My issues started when i was maybe 14-15 and came out of feelings of low self worth and being desperate to fit in and be accepted. I was very small as a teenager and didn’t grow until I was 17-18, I discovered porn and masturbation at 14 and I guess it became my drug of choice.
Originally from England from birth I was taken along to church and for many years was very active. I was a leader of a number of congregations, led worship in various countries and set up youth work, taught bible class, preached and for a couple of years was full time in the ministry. At the age of 40 I realized I no longer believed in the God of the Bible and walked away from church. 13 years later I have not been back inside a church except for weddings and funerals and to find a quiet spot to mediatate some times.
I married at 35 and was a virgin when I married, my wife is the only woman I have ever slept with for that I am very grateful. My porn issues were managed during much of my christian life but never went away. 8 years ago we decided to move from London England to New Zealand – which was very difficult. My wife hated it and cried every day for 6 months, 8 years later we are still here but not really settled. Anyway that’s another story, during this really stressful time I got more and more addicted to internet porn until it became obvious, even to me, that I had a problem. So about 2 1/2 years ago I got some counselling (alone and with my wife) and got sorted out – so I thought. I went to a couple of SLAA meetings and didn’t like it so didn’t go back. I stayed with counselling and cleaned up and was sober for just under 2 years when I relapsed. It was a subtle, progressive relapse and left me as devastated as the first time round. This time I was challenged by my wife to put some real effort into understanding the addiction and working out how to get and stay sober. She was correct in that the first time I thought it was easy and could just be solved by counselling and self-control.
The relapse has turned out to be one of the best things happened in my recovery. I realised I was complacent with little humility and really did not understand the nature of my addiction. In my investigations I came across Candeo and I must say it has been a lifeline. The way it is set out and presented is first class and the daily application works. In addition to Candeo I attend regular SLAA meetings and meet with a support group of other addicts (of all sorts) initially arranged by my counsellor. I also read about addiction and recovery and meditate daily.
I have been clean and sober for over 6 months now and learning to make each day count. Some days it seems easy and soem days more difficult but I am eternally grateful for the Candeo tools that enable me to make a choice each time I am tempted or something triggers. I have a 17 year old son and a 15 year old daughter and have written FRC scripts to help me react to them in ways that are hopefully more helpful than the usual reaction. Teenagers are hard work but they are lovely and full of life.
Dear Coach,
It was yesterday, and I feel I have made a great step.
I was being really stressed, and I had an argument with the woman I love. I use to get really aggressive verbally when I was under great stress, and she was unfortunately getting it right to her face, most of the time through the phone. (because we are not in the same city, besides at the moment)
Well, I felt I was getting really tensed, and as we argued, I said to her that I could not continue to argue or I was gonna say bad things. She continued therefore I left, and stop speaking. She then left my room and I came back, alone. That is where I decided to practice some meditation I am learning with my counselor: mindfulness meditation. I did my day practice for 45 minutes, all lying on my bed, without falling asleep. (it’s very calm so I use to fall asleep at some point) After those 45 minutes, I got up, really really calm. I then spoke with the woman I love, and ask her to forgive me for I was really stressed. She said understood and forgave me.
In short, in all that, the best part is that I actually faced my stress without anything but breathing and mindfulness exercise for 45 minutes and managed to GET IT AWAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That’s the first time of my life I got to do that! That’s HuuUUUuuUUuUuuUUUUUuuuUUge!
Wohoo !
Right, I’m off to bed now.
Take care !!
“She shouldn’t say that! He shouldn’t act that way. They shouldn’t do that!” It took me finding the Candeo program and starting the work of real recovery that found me peeling the onion in the attempt to discover what I was really all about, and what made me tick. I came here to stop a pornography and masturbation habit, but I’ve gained so much more. Let me explain.
One way the Candeo program has helped me is that I am less prone to anger. Anger was a huge trigger for many of my other undesirable behaviors. In a podcast on anger I listened to, I realized that one of the biggest contributors to my addictive behaviors was that I was angry all the time. But the discovery came when I realized WHY I was getting so upset. The podcast explained that it was because I had a “rule book in my head,” where all the rules I think everybody else should follow, resided. I discovered that I had actually created this rulebook over my lifetime. It was a huge book that identified what people “Should” do in all of life’s varied circumstances. Simply stated: if people didn’t follow my rules of life, I got ticked off!
In my journaling work, I remember beginning to look at some of the rules I had created. “People shouldn’t drive slow in the fast lane of traffic.” I’d had that one written in my head since the time I got my driver’s license, many years ago. How could I tell if it was a rule? Easy! I began to list out recent episodes of anger or frustration, and realized that for me, each time it happened, it was because somebody broke my rules, and did something they shouldn’t have done, or didn’t do something they should’ve done (at least according to My rule book in my head).
A month ago, the delivery guy left my package at the neighbors without me knowing. I didn’t get the package for 3 days. THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT. I got mad, and took the time out of my schedule to call them (which I SHOULDN’T have to do), and tried tracking it down. The customer service was terrible (Nobody SHOULD treat their customers that way). I got pretty worked up over this.
I came home to a nice dinner my wife had prepared for me, after a long day. What she didn’t know was that I had an emergency I had to take care of online. I couldn’t take the time to eat at that moment. I tried to explain, but she was hurt and disappointed. (If it really meant that much to her, SHE SHOULD’VE CALLED ME TO LET ME KNOW!) Now, I felt guilt and shame over the whole thing. These feelings are huge red flags for me in trying to avoid my unwanted sexual behaviors.
If I could catch myself getting angry or frustrated over something, I began to ask myself, “What rule is that person breaking?” I would write it down, and then restate the demand of what they “should” do to a “wish” or a “hope.” I restated the rule, only now with the words “wish” substituted for “should.” Instead of “My wife SHOULD be doing this or that,” I changed it to “I WISH, I PREFER, I HOPE she would do this or that.” Can you see how this might diffuse or diminish my anger? It’s a lot easier to get mad when somebody doesn’t act the way we think they SHOULD, as opposed to when somebody doesn’t act the way we WISH they would.
I began to test out this little theory and it worked. “I WISH people wouldn’t drive slow in the fast lane, but I know some will.” Hey, that wasn’t too bad. “I HOPE my package arrives on time, but I realize people make mistakes. Nobody’s perfect.” My anger levels are dramatically reduced. I’ve applied this, now, in hundreds of situations. It works!
What I’ve learned is that by using the Candeo tools, I can learn to identify situations where I struggle, and overcome them. By becoming aware of some of my major “shoulds,” and other rules I’ve created for the entire world to live by, I can learn to make adjustments. I can choose to be happier and more contented in my life. This whole process was a huge eye opener for me. But to learn how to convert my rulebook of “shoulds” into “wishes,” and “hopes” and how, by so doing, I was able to immediately begin diffusing my anger, was nothing short of a miracle. Using the Face-it, Replace-it, and Connect techniques to disable my anger and frustration circuitry was something I never expected from my Candeo experience. I have become clean from my unwanted behaviors, and better still, have become a better husband, father, and businessman. Unbelievable!
