Submitted by a Candeo Student
I am still using the FRC technique every time that I am faced with the urge to act out my addiction. I also have been listening to several of the podcasts offered in the Candeo Plus site. I think it has been about a month since I last had a slip but I am not quite sure because I am no longer basing my recovery on how long I have not slipped. I am concentrating more on my awareness and how quickly I can notice my triggers and take the appropriate actions.
For the first several weeks after I started Candeo, I was having the hardest time identifying early the path I was taking to relapsing. However, for the past several weeks I have been able to identify early on those triggers and have used the FRC technique to overcome. I have noticed that the temptations have seemed to lessen and be less frequent, but they are still there. Just yesterday I can remember two times when I was tempted at work to look at pornography and used the FRC technique. I am also finding that with thoughts as I am driving, or out and about, that I am automatically facing and replacing thoughts without really even thinking about it.
I really appreciate the topic you brought up this week on fear. When I first started this training, I did not think fear was that big of a trigger. Lately, I think it is the biggest trigger to my addiction. It took me until the end of my regular Candeo training to realize that sexual thoughts are not necessarily bad and that I don’t have to run from them. It all depends on what I do with them. I have been facing them and replacing them with statements of truth regarding healthy sexuality and that having those thoughts is part of being human.
The largest fear that I have been grappling with during my recovery process is the fear of relapse. I was always basing my recovery on the length of my sobriety. Only lately have I come to realize that I would fear relapsing because I was basing my recovery solely on my length of sobriety and not on how aware I am, how consistently and effectively I am using the Candeo tools, and how I am creating healthy sexuality. I especially dealt with fear last week as I was starting to be afraid of slipping and ended up speaking with my wife about that fear. You asked how I handled that fear. I am glad to report that I faced it and replaced it.
Note from Candeo Professional Team:
This report from a Candeo Student is a great example of how to measure your recovery success, and how to break free of the fear of relapse. In response to this Student’s comments, it would be reasonable to ask, “So, are you saying that sobriety and discontinuing your addictive behaviors aren’t important?”
Of course it’s important to focus on replacing addictive behaviors with healthy choices and habits—that’s what recovery is all about. HOWEVER, when the primary focus and measure of success is based on “How long I can go without a slip,” this throws the individual into the pit of “control and release,” “avoidance” and the “obsessive/compulsive cycle.” The focus must be on the consistent daily use of effective recovery principles, tools and skills.
Anyone can use sheer grit and “white-knuckle-it” to avoid their sexual addiction behaviors. But, this will only last so long before they give in. It is the consistent daily use of recovery tools and developing recovery skills that creates long-term recovery success. This daily work is what change the brain’s addiction wiring and replaces it over time with healthy circuitry. With this approach, sobriety and longer periods between slips are simply the “natural result” of having developed new healthy thought patterns, effective ways of responding to sexual addiction urges, and overall life-skills. Don’t measure your recovery success by “how long it’s been,” but rather by how effective you are at using your recovery knowledge, tools and skills in your daily life.
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Ken
August 27, 2009 • 6:14 am
Ok, Wow! After reading this I saw that I always base my recovery only on “How long it’s been.” I am not saying bad things about 12 step programs but they seem to push more on how long it’s been then anything else. Through this it goes deeper than “How long it has been.” I found me beating myself up when I would fall “slip” back into pornography! The obsessive/compulsive ways I went through to try and keep myself from slipping. Which drove me nuts and I would slip eventually to try and get rid of the thoughts. For me whether the pornography addiction is online or offline like through porn magazines, tv, etc. I have a problem it’s called addiction!!! I can see it’s based on fear and the fears of slipping back. Then I also see and hear it’s about replacing those fears and negative thoughts for something better. It is stated in here, “That sexual thoughts aren’t bad… I don’t have to run from them. It all depends on what I do with them.”
Why is this program not free? It being free sure would help me out right now. Guess I can’t have everything but this one time would be nice.
I am going through quite a financial thing and as much as I’d like to do this program I do not have the funds of any sort to do this right now. When I can afford this I will sign-up. Because I sure would like the help and I sure could use the extra help to overcome this addiction.
Enough about that. This one really got my attention and if nothing more to look at my own situation in a different view and manner.
Thanks as always.
AlwaysAndForever
August 27, 2009 • 8:27 am
This is good counsel from a fellow student. For those that don’t fully understand 12 step work, length of sobriety is certainly a part of the program, but not the major focus. Length of sobriety, in my opinion, is simply a way of showing ourselves and others that for those who choose to work the steps—They can and will have long term sobriety. This evidence can be found in any honest 12 step fellowship.
Working the principals in 12 step work is the key–Especially when we feel weak or fearful or tempted. A major part of 12 step work is staying connected with those who understand the nature of our addiction and who care about our recovery. These genuine persons are typically our sponsors and other members of our fellowship who help us face our fears as we surrender them up to these people and to our Higher Power. We do this daily or hourly as needed—We literally Face it, Surrender it to them and Our Higher Power by connecting with others who know and care about our struggles.
Sexual addiction thrives is secrecy and in personal isolation. When we choose to reveal this secrecy to others—The power the addiction has over us, is gone, and will fall out of our lives—But we must CHOOSE to make this connection to be free or we will remain trapped and powerless. When we go against this powerful secrecy and share it with God and those who love us and who will not condemn us, we will no longer need our addiction—We will be out its grasp and be free.
