Dear Coach,

It was yesterday, and I feel I have made a great step.
I was being really stressed, and I had an argument with the woman I love. I use to get really aggressive verbally when I was under great stress, and she was unfortunately getting it right to her face, most of the time through the phone. (because we are not in the same city, besides at the moment)

Well, I felt I was getting really tensed, and as we argued, I said to her that I could not continue to argue or I was gonna say bad things. She continued therefore I left, and stop speaking. She then left my room and I came back, alone. That is where I decided to practice some meditation I am learning with my counselor: mindfulness meditation. I did my day practice for 45 minutes, all lying on my bed, without falling asleep. (it’s very calm so I use to fall asleep at some point) After those 45 minutes, I got up, really really calm. I then spoke with the woman I love, and ask her to forgive me for I was really stressed. She said understood and forgave me.

In short, in all that, the best part is that I actually faced my stress without anything but breathing and mindfulness exercise for 45 minutes and managed to GET IT AWAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s the first time of my life I got to do that! That’s HuuUUUuuUUuUuuUUUUUuuuUUge!

Wohoo !

Right, I’m off to bed now.

Take care !!

“She shouldn’t say that! He shouldn’t act that way. They shouldn’t do that!” It took me finding the Candeo program and starting the work of real recovery that found me peeling the onion in the attempt to discover what I was really all about, and what made me tick. I came here to stop a pornography and masturbation habit, but I’ve gained so much more. Let me explain.

One way the Candeo program has helped me is that I am less prone to anger. Anger was a huge trigger for many of my other undesirable behaviors. In a podcast on anger I listened to, I realized that one of the biggest contributors to my addictive behaviors was that I was angry all the time. But the discovery came when I realized WHY I was getting so upset. The podcast explained that it was because I had a “rule book in my head,” where all the rules I think everybody else should follow, resided. I discovered that I had actually created this rulebook over my lifetime. It was a huge book that identified what people “Should” do in all of life’s varied circumstances. Simply stated: if people didn’t follow my rules of life, I got ticked off!

In my journaling work, I remember beginning to look at some of the rules I had created. “People shouldn’t drive slow in the fast lane of traffic.” I’d had that one written in my head since the time I got my driver’s license, many years ago. How could I tell if it was a rule? Easy! I began to list out recent episodes of anger or frustration, and realized that for me, each time it happened, it was because somebody broke my rules, and did something they shouldn’t have done, or didn’t do something they should’ve done (at least according to My rule book in my head).

A month ago, the delivery guy left my package at the neighbors without me knowing. I didn’t get the package for 3 days. THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT. I got mad, and took the time out of my schedule to call them (which I SHOULDN’T have to do), and tried tracking it down. The customer service was terrible (Nobody SHOULD treat their customers that way). I got pretty worked up over this.

I came home to a nice dinner my wife had prepared for me, after a long day. What she didn’t know was that I had an emergency I had to take care of online. I couldn’t take the time to eat at that moment. I tried to explain, but she was hurt and disappointed. (If it really meant that much to her, SHE SHOULD’VE CALLED ME TO LET ME KNOW!) Now, I felt guilt and shame over the whole thing. These feelings are huge red flags for me in trying to avoid my unwanted sexual behaviors.

If I could catch myself getting angry or frustrated over something, I began to ask myself, “What rule is that person breaking?” I would write it down, and then restate the demand of what they “should” do to a “wish” or a “hope.” I restated the rule, only now with the words “wish” substituted for “should.” Instead of “My wife SHOULD be doing this or that,” I changed it to “I WISH, I PREFER, I HOPE she would do this or that.” Can you see how this might diffuse or diminish my anger? It’s a lot easier to get mad when somebody doesn’t act the way we think they SHOULD, as opposed to when somebody doesn’t act the way we WISH they would.

I began to test out this little theory and it worked. “I WISH people wouldn’t drive slow in the fast lane, but I know some will.” Hey, that wasn’t too bad. “I HOPE my package arrives on time, but I realize people make mistakes. Nobody’s perfect.” My anger levels are dramatically reduced. I’ve applied this, now, in hundreds of situations. It works!

What I’ve learned is that by using the Candeo tools, I can learn to identify situations where I struggle, and overcome them. By becoming aware of some of my major “shoulds,” and other rules I’ve created for the entire world to live by, I can learn to make adjustments. I can choose to be happier and more contented in my life. This whole process was a huge eye opener for me. But to learn how to convert my rulebook of “shoulds” into “wishes,” and “hopes” and how, by so doing, I was able to immediately begin diffusing my anger, was nothing short of a miracle. Using the Face-it, Replace-it, and Connect techniques to disable my anger and frustration circuitry was something I never expected from my Candeo experience. I have become clean from my unwanted behaviors, and better still, have become a better husband, father, and businessman. Unbelievable!

The major change I am seeing in my brain is that when I view porn I can no longer see the girls as objects. I see them as people and wonder about their lives. That is a new thing for me and a sign that this brain science is right. You know, it is funny. I don’t relate to a lot of what I read in the forums in terms of hooking up or not knowing how to relate to the opposite sex. So in those ways I feel I have a lot less to overcome than many who have gone down those paths or have that difficulty to deal with. At the same time I have years and years is habitual response to stress that I am working to overcome, and those patterns had become so ingrained in me. But things are much, much better.

Masturbation is often thought of a “healthy release” and is even recommended for stress relief or to maintain a steady ‘balance.’ In fact, we often get questions from our students “Is masturbation OK?” “How many times a day can I masturbate?” “If I can’t masturbate are you saying that I can’t have any type of relief?” “If my partner won’t or can’t have sex, is masturbation an acceptable alternative?” These are all great questions and something that you need to decide for yourself, but there is some helpful information that will help you in this decision.

The truth is that from your brain’s perspective, masturbation is literally “self-sex.” Which creates two problems:

1. The neuro-chemical rush triggered by masturbation can quickly become your convenient and instant “drug-of-choice” for pleasure, escape, and self-medication from loneliness, boredom, and stresses of life – it becomes a “crutch.”

2. It can interfere with healthy sexuality in a long-term committed relationship. Over time, “self-sex” can become your brain’s “preferred” method for achieving sexual gratification.

Here are some experiences from our students:

Student #1:
“I’ve read that masturbation is not really that big of a deal. Why is it such a huge problem for me? I mean it’s all I think about. ALL THE TIME. I just feel like a slave and it’s just draggin’ me around wherever it wants to go. Like the tail waggin’ the dog. I hate this.”

Student #2:
“I’m struggling with a masturbation habit. I don’t know if you can help because my habit is out of control. I’m in my 40’s and I love my wife. We even have good sex together. I guess I’m afraid to tell her that I just feel like “I need to do it more often.” I hate myself and have sometimes even thought about suicide because I feel like a total freak. I’m not really into porn, but I do fantasize a lot about other women in my head. I feel like I’m keeping a huge secret from my wife and I don’t know what to do.”

If you’ve been experiencing the negative effects of masturbation, you have most likely tried to stop countless times, only to fall right back asking –Why does this happen over and over again? It’s not because you are weak, flawed or a lost cause. In fact, your struggle is because you have great strengths that have become weaknesses. Everything you need to change is already built into the very structure of your brain – What got you into this can get you out.

Candeo is a revolutionary program that teaches and trains people about the nature of their unwanted behaviors, and how to overcome them. Candeo is anonymous, private, safe, and completely accessible through our online portal. The Candeo program takes you through a step-by-step process to help you shed your habits of the past.