It has been estimated that there are over 60 million people in the U.S. alone who are involved with Internet pornography use at some level. This has become an overwhelming epidemic. Understandably, there is a great deal of focus on helping individuals break out of their pornography use. However, with so much attention on the porn user, another very significant person is often neglected–the wife or girlfriend. When you first discover that your companion is involved with pornography, it’s normal to enter a period of denial to block the pain and devastation. Some even dismiss the behavior as just something that guys do–”boys will be boys.” Many experience a sea of emotions that can include: inadequate, deceived, isolated, rejected, angry, responsible, ashamed, betrayed, lost, sad, desperate, confused, severely disappointed, and afraid of being alone. It can be very difficult to know exactly how to handle all of this. After years of experience working with pornography addicts and their companions, the most important first step you must take is realizing that individual’s pornography use is NOT ABOUT YOU!
This Isn’t About You
Although it can be difficult to grasp, you must come to an understanding of the reality that your companion’s pornography use is not about you! To help you fully accept this fact, you must first realize that pornography and other sexual addictions are literally a “drug addiction” with a neuro-chemical effect on the brain that is very similar to cocaine and other illicit street drugs.
Pornography addiction is a “chemical addiction.” Pornography is powerful because it takes advantage of and taps into intense emotional, biological and chemical connections throughout the brain and the entire body. We are born with many of these connections “pre-wired” or “pre-set” to switch on at certain times in our development. Pornography seeks to twist the truth and “mimic” or “counterfeit” this built-in attraction. Its goal is to ignite, excite and exploit these natural built-in urges and desires.
During sexual process, the brain begins narrowing its focus as it releases a tidal wave of endorphins and other neurochemicals like dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin and serotonin. These “natural drugs” produce a tremendous rush or high. When these chemicals are released during healthy marital intimacy we refer to them as “the fabulous four” because of the myriad positive benefits they generate between husband and wife. When they are released during pornography use, we call them “the fearsome four” due to the severe addiction and many negative consequences they produce in the brain and nervous system.
Now you know why we refer to pornography use as “substance abuse.” In fact, the neurochemical release triggered by pornography viewing is so intense, many scientists refer to it as an “roto-toxin” and the most powerful drug in history.
Many would agree that we live in the most stressful time in the history of the world–there are more than enough pressures to push us to seek escape through many forms of self-medication–both healthy and destructive. Imagine taking the most powerful drug in history and making it instantly available at the push of a button, at little or no cost. Your drug use is secret, and the drug dealers come to you! That’s exactly what the Internet has done with pornography. It’s what we call the “4 A’s of the Internet” Accessible, Affordable, Anonymous and Aggressive. Now can you understand why some estimates show more than 60 million people in the U.S. caught up in this “drug use” at some level?
As you can now see, the triggers and motivations for pornography use are very similar to the underlying causes that lead people to alcoholism, drug abuse and other addictions. Imagine a woman with a heroine-addicted husband declaring, “If only I was more sexually responsive, if I kept a cleaner house, if I lost some weight . . . my husband would stop using drugs.” Of course, that’s ridiculous, and so is blaming yourself for your companion’s pornography use or other inappropriate sexual behaviors. So, as you help your companion progress on his recovery journey, always keep in mind that “his addiction is not about you.” This knowledge will help you push through many of the negative emotions you are feeling, and focus instead on being your companion’s recovery partner.
For more information about the Candeo Pornography Addiction Recovery Training program, please visit www.candeocan.com.
stevens
January 29, 2009 • 2:57 pm
We had been married 19 years when I found my husbands pornography trail buried inside our family computer. And finally I understood. Like diagnosing a disease, I felt a relief knowing what was causing most things that were wrong with our relationship. We went through painful counseling where I learned he had been addicted at an early age and had continued the behavior our entire marriage. Words cannot express the betrayal of learning about his double life.
Stupidly I thought that knowing about it, working through it, and trying to be a better wife would change things. Its has been six years since I found the pornography. In that time he has gotten great at hiding. For personal survival reasons, I’ve gotten great at detachment. Our relationship is more strained now than ever before. My husbands obsessions, control issues, and unpredictable behavior have been very difficult. He recently found your program and I pray it will somehow help him grasp reality.
I hate pornography. I hate what it has taken from us. I am angry for the time it has stolen from our family. I grieve for the creative, happy, unselfish
man I married. Pornography and the behavior associated with it is nothing short of my enemy.
Everyone says pornography is not about the spouse, but please believe me when I say it very much effects the spouse. There is a direct association with my sexuality and his addiction. When my husband is having sex he’s having sex. Period. And I care whether its with me or without me. But pornography is the ultimate other woman. She’s always there, perfectly displayed for him to devour. And once he’s had her she’s etched into his mind for instant sex no questions asked.
Yes I am hurting. Yes understand the cycle of addiction and helplessness my husband lives in. I don’t blame him, but unfortunately I’ve had to build walls to stay in this marriage. There are not only walls keeping me from my husband, but I have also become isolated from my friends and family. The fear of breaking down and telling them puts me at too much of a risk for any relationship.
I find myself as the ghost of who I once was. I am socially isolated and emotionally distant. My husband calls me cold and unfeeling, and he is right. Logically I know it is vital in his recovery for me to open my heart to him and have an intimate relationship. I am honestly having an impossible time with this and I recognize that I’m a stumbling block down his road to recovery. Your program is designed to change the brain chemistry. Do you have steps to heal me back to the person I once was so we can put this nightmare behind us at last?
Mark Kastleman
March 2, 2009 • 8:16 pm
Stevens:
My heart goes out to you. It is always the innocent spouse who suffers most in the porn addict’s wake. Your feelings are completely legitimate and important to face and deal with. I am so impressed with your ability to openly express your challenges and assess your own feelings–this self-awareness and assessment is not easy. If your husband is starting the Candeo program, the best advice I can give is that you learn along with him. The 10 levels of training will give you great insight into his addiction, BUT even more importantly, the principles and practices will help you begin your own healing process. As he applies the Candeo tools to his addiction, you can adjust them just slightly to help you evolve through your own struggles. In addition, our “Candeo-Plus” program has resources specifically for spouses. So, while your husband is following the program, follow the program for your own benefit–working on your own healing is one of the best ways you can help him. Together, you can succeed.