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This is the Candeo Podcast for Women, “It’s Not Your Fault”. A frank discussion of issues surrounding pornography addiction. Episode 5. April 27, 2009. With Host Becky Harding. This weeks episode is titled, “Helping Your Husband Recover From Porn Addiction.”
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Aaron
April 30, 2009 • 1:18 pm
Thank for this and for this site. I am very close in my recovery process that I am about to the step of disclosing everything to my wife. I am so afraid of what it will do to her and how our relationship will change. I just want everything to work out and be okay.
Leah
April 30, 2009 • 2:04 pm
Amazing!!! Such excellent points, namely that us as spouses have separate issues and we have to address those as well. Trust me, I have bad days and “triggers” too! Also, separating the addiction from the person WITH the addiction is SO key. I am finally realizing that my husband can be a loving, sensitive man and still have this problem. I know that we will be closer after enduring all of this than we would have been otherwise, and that’s what keeps me going. All of this pain will not be in vain! (Good mantra!) Thank you for sharing your story…you ARE helping other people heal and that’s anther reason why all of the trauma that we endure doesn’t have to be for nothin’! Anyone that’s out there reading this, whether addict or spouse, that feels like this is a hopeless situation, DON’T GIVE UP. Addicts have to trust that thier significant other will be able to handle this and love them EVEN MORE for being themselves…even though it isn’t always pretty. The vulnerabilities that you have to share in order to deal with ANY addiction can become the most enduring part of a person. It isn’t always going to be easy, but I am positive that we will all be better people for having gone through this!
Elaine
April 30, 2009 • 10:41 pm
I would like to separate the addiction from who he is, as you have mentioned. But the years of pretending have taken their toll. The face I kept putting on for others, when in reality I was so unhappy, became too much for me. There was set back, after set back. We are now separated. I found out about this program, and we are meeting together twice a week to do the program. I am trying to find the courage to keep going, but have found my feelings for him have changed. I am not sure the trust can be rebuilt. He has told me, his feelings too, had changed sometime ago, and he is hoping to get them back. We both have read, his feelings for me and his family, likely were replaced by the addiction. Thank you for your story, I admire your courage.
Anonymous
May 1, 2009 • 11:04 am
I have gone through and am going through the same situation as Elaine. My husband took it so far as to have an affair while living a lie in front of me, the kids, friends, and serving at Church. It took a long time for him to get there and it will take time to get to a normal place. If I look at what happened it looks impossible but if I look at facts I can press forward. This was an addiction. This is not my fault. He was influenced by porn long before I ever even came into his life. I had no idea.
There have been many set backs after it all came out and he transformed into a whole new person that was not the guy I married. All of the ignorance to what was going on followed by all the suffering after discovery also transformed me into a different person.
This is an addiction that can be overcome. As he goes through the program he is becoming a new person. Feelings of love can return on both sides. Romantic feelings of love come from being connected. Being connected is a product of how we treat each other. His past behaviour of ignoring or of being disconnected is an instinct and can be a form of control. Yelling when I felt hurt is also an instinct that can also be a form of control. Although I must say I became so crushed at times I no longer responded. Not a yell or a cry. Just numb. Sleepless. Hopeless. Unbelief. Like a bad dream.
Treating each other with care and meeting each others needs is an exercise that becomes a habit. Yelling or being personally upset is no help to my spouse or the future of our family. I learned the hard way that I MUST separate my husband from his addiction even on days when he himself can not do that. If I add up all that he did that hurt me and put it all on him it is hopeless. There is no way he can lift that load or wash it away or fix it. It is Totally hopeless. It is an addiction. He must be free from the addiction and all of its side effects of being disconnected, confused, in shock, and in the embarrassment at being caught. Now I understand those stories where an amazing Dr. or clergy or person of high esteem commits suicides and no one understands why. They all thought he had a great life, wife, children, profession. Porn is a silent killer.
I can not look for a feeling of love. It is only an issue of connectedness which is a product of our acts of caring for one another. When I realized this is what the feeling of love is and that an addict loves his or her addiction foremost I realized there was no way to go on without him getting help. Only the addict can take the help. I can not recover him. Elaine and my husband’s action to do Candeo is huge !! There is hope.
The more he does Candeo the more he connects and the more I feel in love. Actually I have to admit that I never fell out of love with him. Or the guy I thought he was. A widow friend finally told me,that I needed I to realize I was a widow. I was now in a courtship with a new guy that I happen to be legally binded to and was the father of my children. I don’t think is normal for many. I do believe many husbands love there wives and porn but if the lie is carried too far as in my case and Elaine’s, the damage is horrific.
