
1. Support and Understanding
It is important to know the fact that just as you need your loved ones support, they need your support. Recovery is a partnership, not a one-way street. In the early stages of your recovery you are expending an enormous amount of energy and focus to begin breaking free of your unwanted behaviors and this process can be all-consuming, so for the first while, you may not feel like you are able to give the support they need and deserve. You both need to establish reasonable boundaries and but be patient with each other. Be kind to yourself, be kind and try to understand each other. Keep talking and sharing the best you can—and just keep moving forward at whatever pace is doable. There will be some stumbles and setbacks for both of you—these are a normal part of the process. Just keep your eyes fixed on a positive future. Together, you will make it through the tough times, and you’ll be better, closer and stronger because of the journey.
2. Education
One of the most common “myths” your loved ones believe is that your behaviors are their fault. That they have failed you in some way. It is helpful for them to understand that that pornography and other destructive sexual outlets create a literal chemical addiction negatively affecting the brain in a way very similar to cocaine and other illicit street drugs. Pornography and other unwanted sexual outlets are powerful because they take advantage of and tap into intense emotional, biological and chemical connections throughout the brain and the entire body.
Education will help them to understand that this is not their fault and also help to understand exactly what you are going through. Information is power and it will help you both move through the process of change in a powerful way.
3. Sharing and Connection
Once your sexual behaviors are revealed, either through voluntary disclosure or discovery, the destructive cycle of secrecy, isolation and addiction can finally be interrupted. You can start to draw together instead of allowing your relationship to continue being torn apart. They can share the distress they have felt over the disconnection that the unwanted sexual behaviors have created. You can learn to recognize when they are feeling down and in need of support and develop the habit of going to that person at those times.
The skill of seeking comfort within the relationship and the process of developing emotional connection are complex and challenging. This won’t bring the kind of instant and shallow gratification and relief unwanted sexual outlets promise. Nonetheless, when loved ones stick with it, the process can work for both in achieving richer, fulfilling experiences together…. Everyday distresses and needs don’t seem so overwhelming. In fact, they become opportunities for bonding.
4. Rebuilding Trust
When you engage in unwanted sexual behaviors, the most important element in a relationship’s foundation is damaged—the element of “trust.” Please realize that it will take time and effort for you to rebuild and reestablish trust in your relationship. Your partner is not expected to feel immediate and 100% trust just because you are in recovery. By the same token, they should be careful not to withhold their trust indefinitely. It is helpful if they give you an opportunity to earn back their trust one day and one step-at-a-time. Recognize and celebrate your small and consistent successes along the way with them, and allow these to rebuild your foundation of trust one brick at-a-time. Over time, the foundation of trust in your relationship can be fully restored, and perhaps even stronger and more sure than before
In our coaches meeting one day, we were discussing a trend that we see, particularly among newer students. They sometimes wonder and ask us, “Is it normal to wonder if I am committed enough to really change?” This question typically comes after a slip or near slip.
Permanent change is a tough road, especially for these difficult to change behaviors. However, I have been down the road with enough students and I’m here to tell you it is worth it, absolutely worth it.
In our program, in the student forum, ‘veteran students’ who have been succeeding give advice to other students. He gave an analogy that I thought was inspiring and has helped many of our students and will help give a view in to how the program works.
He said: “If you want to change, how strong is your commitment?” I think we all have to answer that question. A diet analogy popped into my mind. It’s very easy to commit to a diet, when you’ve just consumed a double cheeseburger, fries, and onion rings, and washed it all down with a coke.
The real test of your commitment comes when hunger starts gnawing at you, when “visions of cheeseburgers” start dancing through your mind. It’s the same thing with Unwanted Sexual Behaviors. It is easy to commit to recovery when things are quiet, when your triggers are quiescent, and you are, for the moment anyway, in control.
The real test comes when your triggers become frenzied, and your desires begin to cross over into unwanted territory. One-way of successfully following a diet is to avoid getting too hungry. When you start to get hungry, you acknowledge that you’re hungry. You eat something appropriate so you don’t get ravenous. Finally, you get involved in some activities like exercise, hobbies, and so forth that help take your focus off of the foods that you have deemed inappropriate.
It is a trying challenge sometimes to remain committed to change when facing a perfect storm of triggers or temptations. It is during these times that we can lean heavily upon the tools in the Candeo program. We are not alone. Our coaches are there for us, the forums are there, if we’ve set one up our support system is there. We do not have to carry this burden alone. Others are there to help ease the load. It is true they can’t take it away from us, but they can lighten it a bit for us.
That lightening helps us get through the tough times without stumbling. Each time we make it through a rough time and don’t stumble we become a little stronger. Our strength increases little-by-little, and the burden becomes lighter and lighter until one day, I firmly believe, that we can cast it off completely and we are free.
Thanks in no small part to those who have successfully trodden the path we are now on, and who now extend their arms to those who still struggle. Thanks also to those who have not struggled with our addiction, but who are nonetheless committed to assist in breaking the chains of addiction for those of us now struggling.
I return to the question I asked at the outset, “How strong is your commitment to change?” My answer: It may weaken in the face of powerful triggers, but as long as I use the tools at hand, as long as I work the program, it will not break; it may be weak from time to time, but it will be strong enough to endure to the end.
