Those who produce Internet pornography and many of those who indulge in it would have us believe that it’s a harmless pastime; the “prudes” and “zealots” are blowing the issue all out of proportion. They make statements such as these:
Such attitudes couldn’t be further from the truth. Pornography claims its victims without regard to age, gender, race or religion. No one is immune; all are at risk. In its insidious wake lie the tractable innocent and the eager participant alike, side by side. With the unlimited distribution potential and capability of the Internet, pornography’s casualty list grows longer with each passing day.
On reading the forgoing dialogue, some readers may think, “Mark, aren’t you overreacting just a bit? How can the viewing of Internet pornography in the privacy of people’s own homes or offices be causing that many problems? Isn’t this just a harmless pastime, a healthy sexual outlet?”
In addition to the direct and well-documented link between porn use and rape, incest, molestation and pedophilia, like a thief in the night, Internet porn is also subtly, quietly, almost unnoticeably robbing individuals, couples and families of the things they hold most precious: time, energy, creativity, healthy marriage relationships, family love, respect, morality, decency, integrity, patience, harmony, success, happiness, fulfillment, spirituality–and the list goes on.
Silent Alarms
Silent alarms are going off all around us as a result of the effects of pornography on us, on our children, and on society as a whole. But few are responding to these alarms. Why? Because too many are allowing their attention to be diverted by the much louder alarms being set off by the pornographers themselves.
Censorship! First Amendment Rights! Freedom! scream these “wolves in sheep’s clothing,” all the while quietly collecting their enormous profits. Pornographers deliberately trigger these alarms just like the bank robber who sends a decoy to rob the teller while he empties the main vault and waltzes out the back door!
The tragedy is that while much of America is buying into and being distracted by these alleged “assaults” on our constitutional rights, the pornographers are robbing millions of their freedom by addicting them to porn. Along the way they are stealing the most precious treasure we have: the future legacy of goodness and decency that we want our children and grandchildren to enjoy.
The waves of pornography pouring freely from the Internet have developed into destructive shockwaves. Their aftershock rumblings will wreak havoc at a level and intensity of destruction never before experienced in the history of mankind.
Literally tens of millions of people have been victimized by pornography, including those who partake of this highly addictive drug and the myriad lives they negatively impact as a result. Pornography destroys marriages and families, increases overall crime rates, hammers corporate productivity, spreads sexually transmitted diseases, and the list goes on and on.
A common argument in favor of pornography is that it is simply entertainment and negatively affects only a few people.”The Ted Bundys of the world are sick and rare,” cries the pro-porn camp. “For the rest of us, porn is no different than any other hobby.”
Pornography is the “Great Thief” of Human Potential
It has been said: The saddest words of tongue and pen are these–What might have been. One of the greatest tragedies of pornography is that fact that it robs an individual of his great potential–all that he might have been, done and contributed to family and society. Pornography is a purely selfish hobby; it gives nothing to anyone but the viewer and the porn producer. In that way it is not at all like other hobbies, such as painting, writing, playing a musical instrument, woodworking or gardening, which give something of value to others and make the hobbyist a more generous, well-rounded person.
There Are Two Seas
Writer Bruce Barton inspires us with a powerful and appropriate metaphor:
One is fresh and fish abound in it. Splashes of green adorn its landscape. Trees spread their branches over it and stretch out their thirsty roots to sip of its life-giving waters. Along its shores children play, as children played when He was there. He loved it. He could look across its silver surface as He spoke His parables.
And on a rolling plain, not far away, He fed five thousand people in the miracle of the loaves and fishes. The River Jordan forms this Sea with sparkling waters from the hills. It laughs in the sunshine, and men build their houses near it, and birds their nests, and every kind of life is happier because it is there.
The River Jordan flows on south into another Sea. Here there is no splash of fish, no fluttering leaf, no song of birds, no laughter of little children. Travelers do not pass, unless on urgent business which might take them there. The air hangs heavy above its waters, and neither man nor beast nor fowl will drink of it.
What makes this mighty difference in these neighbor Seas? Not the River Jordan, it empties the same good water into both. Not the soil in which they lie, nor the country round about. The Sea of Galilee receives and gives but does not keep the Jordan water to itself. For every drop which flows into it, another drop flows out. The receiving and the giving go on, day after day, in equal measure. The other Sea hoards its income jealously. Every drop it gets, it keeps. The Sea of Galilee gives and lives. The other Sea gives nothing. It is named “The Dead Sea”.
So it is with those who immerse themselves in the “me-first/pleasure/climax-centered” world of Internet pornography. They keep everything for themselves. Like the selfish sea, they can become truly dead in their desires and capacities to love, lift and serve those around them. It is the grossly exaggerated self-centered and narcissistic nature of pornography use that produces so many victims. The great tragedy of pornography is that it isolates the user and disrupts and eventually destroys his most important relationships: Creator, self, spouse, children, extended family and friends.
Let’s Focus on Solutions!
