“She shouldn’t say that! He shouldn’t act that way. They shouldn’t do that!” It took me finding the Candeo program and starting the work of real recovery that found me peeling the onion in the attempt to discover what I was really all about, and what made me tick. I came here to stop a pornography and masturbation habit, but I’ve gained so much more. Let me explain.
One way the Candeo program has helped me is that I am less prone to anger. Anger was a huge trigger for many of my other undesirable behaviors. In a podcast on anger I listened to, I realized that one of the biggest contributors to my addictive behaviors was that I was angry all the time. But the discovery came when I realized WHY I was getting so upset. The podcast explained that it was because I had a “rule book in my head,” where all the rules I think everybody else should follow, resided. I discovered that I had actually created this rulebook over my lifetime. It was a huge book that identified what people “Should” do in all of life’s varied circumstances. Simply stated: if people didn’t follow my rules of life, I got ticked off!
In my journaling work, I remember beginning to look at some of the rules I had created. “People shouldn’t drive slow in the fast lane of traffic.” I’d had that one written in my head since the time I got my driver’s license, many years ago. How could I tell if it was a rule? Easy! I began to list out recent episodes of anger or frustration, and realized that for me, each time it happened, it was because somebody broke my rules, and did something they shouldn’t have done, or didn’t do something they should’ve done (at least according to My rule book in my head).
A month ago, the delivery guy left my package at the neighbors without me knowing. I didn’t get the package for 3 days. THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT. I got mad, and took the time out of my schedule to call them (which I SHOULDN’T have to do), and tried tracking it down. The customer service was terrible (Nobody SHOULD treat their customers that way). I got pretty worked up over this.
I came home to a nice dinner my wife had prepared for me, after a long day. What she didn’t know was that I had an emergency I had to take care of online. I couldn’t take the time to eat at that moment. I tried to explain, but she was hurt and disappointed. (If it really meant that much to her, SHE SHOULD’VE CALLED ME TO LET ME KNOW!) Now, I felt guilt and shame over the whole thing. These feelings are huge red flags for me in trying to avoid my unwanted sexual behaviors.
If I could catch myself getting angry or frustrated over something, I began to ask myself, “What rule is that person breaking?” I would write it down, and then restate the demand of what they “should” do to a “wish” or a “hope.” I restated the rule, only now with the words “wish” substituted for “should.” Instead of “My wife SHOULD be doing this or that,” I changed it to “I WISH, I PREFER, I HOPE she would do this or that.” Can you see how this might diffuse or diminish my anger? It’s a lot easier to get mad when somebody doesn’t act the way we think they SHOULD, as opposed to when somebody doesn’t act the way we WISH they would.
I began to test out this little theory and it worked. “I WISH people wouldn’t drive slow in the fast lane, but I know some will.” Hey, that wasn’t too bad. “I HOPE my package arrives on time, but I realize people make mistakes. Nobody’s perfect.” My anger levels are dramatically reduced. I’ve applied this, now, in hundreds of situations. It works!
What I’ve learned is that by using the Candeo tools, I can learn to identify situations where I struggle, and overcome them. By becoming aware of some of my major “shoulds,” and other rules I’ve created for the entire world to live by, I can learn to make adjustments. I can choose to be happier and more contented in my life. This whole process was a huge eye opener for me. But to learn how to convert my rulebook of “shoulds” into “wishes,” and “hopes” and how, by so doing, I was able to immediately begin diffusing my anger, was nothing short of a miracle. Using the Face-it, Replace-it, and Connect techniques to disable my anger and frustration circuitry was something I never expected from my Candeo experience. I have become clean from my unwanted behaviors, and better still, have become a better husband, father, and businessman. Unbelievable!
I just recently discovered something troubling, but amazing: my “buts!” I’m talking about all those rationalizations and justifications I’ve been using to give me a permission slip to act out my addictive behaviors. Let me explain.
I had a disagreement with my wife last night. Ok, it was an argument. When we ended it, she said to me “why did you get so upset over such a little thing?” My answer was “I was speaking nicely, BUT I felt you were attacking me, and I had to defend myself.”
At work this morning, I spoke to my boss who questioned me about something I had “done wrong” on an assignment she had given me. I explained to her “I would’ve asked for a clarification, BUT made the assumption that she didn’t have the time for it.” Well, you know what they say about making assumptions.
