How can a guy engage in cybersex in the same room where his wife if sleeping? It’s all about the “brain science of chemical dependency.
10 Replies to Podcas 34 – How Can My Partner Have Cybersex While I’m Sleeping?
Alshea
July 16, 2010 • 1:59 pm
i like this podcast it’s a very interesting thing how we as human separate our bad habits to justify our lives,a prostitute using her body,but not giving herself away,a man trying to hold on to a sexual addiction and family at the same time ,i know god is not please we all need prayer.
Thank you for finally talking about cyber-sex. In my opinion this seems almost to be an even harder, or deeper addiction, then just watching porn. Because we relate, we talk, we give our own words in these situations. I am myself in this addiction. Instead of being a passiv viewer, I get to be an active part, even though I am the only one who is seeing the other. But I get to be an active part with my words, my wishes, my desires.. everything. It is so sad. There are so many logical contradictions in this that I dont even know where to start, but I experience how these chains are bound in me. But. As Alshea says, prayer…
There is one, who sees everything, who sees deeper and behind the addiction, and that is my comfort in my struggle. The sin is deep, and it is so deadly for me. This is slavery. But there is one, who did this slavery for me, and in the last weeks it has become clearer and clearer what Jesus actually did for me. My biggest temptations, my highest falls into sin, he did for me. Jesus became sin, thank God he rose again, so I can turn to him and say: Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus, thank you, Jesus. And he accepts my sexuality, total and fully, I may (just) give all my thought to him in prayer, and the great struggle of letting the sin slip out of my hands, into his. This is how I know him, this is what I experience. CANDEO: Thank you for being the greatest blessing. God is using you for this task. Did you know that? Thank you so much!
Every podcast, every article, every short blog – all make perfectly good sense. But I can’t make my boyfriend of 6 years do anything more than look at me like I’m from outer space when I bring up your program. He’s a daily internet porn w/self stimulation man. He’s happy with that. He also thinks I don’t know just how often this happens, but I do. Tell-tale signs are always there. We DON’T have sex. I believe he can only get his release from his time on the internet. (and no, I am not ugly)
We have a great relationship – otherwise. Just no sex. We are more like ‘best friends” without benefits! If I bring up my concern with having a sexless relationship, he just gives me a blank stare and will NOT comment. I can leave all the hints I want about Candeo — have printed out your articles and have asked him to please at least read them. I doubt he’s done even that much.
“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink”
Am I just out of luck with this man, or is there SOMETHING more I can do?????
By the way – we are in our 50′s….and both look very young for our age. I’m on the outside looking in!!! I guess I just have to keep trying, but – I believe he see’s this as nagging.
I like the mental image of the hourglass, it is very accurate. The explanation of the avoidance cycle is also very interesting to me. Does Mark Kastleman talk about that in his book…what’s it called? The Drug of the New Millennium or something similar? I keep meaning to get it. Another aspect of the avoidance cycle which is not talked about here is the feeling of failure and disappointment in oneself with each slip back into the narrow-minded fix-obtaining. Men are often taught that we should never weaken, never tire, never need a break, especially if the fight is worthwhile. So when we do give in from weariness of the battle, we can feel extremely depressed, apathetic (“what difference does it make?”) and full of self-loathing before we get the energy to recommit ourselves to “I’m never doing that again!” I’ve experienced this myself–used it as evidence that I was a worthless person, and even went through many suicidal stages prompted in no small part by my pornography habit.
Dear Karen!
You show a tremendous amount of love. On the edge of the unbeareable for a human being.
I just wanna ask you one question: Does he know he makes you sad? Does he know that what he does makes you feel terrible?
Sometimes giving solutions isn’t the best thing, in our deep humanity of self-centeredness, we hate to be told how to live. But, if we are told that we matter, that he matters, to you, and that what he does really hurts you. This may be another way to communicate it. Can this be of any value? I hope so. Best wishes.
As I near the end of my fifties, I have finally made it three years without masturbating.
Wow, that was hard to say. It seems easy to talk about porn, not so easy to admit you’re addicted to it. But the “M” word, that is a powerful, and fearful word. I’ve been married 34 years, no one ever knew. I tried a few drugs in my life, mostly alchohol and tobacco. I never liked marijuana, but the best comparison to porn or masturbation, is cocaine. I got it free for a short while, and luckily couldn’t afford it when it ran out. I wasn’t willing to turn to crime to get it, thank God.
This “M” word business though, I can verify, if you don’t believe in a higher power, you are at an extreme disadvantage. Nevertheless, God helps those who help themselves. If I knock you down, its my fault; if I come back a week later and you’re still on the ground, its your fault. I will make it.
