Hey Coach–
Things are going well. I feel like I am learning a lot. I am learning to respect myself more I believe and believe more in myself. That is something that I have known was important and have been working on for ever but I think that I am gaining some new insights and giveing myself more permission to be my own best friend. I have also been listening to some ot the candeo plus podcasts along with other good podcasts while I am driving and painting and I think that I need to give myself more permision to belive in my recovery. I need to give myself more permission to be in full recovery and not hedge my bets. I think that is probalby the best way to be. I know that those I admire most and feel are some of the best people around have a lot of confidence in them selfves and I should give myself permission to do the same. I will probalby need more time to completley belive that I can stay in recovery. I know that I am in recovery in a lot of ways. I don’t use drugs, I don’t masterbate, I don’t objectify wemon like I used to, though I still want to learn to be more comfortable in a few areas. Porn has lost most of its attraction. I realize that I am not going to find it interesting in the same way that I did as a kid. That most of it is really pretty gross now a days. When I have gone looking it is to find stuff that is more soft and attractive and that is not really what is out there and I find it more attractive to be able to interact with a real person in a healthy way. I feel like my abilty to interact with others is improving. I am just going to need to continue to practice that some more.
I’m Holley, the Coaching Director at Candeo. About two months ago, I received this message from a student who gave me permission to share:
Just got back from a date and thought of you and wanted to check in. Things have turned around for me dramatically. My brain is continuing to change. It was pretty grim for a while. But what happened tonight was proof positive that Candeo works. I’ve gone out on 5 dates with one of the most stunningly beautiful woman I have ever even spoken to. Thing is, something in my gut told me that this women was looking for a someone on the island to have dinner with, watch movies with, talk with, WHO WASN’T GOING TO LETCH ALL OVER HER.
As fantasy/trophy worthy as she is, and she really is, I have been unable to make her anything but another person.
Something very interesting happened tonight as well. With a breeze wafting into my date’s half open air home we launched into a deep conversation about relationships, sex addiction and intimacy.
I rode home along the rice fields knowing this was a very romantic night I had just had. Intimate is probably more accurate but I’m going with romantic knowing I will most likely never kiss this woman. I’m digging the idea of romance in this way. I feel good and I do not have the words to show my gratitude for this change in what I desire. My recovery is not a fluke. I love my changing brain.
The key phrases that I want you to pay attention to are: “…I have been unable to make her anything but another person.” And “….I’m digging the idea of romance this way.. I feel good and I do not have the words to show my gratitude for this change in what I desire.”
The changing of core desires is a very important mile marker that tends to come a little later in the “change” process. BUT when my students start reporting this – I notice a significant change in the recovery process.
Here’s another example of this from a forum thread titled “Porn is boring”:
The other day I was feeling blah and I was in an empty headed mood, so I went on the internet to watch porn, and a very strange thing happen to me.
I had a video in front of me and I just looked at it and said to myself: “I don’t want to do this, I’ve seen this all before, porn is boring.” And then I turned the video off and started to do something constructive.
He goes on to report:
This reaction has really made me think. And the conclusion I’ve come to is that porn is boring, repetitive and shallow. It’s doesn’t even pass as entertainment, it’s mindless, and I don’t want to be mindless. I want to connect with people and things, I want to smell the roses as I go down the path of life, rather than get a nose-full of this porn manure.
With consistent practice over time, this Student changed the way his brain interpreted pornography, and transformed his desire for porn into something far better— “connecting with people and doing something constructive.”
It is one thing to “stop” the unwanted behavior, but until a person actually discovers and endorses new, healthy alternatives that bring joy, pleasure, and fulfillment in it’s place – the change will not be permanent. Our students find that when they change their desires, their life changes in ways they never thought possible.
My issues started when i was maybe 14-15 and came out of feelings of low self worth and being desperate to fit in and be accepted. I was very small as a teenager and didn’t grow until I was 17-18, I discovered porn and masturbation at 14 and I guess it became my drug of choice.
Originally from England from birth I was taken along to church and for many years was very active. I was a leader of a number of congregations, led worship in various countries and set up youth work, taught bible class, preached and for a couple of years was full time in the ministry. At the age of 40 I realized I no longer believed in the God of the Bible and walked away from church. 13 years later I have not been back inside a church except for weddings and funerals and to find a quiet spot to mediatate some times.
I married at 35 and was a virgin when I married, my wife is the only woman I have ever slept with for that I am very grateful. My porn issues were managed during much of my christian life but never went away. 8 years ago we decided to move from London England to New Zealand – which was very difficult. My wife hated it and cried every day for 6 months, 8 years later we are still here but not really settled. Anyway that’s another story, during this really stressful time I got more and more addicted to internet porn until it became obvious, even to me, that I had a problem. So about 2 1/2 years ago I got some counselling (alone and with my wife) and got sorted out – so I thought. I went to a couple of SLAA meetings and didn’t like it so didn’t go back. I stayed with counselling and cleaned up and was sober for just under 2 years when I relapsed. It was a subtle, progressive relapse and left me as devastated as the first time round. This time I was challenged by my wife to put some real effort into understanding the addiction and working out how to get and stay sober. She was correct in that the first time I thought it was easy and could just be solved by counselling and self-control.
The relapse has turned out to be one of the best things happened in my recovery. I realised I was complacent with little humility and really did not understand the nature of my addiction. In my investigations I came across Candeo and I must say it has been a lifeline. The way it is set out and presented is first class and the daily application works. In addition to Candeo I attend regular SLAA meetings and meet with a support group of other addicts (of all sorts) initially arranged by my counsellor. I also read about addiction and recovery and meditate daily.
I have been clean and sober for over 6 months now and learning to make each day count. Some days it seems easy and soem days more difficult but I am eternally grateful for the Candeo tools that enable me to make a choice each time I am tempted or something triggers. I have a 17 year old son and a 15 year old daughter and have written FRC scripts to help me react to them in ways that are hopefully more helpful than the usual reaction. Teenagers are hard work but they are lovely and full of life.