As I look for reasons why I behave the way I do, and what keeps me locked into my addictive behaviors, I just realized that I often explain things to people by adding “buts” to the sentence. If I follow where those “buts” are going, I see that almost every time I use “but” to explain why I did something, what follows is a rationalization, a justification, or both for why I did what I did. If I take it a little further, I can see I have some beliefs in my life that I need to change: the perception of feeling attacked, when nobody really is attacking me. And instead of clarifying assumptions with people, I make assumptions about what they’re thinking or doing. What follows is embarrassment, frustration, and even shame. All three of which leave me vulnerable to acting out my unwanted behaviors.
Learning how to expose and deal with the issues that have kept me stuck in my addiction has made a huge difference in my life. Clearly, I have more challenges than just this one, but this has been a major one for me. Without Candeo, I never would’ve learned how to kick my “buts,” stop the excuse making for my actions, and begin to take charge of my life in a positive way.
For most Americans who celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday, the menu will include things like Turkey, mash potatoes and gravy, some homemade rolls, and pumpkin pie for dessert. The activities menu could include driving to grandma’s house, or playing a game of football out in the yard rolling around in the fall leaves, still others will be packing up the car to drive to a variety of large department stores, where they’ll wait until the start of “Black Friday” where they will compete with a few lucky shoppers in finding some of the most amazing shopping bargains of the year.
Some years ago, after joining Candeo, I decided to change my Thanksgiving Day “menu” from focusing on food and shopping, to the consideration of the many blessings I have been given, even though I was still struggling with my unwanted behaviors, and had lost my wife, family and career. I had been introduced to Candeo’s concepts of F-R-C practice and gratitude breathing, but wanted to add a little more to it. I took a piece of paper out, and began making a list of everything I could think of that I was thankful for. As I was alone that Thanksgiving, I had the time to compile quite a list. I included things I had previously taken for granted all my life. It was a profound recovery experience for me.
As the years have passed, I have discovered that if I would make each day a day of “thanksgiving,” where I seriously consider, on paper or in my head, those blessings I do have, rather than focusing on all the things I don’t have, and add them to my daily practice with my Candeo tools, something magical happens in my efforts to recover: I don’t slip! Oh, I don’t mean I’m cured, but, rather, in those moments where I was giving thanks, or offering expressions of gratitude and appreciation to someone in a letter, or phone call, or even an email, I found I wasn’t having to struggle with my addictive behaviors for longer and longer periods of time. My periods of recovery were going from weeks of abstinence to months, and now years, all because I changed my own thanksgiving menu.
Nobody likes a turkey dinner on Thanksgiving Day more than I do. But taking the time, every day, to feast at the table of gratitude and appreciation, has become my recovery’s secret weapon. Candeo has set up a table of recovery delights for me that leave me far more satisfied and fulfilled than any actual meal I’ve ever had. It took me some time to discover that for myself, but since I have, life has never been the same. What’s on your Thanksgiving Day menu? Try dining at the Candeo table this year, and add the garnish of gratitude and appreciation for the blessings you have to your meal; do it every day, and you won’t believe the positive impact it will have on your efforts to change, as well as your entire outlook on life.
I’ve been plagued with negative thoughts all my life. I don’t mean I’m mad or angry all the time. I’m talking about things like worry and anxiety; depression and despair. I didn’t even realize this until I was about 40 (thanks to Candeo) that it was my negative thinking that was driving my addictive behaviors.
A few weeks ago, I listened to one of the Candeo weekly podcasts from Dr. Bernell Christensen on “ANTS” or automatic negative thoughts. I was blown away. He was talking about ME, and MY STORY! I thought my problem was just my unwanted sexual behaviors, but I realized that my porn use was just a symptom of something
else going on inside of me. I finally understood, for the first time, that my negative thoughts were creating the very environment out of which my addiction grows and flourishes. I had been taking one step forward and two backwards in my recovery efforts for all this time.
The program has taught me how to recognize and face these troubling thought processes and to replace them with healthy, rational, and positive thoughts. It’s only been a couple of months that I’ve been practicing replacing these negative thoughts, but already it’s making a huge difference in my life at home and at work. Candeo’s program has shown me how to kill the “ANTS” in my life and I’m so much happier. My struggles with my unwanted behaviors are greatly diminished because of what I’ve learned. Life is SO much better than just 90 days ago.
