This is the Official Podcast from Candeo. The Answer For Your Porn Addiction.
Episode 30. January 15, 2010. With Mark Kastleman.
This weeks episode is titled, “Perfection and Porn”
13 Replies to Podcast 30 – Perfection and Porn
lololme
January 19, 2010 • 7:24 am
Nice podcast. I wonder if this also applies to work related stuff. Like I want to be a producer so I make music. But lately I’ve been unable to finish any of my tracks and I think it because I try to make it all perfect and if I get overwhelmed or feel like it won’t be perfect then I leave it. And then I will start another track and the same thing will happen. I also do this whole perfection thing with my life sometimes. If I catch myself trying to act too suave I will do something silly to bring myself back to normal and out of the whole “trying to act perfect” thing.
I am familiar with this perfectionism mindset. I’m glad that yall are letting people know that it exists and paralyzes people when they are the most vulnerable. I have also experienced procrastination and a lack of enthusiasm for the most important things such as school and friends when i allow myself to think and act out of the despair that this mode thought.
I really like this podcast! It enforces a lot of what I have been focusing on lately. I have been putting a lot of effort in keeping my eyes in the right places when I’m around members of the opposite sex or some kind of visual stimulant (they are EVERYWHERE – t.v., magazines, posters) – outta sight, outta mind though right? I’ve found that it helps tremendously in relieving some of those late night tensions. But more often then not I fail – its been getting better. I just keep telling myself “You WILL fail. Your success depends on whether you allow yourself to be strengthened or weakened by those failures.” This podcasts enforces that mindset.
I believe “perfectionism” can come from two sources. First is personality. There are those who have “A” type personalities–they are obsessed with performance, achievement and being the best, at the top, super successful, etc. I believe this personality type can certainly be “set-up” through genetics, BUT, whether or not one has the predisposition for it, I believe the second cause of perfectionism is by far the more dominant.
Our family, religious and cultural environments can instill and perpetuate perfectionism at a very high level. Too often parents show love as a reward for a child “achieving” certain bench marks with grades, religious devotion, athletic, artistic or musical prowess, etc. Success in all of these areas is certainly a good thing, one that should be encouraged, BUT when LOVE is conditional and based on these achievements, that’s when the dysfunction starts and a “perfectionist” is created and fueled. I believe that many religious traditions can also fuel perfectionism–”IF you comply with certain requirements, THEN God will love and accept you. Again, living by a religious or moral code is certainly a wonderful and needed thing in today’s world–and any world for that matter. BUT, again, when God’s love is perceived as conditional and fully based on whether we reach a certain level of “righteousness”–that’s when perfectionism sets in.
Love from God is ALWAYS completely unconditional–we can not earn His love, nor can we make ourselves ineligible–His arm is always stretched out to us no matter what we do. Living certain laws is all about US. If you live a specific law, you get a specific result—peace, happiness, success, health, integrity, knowledge, wisdom, etc. These all are the natural consequences of our choices—they are not, and never should dictate whether or not we are valued and loved. We must all learn that we, and everyone around us are “OK” just as we are in this moment. We are of worth; we are loved and valued right now. Of course we strive to become better, overcome weaknesses, make better choices, etc. BUT, we should never say “I will love myself and be lovable when I achieve or reach X . That is a set-up for shame and other toxic feelings and often leads to addiction, depression and other mental and spiritual disorders.
when i was listening to that podcast the thing that stood out was the unconditional love. when one is mindful of the true character of God it brings about liberation….
perfectionism is fuelled with self-talk containing absolute statements such as “I should and shouldn’t” “have to” “must” ect….
when one is mindful of unconditional love your focus shifts from “must”, “have to” towards “I want to”….when a person has a genuine revelation of the grace of God (that nothing can seperate us from his love) choosing the more beneficial option seems a touch easier and natural.
something im pondering on….when told we “can not” or “must not” do something why does our human nature get drawn into doing it?? (look at adam and eve)
….but Paul in the bible goes to say that everything is permissable but not everything is beneficial a far more liberating statement!
“This is the time for man to prepare to meet God,” said an ancient day prophet. We’re not perfect. If we were, there would be no need for Jesus Christ as our Savior. We are here to learn and to grow. How could we learn if we already knew everything? We are going to make mistakes, we’re human, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to become better. I know that we can become better, every day, if we’re willing to follow the example of Jesus Christ.
I think the perfectionist mind-set tells us it is all or nothing…we either do it or we don’t do it. The prolem with that mind-set is that when i do “fail” into porn i give up all reason and totally immerse myself in it. If i compromise, i go all the way…so much shame, guilt, and anger..
I can’t tell you all how grateful I am to have found this program. I never understood why I became and am addicted to pornography. I always thought I was a freak, pervert, and every other name in the book. Now that I understand the psychological nature of the addiction it all makes sense. I am a HUGE Perfectionist, and this Podcast just made my addiction make even more sense. Man I love this program! It’s really wonderful to know that I’m NOT a freak, and that the things that make this addiction so powerful are actually great strengths that I have. Now all I have to do is continue to strive to steer those strengths in the right direction!
@ Todd – I also have this problem where I keep coming back to the internet videos. Lately, I’ve been getting better at staying away from it by blocking sites and not working from home. There was a great quote that I heard from an MMA fighter who lost his first fight in a long long time. He said, “Those who don’t fall, cannot stand up.”
Someone said that the key to life is to fall down 7 times and get up 8.
lololme
January 19, 2010 • 7:24 am
Nice podcast. I wonder if this also applies to work related stuff. Like I want to be a producer so I make music. But lately I’ve been unable to finish any of my tracks and I think it because I try to make it all perfect and if I get overwhelmed or feel like it won’t be perfect then I leave it. And then I will start another track and the same thing will happen. I also do this whole perfection thing with my life sometimes. If I catch myself trying to act too suave I will do something silly to bring myself back to normal and out of the whole “trying to act perfect” thing.
