This is an excerpt from a Candeo Student’s communication with his Candeo Coach. Candeo Students often express how finally understanding how their addiction works makes a huge difference in their recovery. We have the Student’s permission to share this on our blog:
The story of my struggle against porn addiction is way long, full of grief, loss, pain, suffering, betrayal, anguish, resent, remorse, failure, sins, and the list goes on. Actually let me tell you the real reason I finally decided to look for a way to quit pornography. For the past six years I had been watching porn and masturbating secretly at night on my laptop. First few years, I actually liked it. But after a while I began avoiding it considering the fact that it was a sin. But the more I avoid it, the more I did it. I attempted to take my life once too, but somehow God saved me. After a while, there came a point when I said forget it, I can never overcome this addiction. I will just have to live with this for the rest of my life. Then something tragic happened just 4 months ago.
My aunt died, of lung cancer. She was a non-smoker and her age was 35. I was shocked!! She was my best friend, my guardian, my inspiration. She was a kind of a person who will put the needs of others before her. She actively participated in charity drives, raising funds for orphans, helping the poor by providing them with food, shelter, clothing etc. For such a benevolent person to leave this world with so much pain was awful. My world toppled upside down. I first desired to be a rich man with lots of wealth , cars, and of course women. But now, I just wanted to dedicate my life to helping others who are in need. But as long as I was watching porn and masturbating, I couldn’t see my self becoming a benevolent person like my aunt. So for the past 4 months, I had been extensively browsing the internet for fixing my addiction and I finally found Candeo. And with the blessing of God, and my aunt, I have been porn free for almost a month. I have been actively participating in performing good deeds, like giving charity, helping out disabled in the public, helping my mom, playing with my little cousins, and many more smaller things.
I’ve just started level 3 of the training today. And I have to agree things are beginning to make sense. All these years I had been fighting with myself to stop this addiction and often would be successful in controlling this addiction for few a days. It is what you call the “control phase” where I would just dig in and try with all my strength to control all my thoughts and where my eyes go and try to do everything as perfect as I can.
Then after several days the battle would wear me out and the control cycle would break and then I enter into the release cycle where I give in and look at porn because I’m tired of fighting. I would stay in the release cycle until I get so disgusted with myself that I vow never to look at porn again and then I head back to the control cycle. Back and forth, over and over for years and years.
Tim
March 28, 2009 • 2:50 pm
Good to know there is hope in recovering from this awful addiction.
Steve
March 28, 2009 • 2:53 pm
I have experienced similar emotions/ feelings with my addiction. Good luck your recovery man. It’s good ot know that you don’t have to just live with the addiction, that there’s a way out.
Adrianne
March 28, 2009 • 8:21 pm
This story is a perfect answer for those who ask, why do good people suffer and die. If this man’s aunt didn’t pass away when she did, he might still be a porn addict
Nathanael
March 30, 2009 • 2:25 am
great story, offers hope. I just wonder, how can a student such as myself be sure that Candeo is worth the expense? The price doesn’t exactly fit a student budget. (The argument that porn has cost me alot is true to the extent of wasted years and strains on my marraige relationship etc….however i never spent a literal dime on porn but allways use(d)free sources up ’till now.)
Anonymous
March 30, 2009 • 2:34 am
Thats mean bro you are the man for sharing that. Its so true though about that cycle aye.
Mother of an Addict
March 30, 2009 • 2:54 pm
This testimony has given me hope. Even though many who have become addicted to porn have not paid a dime for it, the cost for the addicted person as well as those that love him/her is far greater than any dollar amount they have or have not spent. Porn mars and distorts what we’ve been created to become. If you are struggling with the cost of the program, pray and ask God for provision and guidance. This is a fight well worth fighting and a cost well worth paying, for you and for those that love you and desire God’s best for you. May each of you taking the course be strengthened and encouraged as you take your first steps to freedom. Your own comments have been a tremendous encouragement to me.
Dave
March 30, 2009 • 6:18 pm
I would suggest that the student who wrote this be really self aware. It is evident you have made much progress, and found much motivation, but I was almost at the exact same point when I fell again. But even If you do fall, it is not the end. I have worked on candeo for a while and struggled a lot before that, and I made a lot of progress on candeo, but I made some mistakes on the way. I am now turning in my mission papers for the lds church. What helped me was self awareness, just because you are making progress doesnt mean you can stop fearing your triggers and become pridefull. most important however, is that if you do fall, dont stop working. You may want to say falling has taken me all the way to the bottom so whats the problem with relaxing for a while before I pick up the pieces again and start again, but you haven’t fallen all that way, and by immediately starting to work again, at least for me, didn’t allow nearly as much time for my brain to reinforce the addictive behavior. practice the situation you just fell too immediately after you slipped. You are a great person making great progress. WAY TOO GO!
Vinster
April 3, 2009 • 5:52 am
Thanks for sharing your story. Reminded me that it is almost exclusively that when we are discouraged, depressed or in some level of misery that we are compelled to act out. When we are “happy” or enjoying a level of peace and/or joy, we don’t. Have you ever seen a genuinely happy porn addict? Heroin addict? Cocaine addict? No you haven’t. It appears you are learning, perhaps for the first time in a long time, that when we are serving and doing and ‘loving’ others we find real and authentic peace of mind and contentment. In those times we lose our self-concern and self-absorption with ‘our’ pain, ‘our’ problems, etc. They seem to fade away, as if by magic. We wonder “where did our compulsion go? Our addiction? Add to that another 30 days, another 3 months, 6 months, etc. and your life will be full of the peace and joy we all thought we could find through our sexually acting out. It isn’t enough to just “stop” acting out, is it? I must “replace it”, with things that, over time, will take me out of the “house of misery” I have been living in, into the “house of joy”, where I have wanted to live all my life, but didn’t know how to unlock the door to get in. Keep it up my man. We are all pulling for you.
fellow addict
April 7, 2009 • 7:57 am
thank you you have shown me its possible to stop and that it cant control your life
Anonymous
May 3, 2009 • 3:19 pm
TSM thnx man,i thnk frm nw on il wrk on it as u hv given me hope.may god bless u.cn we all stand firm and pray 2 GOD 4 dis addiction 2 leave us.