I live your life, and I know and the pain and hurt it causes. So many of the same issues, I live with everyday. No man will ever know just how self destructing it is to our heart and soul as a person to feel so unwanted. My relationship is exactly like yours. I could not understand how someone who shows his love to me could bear to see the hurt and pain in my eyes as I told him, “You make me feel so ugly about myself”. It’s even harder, when other men hit on me because I can’t understand why he doesn’t see me like they do.
So, after 1 awesome year and 5 bad years of this relationship, I told him to pack and leave. I was tired of him making me feel ugly and unwanted. I am a very passionate person in everything I do and it was time for me to be passionate about ME.
Having no idea nor really caring how this was going to end, he finally realized that he has an uncontrollable situation that he himself cannot stop on his own. Thank you to this website as he is seeking treatment, although, I am still gone, it took a strong dose of reality and the pain of my leaving to realize, this is not the life he wants. Who knows maybe someday things will be different between us, but right now I am his friend and will give him support, but I am focusing on ME.
Good luck and know there are many of us out there just like you.
Brenda, Karen and to other women who have to deal with this behavior from the man who claims to love you; I have been in a fantastic relationship with a man going into our third year. We are very passionate in bed and consider each other to be our best friend. We do not live together, but have been discussing merging our lives, whether by marriage or by moving in together. Until two days ago I felt completely certain that this man was the love of my life, soul mate and the one I wanted to spend the rest of time with. However, after discovering yet another sexual text conversation with another woman (there have been two other episodes that I dealt with and put behind us about 8 – 10 months ago) I realize that he truly does have a problem. After he lied to me about it, he did finally admit what occurred. While he insists he never has met the woman, the message implied that they had met and had intercourse. It was quite graphic! Regardless, clearly he has a secret obsession and a pattern of inappropriate behavior. After discovering this last episode we went on an overnight business trip together, and it was terrible. I could hardly even look at him. While on the trip he lashed out at me making me feel as if I was causing him pain. One minute he was begging for forgiveness, the next he was attacking me for making his trip miserable. I did not attack him; rather I was professional, rather quite and at time rot with sadness and tears. Prior to him dropping me off upon our return he agreed to get help through counseling and he went home. In the middle of the night while I was sleeping he texted me & called, and since I did not respond he came back to my house, used his key and climbed into bed with me. He begged for me to forgive him. I just don’t know how. Today I am considering changing my locks so I can heal privately and focus on my new career position I have just come out of training for. I can not jeopardize my livelihood by obsessing over this or by being woken up in the middle of the night because he feels bad and needs to talk. I’m reaching out here seeking guidance and insight to what to do. I do love him deeply, but I am so broken down from this behavior. I do want to help him, but I want to help myself obviously as well.
Lauri, I feel your pain and GET OUT as fast as you can! I married the man that your talking about and it has been the hardest 4 and half years of my life. I don’t hate myself and I know it’s not my fault that he does these things. It’s a vicious cycle that will NEVER go away. I have caught my husband about 6 times having phone sex with other women and SKYPE converstions. And when I catch him he tries to turn it on me and make me feel like if I was more loving, or sexual, or said kinder things, that he wouldn’t “need” this. He also says he’s going to get help and counseling… and in that moment I truely believe he thinks he needs help but as soon as that moment is past he’s back to his old tricks again. This behavior will NOT go away and merging your life will only eventually break your heart more. My husband also will not let it drop and is pushy and forceful with wanting me to forgive him. I’ve found with this type of behavior they more often then not think of themselves first and formost and if they can’t think of how your feeling only that you have not forgiven them.
My heart breaks upon hearing your stories. I too, have been married for 23 years to a porn addict who’s problem has escalated to him going to strip clubs and now becoming involved with one stripper in particular for the past few years. This has broken my heart to no end.
My husband denies he has a problem at times, at others, has gone to SA, and even to conferences for porn-addicted men, to no avail. I finally said “enough”. I have been through the wringer with him, and need to work on “me” now, in regaining my shattered self-esteem. We are on our 5th separation in 3 years, and the last one for me. I could never take this caliber of man back, who will not get help, and continue on in his sickness. It’s so true, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink”.
If I had to do it over again, If I found out my man was into this, if he didn’t seek help the first or second time I found out, I would leave him for good. There are decent men out there in the world who are not into this filth. It’s just sad I endured it for as long as I did. It is the drug of the new generation. If any knows the name of that book, I’d like to read it, but I will not give anything further to my husband. He has to get to the point to want to get help he needs for himself. Another ruined marriage and family, because of this “drug of this generation”, sadly. It will take a miracle of the Lord, and a new conversion at this point for our marriage to be healed. But I am not waiting around for it. God’s timetable and ways are not our ways.
God Bless everyone reading this!