Forgiving was huge for me. I listened to everything in Candeo’s free trial. I read Mark’s book The Drug of The New Millennium and saw what was going on and eventually forgave. That was a huge huge weight off my shoulders. Bitterness is a very heavy load. But I realize I had to go through a huge process of unbelief, shock, hurt, anger, grief in realizing the marriage I thought I had didn’t exist. I had to try desperate measures, I had to read, cry, pray, study, cry, ask God why ?
I am so appreciative of Candeo and other help I received. I have no idea where I would be without them. The few friends that know were shocked and felt helpless. They listened, prayed with me and the more they heard me talk about Candeo and MB they would encourage me to go there to get help. They are routing for us. There is hope.
Trust will be built along with connectedness. My husband needed to know that I forgave him before he could connect. This is not the case in everyones situation. But as Elaine’s husband he wasn’t sure he had feelings for me or would ever get them back. Candeo will help him to connect if you are there for him.
Scarlet Ramnarine
May 1, 2009 • 6:02 pm
I got married 2 1/2 years ago. I found out my husband is a pornography addict. I thought I would be able to help him with love and patience, but it has not worked at all. He promised me he would stop. Instead, he lies to me, and desives me. I found hundread of DVD’s under lock at his office and home. He has thousands of pictures very well organized, and it is out of hand. I am begining to get help, because I know now, that I can’t do it alone. My big problem is this:
1. He thinks that I am trying to control him…not help him.
2. He does not recognise that he has an addiction.
3. He wants and says he will continue with his habbits even if I don’t approve.
4. He doesn’t says that this shouldn’t affect me, because, he does this in secret, and that I shoudn’t feel threaten by it.
5. his coments about me asking him to get help are: Every body does it! You are the one that is weird!Turn your head the other way! etc.
the list goes on….How can I help him take the first step, and have him recognize his problem? Where do I get strengh to stand by him.
This whole thing is changing me, and I am affraid of what I am becoming.
I lost trust in him. My married is no doing well at all.
Help me please!
the same anonymous as above
May 3, 2009 • 6:15 am
I so feel for you Scarlet. Right before and after my husbands secret life was revealed, I too heard most of that list. You are not weird. But you are being treated the same as many victims of sexual addiction. Quite simply he loves the addiction more than anything, including himself. His actions have no happy fulfilling profit to anyone.
Do your best not to react on instinct… to cry, beg, threaten, make demands. I know those actions do not work. But I do know that you must protect yourself. If you can stay and be strong to realize you are dealing with an addict and change your expectations to allign with that fact, than do. I did not expect him to meet my needs or to love me more than his addiction. (or should i say in my case the addiction he gave up but was still missing) But I did expect he would get help. I did not expect it to happen right away. When it became more than I could bear, I had to ask for seperation. I would suggest, if you can, to do it not in a super emotional charged way or with demands or threats. Tell him you loved him and wanted to grow old with him. Tell him that his actions are hurting you and you are afraid of how they are affecting you. Tell him you feel his actions are hurting himself also and you hope he can get help for his own sake. Tell him you hope he can get free from all his porn and have an amazing relationship with you.
What helped my husband was reading Mark Castleman’s book, The Drug of the New Millinium. He went from telling me everyone masturbates to admitting that he was an addict and how incredibly ripped off he had been from a young teen. He went on and on explaining the big rip off. It was AMAZING !
Ultimately only the addict can choose to recover. During the seperation I found Candeo, I signed up for the trial. Since we shared web-mail, he was exposed to the trial material sent. I also gave him the book I told you about above. I tried to be nice and civil and caring.(but I was hurting so badly inside)
Since he had told me of his secret life he had stopped all porn, masturbation, and the affair was over. He said he was fine and did not need Candeo, that he hadn’t done anything in 5 months.
He was not okay. He would blame, justify, ignore, and was still disconnected to the family. I spoke hope to myself and him. That he could be fully recovered. That I was sorry for saying otherwise …that he was not a bad person. That he could be freed not only from his past actions but from the side effects of addiction. I showed him some of the video testimonies from the top tab of the candeo site. I left him alone and he continued soberly watching.
When he finally said he would do Candeo I watched as he selected the accept button. He said, “This is a waste of your money.”
Surprisingly he has faithfully been doing the program. Somedays he still says crazy things, other days he seems he is totally out of his fog and is telling me what he learned and how I should protect our children. Somedays he does face, replace, and connect..not for an ongoing porn addiction…but for the side effects of getting so messed up. I love it when he connects. But I don’t count on it happening everytime I see him. This is a process he is in.
I went way past Scarlet’s question. I just wanted her to know I was also in a dismal situation. But there is hope if her husband will take it. It is not an overnight cure but a process. I made mistakes and she will also. Just read and listen to the good stuff and avoid instints to do abrupt emotional behaviors. Finding mature confidents to talk and pray with is also a big help.