Luke
January 20, 2010 • 2:23 pm
I keep falling and falling and falling. this has been helpful
stewart
January 22, 2010 • 9:15 am
I am familiar with this perfectionism mindset. I’m glad that yall are letting people know that it exists and paralyzes people when they are the most vulnerable. I have also experienced procrastination and a lack of enthusiasm for the most important things such as school and friends when i allow myself to think and act out of the despair that this mode thought.
Todd
January 22, 2010 • 11:04 am
I really like this podcast! It enforces a lot of what I have been focusing on lately. I have been putting a lot of effort in keeping my eyes in the right places when I’m around members of the opposite sex or some kind of visual stimulant (they are EVERYWHERE – t.v., magazines, posters) – outta sight, outta mind though right? I’ve found that it helps tremendously in relieving some of those late night tensions. But more often then not I fail – its been getting better. I just keep telling myself “You WILL fail. Your success depends on whether you allow yourself to be strengthened or weakened by those failures.” This podcasts enforces that mindset.
eddy
January 25, 2010 • 8:51 am
Why are some perfectionist and others are not? Is perfectionist part of nature (are we born with it) or is it nurture (we learned it)?
Mark Kastleman
January 27, 2010 • 10:20 am
I believe “perfectionism” can come from two sources. First is personality. There are those who have “A” type personalities–they are obsessed with performance, achievement and being the best, at the top, super successful, etc. I believe this personality type can certainly be “set-up” through genetics, BUT, whether or not one has the predisposition for it, I believe the second cause of perfectionism is by far the more dominant.
Our family, religious and cultural environments can instill and perpetuate perfectionism at a very high level. Too often parents show love as a reward for a child “achieving” certain bench marks with grades, religious devotion, athletic, artistic or musical prowess, etc. Success in all of these areas is certainly a good thing, one that should be encouraged, BUT when LOVE is conditional and based on these achievements, that’s when the dysfunction starts and a “perfectionist” is created and fueled. I believe that many religious traditions can also fuel perfectionism–”IF you comply with certain requirements, THEN God will love and accept you. Again, living by a religious or moral code is certainly a wonderful and needed thing in today’s world–and any world for that matter. BUT, again, when God’s love is perceived as conditional and fully based on whether we reach a certain level of “righteousness”–that’s when perfectionism sets in.
Love from God is ALWAYS completely unconditional–we can not earn His love, nor can we make ourselves ineligible–His arm is always stretched out to us no matter what we do. Living certain laws is all about US. If you live a specific law, you get a specific result—peace, happiness, success, health, integrity, knowledge, wisdom, etc. These all are the natural consequences of our choices—they are not, and never should dictate whether or not we are valued and loved. We must all learn that we, and everyone around us are “OK” just as we are in this moment. We are of worth; we are loved and valued right now. Of course we strive to become better, overcome weaknesses, make better choices, etc. BUT, we should never say “I will love myself and be lovable when I achieve or reach X . That is a set-up for shame and other toxic feelings and often leads to addiction, depression and other mental and spiritual disorders.
michael
January 28, 2010 • 6:33 pm
when i was listening to that podcast the thing that stood out was the unconditional love. when one is mindful of the true character of God it brings about liberation….
perfectionism is fuelled with self-talk containing absolute statements such as “I should and shouldn’t” “have to” “must” ect….
when one is mindful of unconditional love your focus shifts from “must”, “have to” towards “I want to”….when a person has a genuine revelation of the grace of God (that nothing can seperate us from his love) choosing the more beneficial option seems a touch easier and natural.
something im pondering on….when told we “can not” or “must not” do something why does our human nature get drawn into doing it?? (look at adam and eve)
….but Paul in the bible goes to say that everything is permissable but not everything is beneficial a far more liberating statement!
Jonathan
March 7, 2010 • 2:41 pm
“This is the time for man to prepare to meet God,” said an ancient day prophet. We’re not perfect. If we were, there would be no need for Jesus Christ as our Savior. We are here to learn and to grow. How could we learn if we already knew everything? We are going to make mistakes, we’re human, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to become better. I know that we can become better, every day, if we’re willing to follow the example of Jesus Christ.
jim gordon
April 7, 2010 • 6:46 pm
That is so true that perfectionistic thinking fuels this addiction.
Emerc80
April 22, 2010 • 8:19 am
I think the perfectionist mind-set tells us it is all or nothing…we either do it or we don’t do it. The prolem with that mind-set is that when i do “fail” into porn i give up all reason and totally immerse myself in it. If i compromise, i go all the way…so much shame, guilt, and anger..
Brian J
April 24, 2010 • 6:16 am
…”there must be opposition in all things, otherwise there would be no freedom”…
Kcowboy
May 3, 2010 • 11:06 pm
I can’t tell you all how grateful I am to have found this program. I never understood why I became and am addicted to pornography. I always thought I was a freak, pervert, and every other name in the book. Now that I understand the psychological nature of the addiction it all makes sense. I am a HUGE Perfectionist, and this Podcast just made my addiction make even more sense. Man I love this program! It’s really wonderful to know that I’m NOT a freak, and that the things that make this addiction so powerful are actually great strengths that I have. Now all I have to do is continue to strive to steer those strengths in the right direction!
GA
July 26, 2010 • 6:26 pm
@ Todd – I also have this problem where I keep coming back to the internet videos. Lately, I’ve been getting better at staying away from it by blocking sites and not working from home. There was a great quote that I heard from an MMA fighter who lost his first fight in a long long time. He said, “Those who don’t fall, cannot stand up.”
Someone said that the key to life is to fall down 7 times and get up 8.