Pornography addiction creates a great deal of shame, despair and self-loathing. After repeatedly trying and failing to implement the common advice “Why don’t you just stop looking at it,” many caught in the pornography trap feel hopeless—“I guess I’m just basically evil-minded and weak, a pervert and a freak.” Most don’t understand the specific processes that have developed their addiction over time. Learning there is a “logical explanation” for their condition goes a long way in relieving shame and hopelessness. Perhaps some of the following insights will help you better understand “how you got here:”
1. Excitement and Pleasure: Many individuals start out using pornography “recreationally,” that is, they find it exciting and arousing. Pornography viewing “mimics” sexual intimacy in that it causes the brain and other parts of the body to release endogenous chemicals producing a “rush” or a “high.” Most individuals also incorporate self-stimulation and climax into their pornography viewing which greatly intensifies this chemical release. It is thought of as fun, exciting, an easy and cheap way to get a thrill.
Some viewers begin to feel like they are entitled to recreate with pornography: “I had a hard day at work and I deserve some enjoyment and entertainment.” For example, a computer programmer was under a continual time crunch at work and felt guilty if he left his terminal. He would only allow himself a 30-minute break for pleasure every 5 hours. During this half hour he viewed pornography and self-stimulated. He reported that it gave him something to look forward to, and was a relief from the boredom and burnout of having to do the same thing over and over at work.
For many pornography users, what starts out as “recreational” quickly turns addictive (for some, after the first viewing), and leads to an escalating “drug of choice” for self-medication and escape.
2. Self-medication: When pleasure is easily and instantly accessible, can be produced on demand, and experienced repetitively, (i.e., Internet porn coupled with self-stimulation), it becomes addictive very rapidly. The brain forms habits with the greatest of ease. When the brain experiences the tidal wave of endogenous chemicals triggered by Internet porn and climax, it immediately sets up a mental model and the foundation for a habit—so that it can replicate this powerful process more easily next time. In the future, when the brain experiences stress, anxiety, boredom, loneliness, burn-out, etc., and seeks relief, it searches through its memory banks looking for the quickest, easiest, most potent solution—Internet porn and self-stimulation!
This mental model quickly becomes dominant with a vast set of links to thousands of images, myriad emotions, chemical release and relief. It becomes the “automatic” place the brain goes when life becomes unmanageable. Once a deep track to this mental model forms, the brain strongly resists changing it. What other remedy can the brain find that will release a similar tidal wave of chemicals that is instantly accessible, a virtually unlimited supply, cheap or free, and completely secret? Porn and self-stimulation becomes the automatic “drug of choice.”
3. Replacement for real intimacy: We live in an age of people communicating over the phone, by e-mail and in chat rooms. This has reduced the amount of face-to-face communication, interaction and real “connection.” Add to this the fact that some people are shy or afraid of social settings, others are divorced or experiencing marital difficulties, and many are so caught up in the busyness of life that in their most important relationships, they become like “ships passing in the night.” All of this creates feelings of isolation, disconnectedness and loneliness. Many seek out pornography and cybersex chat rooms as a substitute for real human connection, intimacy and relationships—to fill the “void” of loneliness. Pornography offers a “fantasized relationship;” a semblance of being in love and having a romantic partner.
In this fantasy world, the pornography viewer imagines things like, “She wants just me.” “She adores me—I’m desired, craved, loved.” The viewer sees the experience as exclusive, private—“It’s just me and her.” The pornography experience is seen as exciting, pleasurable, taboo, and privileged—“She is allowing me to see her naked”—giving the façade of intimacy, exclusivity, loyalty and trust. And all of this is easy, convenient, instant and cheap or free. It does not require the risk and work of developing and nurturing a true intimate relationship.
The great tragedy of using pornography or cybersex chat as a substitute for real intimacy is that these activities shut the person off from real human interaction, making them feel even more isolated, disconnected and lonely, increasing their longing, pain and shame. This then drives them to seek out more pornography and cybersex, creating a deepening downward-spiraling isolation and loneliness cycle.
4. Obsessive/Compulsive: Eventually the myriad negative consequences of pornography use lead the individual to a resolution to “quit.” However, few are prepared for the extreme difficulty and “rebellion of the brain” when they attempt to stop. After repeated failures to cease the behavior, the individual starts to feel “out of control,” weak, discouraged and hopeless. He begins to fear the sexual thoughts, images or stimuli that he might encounter in everyday life.
Just like the OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) sufferer who is obsessed with a fear of germs, the struggling porn user tries to force any sexual thoughts or images out of his mind. But the more he tries not to think about these things, the more they “force” themselves in. This is how every brain works. Avoidance of a feared or stressful thought quickly develops into an inability to stop thinking about the very thought one is trying to avoid. Soon his life becomes dominated by unwanted and intrusive thoughts—obsessive thoughts. And worst of all, he is surrounded by sexualized messages and images in his everyday life: song lyrics, TV commercials, billboards, junk mail, magazine covers at the grocery store check-out counter, and teenage girls and women all around him. Every time he “sees something” he immediately feels fear—“Oh no, I’m having a pornographic thought,” or “Now I’ve seen that magazine cover and I can’t get it out of my mind,” or “Why did that woman have to walk by!”—any kind of sexualized thought, message, image or stimulus instantly creates “World War III” in his mind. He can only keep this incessant fighting and struggling up for so long until he is worn out and exhausted.