Alshea
July 16, 2010 • 1:59 pm
i like this podcast it’s a very interesting thing how we as human separate our bad habits to justify our lives,a prostitute using her body,but not giving herself away,a man trying to hold on to a sexual addiction and family at the same time ,i know god is not please we all need prayer.
alpha777
July 16, 2010 • 4:19 pm
Thank you for finally talking about cyber-sex. In my opinion this seems almost to be an even harder, or deeper addiction, then just watching porn. Because we relate, we talk, we give our own words in these situations. I am myself in this addiction. Instead of being a passiv viewer, I get to be an active part, even though I am the only one who is seeing the other. But I get to be an active part with my words, my wishes, my desires.. everything. It is so sad. There are so many logical contradictions in this that I dont even know where to start, but I experience how these chains are bound in me. But. As Alshea says, prayer…
There is one, who sees everything, who sees deeper and behind the addiction, and that is my comfort in my struggle. The sin is deep, and it is so deadly for me. This is slavery. But there is one, who did this slavery for me, and in the last weeks it has become clearer and clearer what Jesus actually did for me. My biggest temptations, my highest falls into sin, he did for me. Jesus became sin, thank God he rose again, so I can turn to him and say: Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus, thank you, Jesus. And he accepts my sexuality, total and fully, I may (just) give all my thought to him in prayer, and the great struggle of letting the sin slip out of my hands, into his. This is how I know him, this is what I experience. CANDEO: Thank you for being the greatest blessing. God is using you for this task. Did you know that? Thank you so much!
karen
July 16, 2010 • 5:13 pm
Every podcast, every article, every short blog – all make perfectly good sense. But I can’t make my boyfriend of 6 years do anything more than look at me like I’m from outer space when I bring up your program. He’s a daily internet porn w/self stimulation man. He’s happy with that. He also thinks I don’t know just how often this happens, but I do. Tell-tale signs are always there. We DON’T have sex. I believe he can only get his release from his time on the internet. (and no, I am not ugly)
We have a great relationship – otherwise. Just no sex. We are more like ‘best friends” without benefits! If I bring up my concern with having a sexless relationship, he just gives me a blank stare and will NOT comment. I can leave all the hints I want about Candeo — have printed out your articles and have asked him to please at least read them. I doubt he’s done even that much.
“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink”
Am I just out of luck with this man, or is there SOMETHING more I can do?????
By the way – we are in our 50′s….and both look very young for our age. I’m on the outside looking in!!! I guess I just have to keep trying, but – I believe he see’s this as nagging.
Michael
July 17, 2010 • 10:36 am
I like the mental image of the hourglass, it is very accurate. The explanation of the avoidance cycle is also very interesting to me. Does Mark Kastleman talk about that in his book…what’s it called? The Drug of the New Millennium or something similar? I keep meaning to get it. Another aspect of the avoidance cycle which is not talked about here is the feeling of failure and disappointment in oneself with each slip back into the narrow-minded fix-obtaining. Men are often taught that we should never weaken, never tire, never need a break, especially if the fight is worthwhile. So when we do give in from weariness of the battle, we can feel extremely depressed, apathetic (“what difference does it make?”) and full of self-loathing before we get the energy to recommit ourselves to “I’m never doing that again!” I’ve experienced this myself–used it as evidence that I was a worthless person, and even went through many suicidal stages prompted in no small part by my pornography habit.
alpha777
July 20, 2010 • 2:38 pm
Dear Karen!
You show a tremendous amount of love. On the edge of the unbeareable for a human being.
I just wanna ask you one question: Does he know he makes you sad? Does he know that what he does makes you feel terrible?
Sometimes giving solutions isn’t the best thing, in our deep humanity of self-centeredness, we hate to be told how to live. But, if we are told that we matter, that he matters, to you, and that what he does really hurts you. This may be another way to communicate it. Can this be of any value? I hope so. Best wishes.
jockamo
July 27, 2010 • 1:27 am
As I near the end of my fifties, I have finally made it three years without masturbating.
Wow, that was hard to say. It seems easy to talk about porn, not so easy to admit you’re addicted to it. But the “M” word, that is a powerful, and fearful word. I’ve been married 34 years, no one ever knew. I tried a few drugs in my life, mostly alchohol and tobacco. I never liked marijuana, but the best comparison to porn or masturbation, is cocaine. I got it free for a short while, and luckily couldn’t afford it when it ran out. I wasn’t willing to turn to crime to get it, thank God.
This “M” word business though, I can verify, if you don’t believe in a higher power, you are at an extreme disadvantage. Nevertheless, God helps those who help themselves. If I knock you down, its my fault; if I come back a week later and you’re still on the ground, its your fault. I will make it.
Brenda
November 13, 2010 • 3:34 pm
Karen,
I live your life, and I know and the pain and hurt it causes. So many of the same issues, I live with everyday. No man will ever know just how self destructing it is to our heart and soul as a person to feel so unwanted. My relationship is exactly like yours. I could not understand how someone who shows his love to me could bear to see the hurt and pain in my eyes as I told him, “You make me feel so ugly about myself”. It’s even harder, when other men hit on me because I can’t understand why he doesn’t see me like they do.