Nancy
May 6, 2009 • 8:15 pm
HI, My husband admitted to me 4 years ago that he had been addicted to porn for many years. However, he said it was in the past and he had quit. I didn’t believe him. I knew from experience any addiction recovery takes time. I eventually promised him I would be there for him, to hold him accountable (at his request), and to believe in him. This I did for 3 1/2 years. Then I started to get angry. He made a disparaging remark against women of my size and believe me, I took it personally. I began to doubt his motives in wanting to “be with me” and that perhaps he was trying to use me to fulfill fantasies he had seen on pornaographic movies. This doubt burned in my heart for several months. Then a month ago I drew the line. I asked him if he had made any progress toward recovery in the last 4 years. He said no (in spite of many reports he gave to the contrary in the past). My question is this: I have stopped having relations with him because I am so hurt and afraid he doesn’t like me anymore. I also feel that as long as I give in to him and act supportive, he is going to be enabled to continue in his addiction. I do NOT feel sex is a tool to withold because he hurt me. I just feel maybe I am not helping him by acting like everything is normal.Please tell me what i should do. (By the way, since i started saying no and told him why, he has signed up for candeo and started going to group therapy).
Holley
May 7, 2009 • 10:43 am
Nancy — That is a tough situation, but I can feel that you love your husband so it will be worth your efforts!!! That is great that you’ve supported him. I can see your point on why you chose to withhold sex and it does seem to have motivated him. So I guess the real question is at what point does it become hurtful instead of helpful. THAT IS A TOUGH QUESTION and probably something that only you can answer. You seem pretty intuitive though, so just keep following your heart. Here is a quote from Mark Kaslteman (one of the creators of the program) that I’ve found helpful. “It is helpful to view sex as an opportunity to come together and experience “true intimacy” which is at the polar opposite of porn and masturbation–one is completely “self-centered” and the other is “US centered.” One increases addiction, isolation, disconnection, etc. and the other increases healthy connection, esteem, peace of mind, joy. It is helpful to include with your physical intimacy, emotional and spiritual intimacy–talking, expressing, sharing, etc., during sexual intimacy–taking time to touch, enjoy, communicate. As a couple takes their sexual intimacy to this higher level (one baby step at a time), the hollow, self-centered act of pornography will lose its appeal– the partner who is addicted will start to prefer the “full” experience of physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy with their spouse. If a couple simply uses sex as a way for to satisfy a selfish urge, it will never get to this higher level, and their will simply become a replacement for porn.” What this quote taught me is that sex can be an incredible tool to bring you closer together, but only if it is done in the way it was described above. BUT this seems like a process to get to this point. So if you always withhold then you will never “learn” or “explore together” who to have a “healthy intimiate” relationship. So maybe it isn’t “I won’t ever have sex with you,” it’s “I will only have sex if we are working on bringing us closer together.” I think that is easier said than done and like Mark said, it has to be done by “baby steps” but starting to open up and communicate about it is probably a first step. And figure it out TOGETHER!!
Lisa
May 24, 2009 • 11:17 am
Reading comments from other spouses who are going through the same situation as me has been so incredibly helpful! My husband started with an addiction to internet porn. That lead to meeting women online for virtual sex and eventually physical affairs. He hid it very well for several years until I found unexplained clues and confronted him. He denied it for fear of our relationship, but I did not back down, and once he admitted everything he felt a huge weight lifted off his shoulders. We sought professional help at first which lead us to this program. It helped him understand that it was not a problem that would have gone away without help. He is now taking it one day at a time without masterbation, pornography and definitely no affairs. We stopped relations for a few weeks and slowly reintroduced loving intimiate sex. My problem is that he feels “cured” so to speak and doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. He’d rather forget that it happened because of the shame and doesn’t want the constant reminder by discussing how things are going. Has anyone else had this happen to them? We agreed that he would come to me first when he is tempted by porn and we would talk through it. That hasn’t happened yet thankfully. But it is still something that I think about almost daily. He feels like he has confronted his demon and is ready to move on. I have not fully come to grips with the fact that he physically cheated on me. Are there any good books or other resources out there that are recommended? I know what happened was not my fault, but if he won’t talk about it I need another avenue to help me through this. Just writing this helps…
anonymous
June 9, 2009 • 9:25 am
My husband didn’t want to talk about it and told me for us to go on I would have to be able to forgive and not bring it up. I was happy to do that. But after a while something just did not feel right. It got to the point I would wake up in the middle of the night with a huge feeling that something was NOT right. I found his journal. Actually he can’t talk about it with me because HE is not over it. He journals about how he is not over to this day ! I really believe if husbands can’t talk then things are NOT okay. Now I need a mindset to readjust my expectations, realize we are still on the journey and at the same time let him know HE needs to recover. Hard to tell a person they are not okay when they are trying to convince you they are over something they are not truthfully over.
Luke
October 30, 2009 • 7:52 am
Thanks for this info. You might like the newest video we made about this very issue: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcpotyZ_oSM