Then he discovers that “giving in” to pornography and self-stimulation or some other sexual behavior actually provides temporary relief—the chemical rush, the incredible release of “Finally I don’t have to fight this anymore!” This becomes his compulsive behavior, like the OCD sufferer who obsesses over germs and then compulsively washes his hands to get relief from his obsessive thoughts. After giving in, he feels guilt, regret and shame and the whole cycle starts over again. The more he tries to fight it, the worse it gets. Finally, many just give in and give up, resigning themselves fully to their pornography addiction, which accelerates in its severity.
It’s important to understand that there is a logical, reasonable, scientific explanation behind how you got caught up in pornography addiction. You are NOT a freak, loser or lost cause. You are a good and valuable human being who has simply developed a dependency on an extremely powerful “brain-chemical-releasing activity” for escape, self-medication and pleasure. This is not unlike anyone who chooses alcohol, drugs, food or any other personal “drug-of-choice.” The good news is, just as with any other addiction, there is logical way out. You can break free form pornography addiction. The Candeo program has been created to put you on solidly the recovery path where you can quickly begin moving forward.
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Candeo is Devoted to Helping Pornography Addicts Start Down the Path of Healing
Candeo is an online organization whose mission is to educate and train individuals about the realistic, scientifically proven nature of Pornography Addiction.
It is estimated that in the U.S. alone, there are more than 60 million individuals, including men, women and children, caught up in Internet Pornography Addiction at some level. Pornography use is having a dramatic impact on their individual lives, families and society as a whole.
Candeo’s groundbreaking training system is an online Pornography Addiction Psycho-Education & Training System. This website contains many resources to help you learn more about this exciting new approach to helping those who are Addicted to Pornography.
To learn more and sign up for a FREE sample mini-course click HERE.
Ben
June 23, 2009 • 11:37 am
I’ve never thought of my addiction to be linked with the obsessive compulsive cycle. But this makes complete sense in my head now. I’m finally starting to see that I don’t have to live with this addiction forever.
pedro
June 23, 2009 • 12:55 pm
i have talked with a marriage counsler from my insurance. he says the same things you talk about. It only gets harder day by day. my marriage is in bad shape. I have suicidal thoughts. I feel so much pain for my wife it is becoming hard to get up in the morning.
LZ
June 23, 2009 • 1:08 pm
I found it very precise all the descriptions! I really think that’s what happens when one go through the pornography, mostly that part of thinking you’re having a trully intimacy and loyalty from the girl at the “other side”. What a shame of me, the one who had been through these things…
May God bless you and your families, because even getting these things done for God or not, that’s the kind of posture He expects from the human being He created!
hasW
June 23, 2009 • 9:49 pm
I am staring to see I am not alone.I am seeing its bigger then I thought and that feeling makes me feel there is hope.
Natalie
June 24, 2009 • 12:59 am
I’m a wife, and I recently found out that my husband is struggling, again. It’s been a long road, all of this sounds exactly like what he tells me it is like. I thank you for trying to help good men get out of this cycle and be the kind of husbands their loving wives and children need them to be.
Jessica
June 24, 2009 • 1:15 am
I’m beginning to think there’s hope for me yet! There is nothing worse than the feeling of shame i go through everytime i’ve just viewed porn. I can stay off it for at least 3 days, after that its back to square one. The feelings are very strong and i try very hard to ignore them but they get stronger until i give in
Sometimes i pray too hard, promising God that I’m not going to do it again, but it does’nt last.
What upsets me most is that I’m a woman, i’ve been raised to believe that only men have this problem, i feel so perverted and ashamed!
Alvin
June 24, 2009 • 9:14 pm
Yeah i see some hope for me as well! Candeo really helped me a lot. I’ve not been viewing porn for 3 weeks! This really mean something to me even though it’s only 3 weeks. =)
NS
June 28, 2009 • 4:14 pm
I don’t know much about OCD, but that connection makes a lot of sense to me. I can’t tell you how many times I find myself looking at porn when I don’t really want to – like a compulsion that I can’t stop. I’m looking forward to learning more about your program and the process of recovery.
Ed
June 28, 2009 • 9:00 pm
Hi, I have been viewing porno for about fitieen years and I have not being able to beat it I glad to hear that I am not the only one with this addiction, this program has help me understand what is going on withme. I am a Christian also , and I have prayed and prayed for help, well, I am still veiwing pronography and it has really aftected my marriage,I don’t know whiy she is still with me, I know she knows because she has caught me, but we do not speak of this. Well I will just keeping on learning and appllying what I have learned.