So, after 1 awesome year and 5 bad years of this relationship, I told him to pack and leave. I was tired of him making me feel ugly and unwanted. I am a very passionate person in everything I do and it was time for me to be passionate about ME.
Having no idea nor really caring how this was going to end, he finally realized that he has an uncontrollable situation that he himself cannot stop on his own. Thank you to this website as he is seeking treatment, although, I am still gone, it took a strong dose of reality and the pain of my leaving to realize, this is not the life he wants. Who knows maybe someday things will be different between us, but right now I am his friend and will give him support, but I am focusing on ME.
Good luck and know there are many of us out there just like you.
Lauri
January 18, 2011 • 10:25 am
Brenda, Karen and to other women who have to deal with this behavior from the man who claims to love you; I have been in a fantastic relationship with a man going into our third year. We are very passionate in bed and consider each other to be our best friend. We do not live together, but have been discussing merging our lives, whether by marriage or by moving in together. Until two days ago I felt completely certain that this man was the love of my life, soul mate and the one I wanted to spend the rest of time with. However, after discovering yet another sexual text conversation with another woman (there have been two other episodes that I dealt with and put behind us about 8 – 10 months ago) I realize that he truly does have a problem. After he lied to me about it, he did finally admit what occurred. While he insists he never has met the woman, the message implied that they had met and had intercourse. It was quite graphic! Regardless, clearly he has a secret obsession and a pattern of inappropriate behavior. After discovering this last episode we went on an overnight business trip together, and it was terrible. I could hardly even look at him. While on the trip he lashed out at me making me feel as if I was causing him pain. One minute he was begging for forgiveness, the next he was attacking me for making his trip miserable. I did not attack him; rather I was professional, rather quite and at time rot with sadness and tears. Prior to him dropping me off upon our return he agreed to get help through counseling and he went home. In the middle of the night while I was sleeping he texted me & called, and since I did not respond he came back to my house, used his key and climbed into bed with me. He begged for me to forgive him. I just don’t know how. Today I am considering changing my locks so I can heal privately and focus on my new career position I have just come out of training for. I can not jeopardize my livelihood by obsessing over this or by being woken up in the middle of the night because he feels bad and needs to talk. I’m reaching out here seeking guidance and insight to what to do. I do love him deeply, but I am so broken down from this behavior. I do want to help him, but I want to help myself obviously as well.
Mama
November 7, 2011 • 11:36 pm
Lauri, I feel your pain and GET OUT as fast as you can! I married the man that your talking about and it has been the hardest 4 and half years of my life. I don’t hate myself and I know it’s not my fault that he does these things. It’s a vicious cycle that will NEVER go away. I have caught my husband about 6 times having phone sex with other women and SKYPE converstions. And when I catch him he tries to turn it on me and make me feel like if I was more loving, or sexual, or said kinder things, that he wouldn’t “need” this. He also says he’s going to get help and counseling… and in that moment I truely believe he thinks he needs help but as soon as that moment is past he’s back to his old tricks again. This behavior will NOT go away and merging your life will only eventually break your heart more. My husband also will not let it drop and is pushy and forceful with wanting me to forgive him. I’ve found with this type of behavior they more often then not think of themselves first and formost and if they can’t think of how your feeling only that you have not forgiven them.
Sarah Rose
November 7, 2011 • 10:01 pm
Dear Lauri, Brenda and Karen:
My heart breaks upon hearing your stories. I too, have been married for 23 years to a porn addict who’s problem has escalated to him going to strip clubs and now becoming involved with one stripper in particular for the past few years. This has broken my heart to no end.
My husband denies he has a problem at times, at others, has gone to SA, and even to conferences for porn-addicted men, to no avail. I finally said “enough”. I have been through the wringer with him, and need to work on “me” now, in regaining my shattered self-esteem. We are on our 5th separation in 3 years, and the last one for me. I could never take this caliber of man back, who will not get help, and continue on in his sickness. It’s so true, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink”.
If I had to do it over again, If I found out my man was into this, if he didn’t seek help the first or second time I found out, I would leave him for good. There are decent men out there in the world who are not into this filth. It’s just sad I endured it for as long as I did. It is the drug of the new generation. If any knows the name of that book, I’d like to read it, but I will not give anything further to my husband. He has to get to the point to want to get help he needs for himself. Another ruined marriage and family, because of this “drug of this generation”, sadly. It will take a miracle of the Lord, and a new conversion at this point for our marriage to be healed. But I am not waiting around for it. God’s timetable and ways are not our ways.
God Bless everyone reading this!