Ron
August 27, 2009 • 8:52 am
Yea, I would like to see if i could get in the program, but i don’t have a job or the money. Is there anything i can do to get the help i need. The addiction affects me too. I will repay once i get a job but until then i have to pull my hair out trying to control my porn addiction and i failed everytime and i got to the point that I hate myself and give in. never knew it could be this hard. I beat drugs, cigarettes, and drinking but porn is like a demon in my body HELP ME PLEASE
Q
August 27, 2009 • 9:20 am
I guess like everyone I always based my ‘success’ on how long I’d been ‘clean’
The truth of the matter is that its a very hard and tough cycle to break out of, and though the steps help, my individual triggers always seem to be set off
I’ve discovered a good way of dealing with the urge to surf the net for porn (and subsequently) masturbate is by having an Accountability Partner. In my case, its my fianceé who’s been real supportive. Having someone trustworthy to count on for the times you ‘slip/almost slip’ ensures that your conscience also adapts to the awareness that someone will hold you accountable. Its been working out great so far, and has even helped the relationship.
I, however, thank Candeo for the Steps to Recovery, its comforting to know that I’m not in this alone.
Keep up the good work guys and God Bless
AlwaysAndForever
August 27, 2009 • 10:37 am
Dear Ron,
The Candeo program is good if you can afford it. If you can’t, don’t dispair. Contact Sexaholics Anonymous–Their 12 step program is entirely free. The only thing that qualifies those who attend it, is a desire to be sexually sober. Look up http://www.SA.org on the web and follow the links there to a group that meets in your city or area–You will find people in that fellowship there that understand your addiction and will not judge you–But will welcome you with affection and open arms.
I know this personally. It has worked for me. It will likewise work for you, if you attend their meetings and work the steps. God bless your efforts.
Ken
August 27, 2009 • 12:40 pm
You’re right I don’t think I fully understood the 12 step program. Thank you for helping me understand the 12 steps more and for the website Always and Forever.
I really need all the help I can get because over and over I have thought I could do this all by myself and that’s not working for me. This story gave me some real life hope.
I don’t normally come back here. Usually after I have read the story I will put a comment in here and gone till the next story and I did the same till today. I have been here 3 times today to read the story posting it on facebook and google bookmarks as well. This blog made quite an impact on me. Thank you again.
John
August 27, 2009 • 1:10 pm
I listened to one of your free podcasts last night – when I felt the urge to act out. I could sense the urge, but had to do the forensics to find the root of the urge. I have been having difficulty at work – getting myself to do the work I know how to do – despairing that I didn’t make any difference. My brother recently revealed he was diagnosed as severely depressed. One of my employees who has been through surgery, radiation and chemo just advised me that he was informed by the medical team he was working with – that the cancer was back. All these things were scaring me. I was diagnosed with prostate cancer 10 months ago. All these things were corroding my faith in life, in God and in myself. Listening to the podcast I took heart, looked at these scary things and what the almost certain results would be of going on line and looking at pornography – short term relief long term self reproach. It wasn’t easy but was definitely worth the effort. I’m pretty sure I’m going to take advantage of the $50 discount and sign up for the course. Thanks for all you offer free. And yes to all those who can’t afford it – there are free 12 step groups out there, and they help immeasurably when you want to get sober and get your life back.
truemoksha
August 28, 2009 • 8:36 am
This is a great write up. I have always based my sobriety on how long I have gone since the last slip and have not thought about how to just notice the triggers when they come and then FRC it. I have not gotten to FRC in my training yet but I have the general idea of what it is and I have been using more aadequately and appropriately now. It has been a saving grace for me and it has really steered my thoughts in a more positive and uplifting direction, as well as not think of women as just sexual objects in my head.
My girlfriend has been a great part of my recovery. I agree with the point of opening up to someone and telling them about the addiction, which I did to her after keeping it a secret for so long and lying left and right about or downplaying it as well. I have since gone one to tell my family as well who have been very supportive of all that has happened and I can feel a real relief and not just that I am also feeling that I am examining the root causes of my problem more and understanding why I pursued all this in the first place. My secrecy had kept me shrouded in it for a long time and I was stuck in my OCD cycle without really making any real progress. Now I can really feel the change.
AlwaysAndForever
August 28, 2009 • 1:55 pm
To all of those above–Thank you for your honest comments. I know that I have just begun my 12 step work in Sexaholics Anonymous, as I have only had 35 days of sexual sobriety. I still have a long way yet to go, but I want to say that these last 35 days have been like no others.
Do I sometimes still get tempted to view porn and masturbate? Of course!–But the strength of these temptations and urges have been incredibly reduced. This has happened in large measure by my connection to the people I know and speak to every day from my fellowship of Sexaholics Anonymous. There are so many other men out there that suffer just as we do. The key is to meet with them regularly and contact some of them each day and share in their strengths and weaknesses and learn how to connect to the Grace and Power of God together. I believe God often answers our prayers through the help and effort of other people who care about our struggles.
Through the Grace of God and the camaraderie of a good 12 step Sexaholics Anonymous Group–WE CAN ALL BEAT THE POWER THIS ADDICTION HAS OVER US—OF THIS I AM NOW SURE!!!
jpeth
October 27, 2009 • 4:14 pm
Ron (and anyone else out there in need),
I know this is late, as this post was back in August, but there another free twelve-step group option can be found here: http://www.providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,6629-1-3414-1,00.html
Keep hope alive!
Dan
October 27, 2009 • 9:41 pm
Ken,
If you’re really interested in getting out of your addiction by using this program, let me know. I can sign you up so you can use it. I am willing to do this only because I know how this addiction can take control of one’s life. Feel free to email me at mail.imdaniel@gmail.com
Edin
July 10, 2010 • 2:49 pm
I think this is one of the best counsel for overcoming mp addiction. Thanks.