Luke
July 1, 2009 • 7:55 am
Such good thoughts, Mark. I remember you saying similar things in our interview on the podcast. Thanks for partnering with us!
http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2009/04/28/your-brain-on-porn-interview-with-mark-kastleman/
Anonymous
July 4, 2009 • 10:55 am
This is amazingly insightful. I have always coupled my pornography viewing with chatting with girls on various social networks to increase the ‘realness’ of that sexual intimacy. It is always a constant struggle being bombarded by sexual images, and I see the cycle that results in my OCD behavior. I plan on signing up for Candeo in the near future.
ali
July 12, 2009 • 12:32 pm
dear god
please help me, i have no energy left and the torment of this contdition has plagued me and made me loose my self respect, my focus, me sense of responsibility towards my health and lots more as you know already…
dear god, on this day i take stock of me and seek your help and pray that i have been directed to this site so that my my efforts to recovery be condoned by you, and and its not too late to beg your love, support and patience..
please help!!!!!!!!
We are all doomed
July 19, 2009 • 2:04 am
It is true once you get into porn that little peek its over. But what can we say the world revolves this junk which just makes you feel happy for a moment. This whole world as we keep advancing i feel that now everything in the near future will become a sin. heck i remember in 4th and 5th grade kids would start watching porn it’s just no way of escaping it. All i can say is that yes i am addicted to it, but sometime i regret it, but i just can’t stop. I hope that one day we can just stop and realize that this is useless so please help us god and i would keep looking on into this work.
PS: you guys should see Idiotcracy cause if porn keeps affecting millions of people by the second then that’s how our lives would be, just like this movie.
deril
November 11, 2009 • 4:50 am
can i know the sideeffects of masturbation please….
Mark Kastleman
November 12, 2009 • 2:45 pm
Here are a couple of article that talk about this issue:
http://candeocan.com/is-masturbation-a-crutch/
http://candeocan.com/porn-makes-men-impotent/
longtimeslave
November 22, 2009 • 4:43 am
pornography addiction has drained the life out of me
Paul
January 1, 2010 • 1:36 pm
I used porn (online porn specifically) for several years as self medication. It is a very hard cycle to break, but for a long time I did nothing to break it. Once I realized the toll it was having on me psychologically, emotionally, physically and very nearly legally, I have been able to break the cycle. I am currently dealing with the after effects of years of porn use, but have at least broken the cycle of addiction. Anything you can do to help to stop looking at porn DO IT! Don;t be afraid to find help, a priest, pastor, or therapist…get help, don’t be ashamed. And pray for strength from God, you can’t do it alone.
Anonymous
March 8, 2010 • 11:51 pm
This battle can be won. Have faith that God will take care of you — we don’t need this illusion to make us happy. Only settle for truth. In Paul’s letter he talks about our imperfections. 2 Corinthians 12:7,9-10
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was a given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.
He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”
You understand this weakness. Now with God’s help and His gift of faith, defeat this addiction and repent. You can do it.
Philippians 4:13 – “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
I’ve struggled with porn addiction off and on for 5 years. But God is so much bigger than my sins. The last time I failed was two weeks ago, but my heart is very different now. For Lents I gave up pornography, but it’s definitely a sin that is out of my life for good. And oh how good it is to be ridden of it.
Never again, starting right now, that means you. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Just believe that God will take care of you and help you to endure ending this sin in your life.
God bless, let’s pray for eachother. God has used this thorn to reveal His perfection, I pray that it can be used to help you too.
Have faith!
Jay
July 11, 2010 • 7:11 am
Im a Christian Male, i hate this addiction, but its good too know Im not the only one out there fighting this addiction…
If we have faith in Our lord God and Saviour jesus, we can all push away this Addiction, and continue with our fate and future
God Bless all of you, Have a hasty recovery
Gerard
October 9, 2010 • 11:31 am
It’s hard for me to give up pornography, because it feels so good. It interrupts my school work and stops me from my goals of being a better person. I guess I have to want to stop, first. It is a nasty habit. I’ve given up smoking and alcohol and drugs. I’m trying to do better, but I’m weak. I need help. I can’t do it alone.
sgagg
October 22, 2010 • 3:21 pm
I agree. i often feel the same feeling after I do that stuff. Reading this has made me feel as if I am not alone and can easily overcome this addiction. Thank you.
Julie
February 6, 2011 • 6:48 pm
I am a woman. I live in Australia, I am 42 years old, married with two teenage children. My husband and I run a family business and I work from home looking after the office. I am home alone for often for 7-8 hours per day, sometimes it is very quiet, no phone calls and I started surfing the internet and out of boredom started looking at adult sites. At first it was just for fun, then I started to feel some excitement and this progressed to me enjoying self pleasure. Before I realised it this became a daily ritual. I have never felt so hopeless when I realised I was addicted to this practice, I really did need my fix on a daily basis. Often I would spend 3-4 hours at a time looking and pleasuring myself. Other times I would have more than one session during the day.
I am now trying to pluck up the courage to tell someone face to face what I have become, this is my first attempt to explain my actions. Thank you for giving me this opportunity.
Chris
August 29, 2011 • 11:38 am
I have been addicted to pornography for most of my life. Once the internet came along, it was downhill from there. I am 30 years old now, and still struggling with pornography and masturbation. Here is my story: http://www.anonymousaddict12.blogspotcom