With all of my pontificating about the true motives of pornographers and the victims in their wake, let me be clear about my motives. I am not attempting to chastise or create more shame if you struggle with pornography, nor do I want to resurrect painful memories if you are a victim, rather I want to raise your level of awareness and commitment to protecting your family and all those you care about from this awful epidemic. And most especially, if you or someone you care about is currently caught in the trap of pornography addiction, there is a way out. Taking the first steps onto the path of freedom is as simple as visiting the Candeo recovery training website at:Â www.candeocan.com
John M. Hodges
January 8, 2009 • 9:22 pm
What a great article! I really enjoyed the imagery of the River Jordan and the two neighboring seas. Thanks for sharing!
Megan
January 14, 2009 • 7:01 pm
I came across the Candeo website because I was having a difficult time understanding the reasons my husband would want to look at pornography and/or masterbate. If I, as his wife, was satisfying him intimately and sexually why would he be using this when he could be sharing that time and intimacy with me. As I read the information that was being sent I began to see the “triggers” that he himself was completely unaware of. Such as stress, boredom, and the desire to “escape reality”. I have found this information to be very encouraging and reassuring that his habits have little to do with me and so much more to do with his coping skills. It isn’t harmless and it definately affects the ones you love. Thanks!
John
March 25, 2009 • 9:58 pm
I agree with almost everything Mark has to say. However, I am turned off by his evangelical angle, his insistence that sex can only be acceptable in the confines of a marriage and the black and white interpretation he has of the issue of First Amendment rights. I understand the stance that there can be grey areas when it comes to pornography but being a non Christian I feel excluded from much of his preaching. Otherwise, I have gained great help from Mark.
Mark Kastleman
March 26, 2009 • 11:04 am
John:
Thank you for your honesty. It is true that I have Christian values and beliefs. However, you have really discovered the heart of our recovery training program when you said, “I agree with almost everything Mark has to say,” and “Otherwise, I have gained great help from Mark.” One of the attributes of a mature, evolved individual, is to be able to look through the personal beliefs of another, and see true intent and value at the core.
At Candeo, our strong emphasis is on “Brain Science” and the education, training and tools that are most effective in making changes in the brain and behaviors that over time allow an individual to break free from porn addiction. This highly effective science and psychology has nothing to do with my beliefs. It is based on 14 years of success in recovery clinics–It works. While everyone’s addiction and recovery is different, we find that our program helps virtually everyone, regardless of their religious background, beliefs, etc. Our Coaches will tell you that they are helping Students from all walks of life and from many places in the world–Christians, Buddhists, Hindus, Atheists, teachers, police, clergy, counselors, CEOs, politicians, business owners, college students, husbands, fathers, singles—and the list goes on and on.
The point is, we all are part of one human family, and when we find ourselves suffering under the heavy burden of addiction, we must set aside our differences and find the common ground we need to help each other break free and move on to happy, successful live.
John, thank you for being the opened minded, evolved person that can see all of this.
Ken
March 31, 2009 • 4:43 pm
I have just finished up with the mini-course for Candeo. It has helped me greatly. Some of the things I have read seem to be based on marriages. I am not married. I am single and have a good female friend who someday I would like to have more serious of a relationship with later on. Porn destroys that for me. I can’t even be real with myself and others. I feel like I am caught in a constant lie and constantly lying to people or not saying anything to anyone. How would you say that to anyone without shame and scaring someone away? THIS is the 1st program that had to do with porn I actually believed in and believing that it will help me. I do agree with most of what Mark has to say as well. I am also a non Christian. I just want to be happy, instead of always being unhappy with myself, my lies, my constant hiding and in my relationships with others. I have gained great help from Mark myself. Thank you.
Jon
April 4, 2009 • 8:07 am
I couldn’t agree more with everything that Mark has said about porn. It is truly a self-indulgent vice that eats you up slowly. I would like to ask Mark’s opinion regarding the use of filtering and accountability softwares. Do you think it’s enough?
Mark Kastleman
April 4, 2009 • 10:24 pm
Jon:
While I don’t believe that filters and accountability software are sufficient to break someone out of addiction, they can be a valuable part of the overall recovery process. Because pornography is a “chemical addiction,” over time, it radically alters brain circuitry and chemistry. When an individual tries to break out of porn use, as with traditional drug addictions, there is a withdrawal period, where the brain craves the neuro-chemical release triggered by porn viewing. It takes time for the brain to return to normal levels. During this time it can be very difficult for the individual to stay away from pornography. This is where a filter can be very useful. The individual asks someone trustworthy to be the administrator of the filter and that person is the only one holds the override password. This gives the addict a chance to “dry out” as it were. The challenge with filters is that they are not a permanent, nor complete solution for recovery. A filter simply sets up a controlled environment where porn is not accessible. However, this does nothing to give the addict the tools and skills he needs to break free. What happens when he finds himself in front of an “unprotected computer”? Often just being in this unprotected environment will trigger a relapse. So, a filter is only a temporary solution that allows an individual to become “sober.” At the same time, and continuing into the future, the individual must focus on developing the skills to be able to face sexual temptation and deal with it in a healthy way. If recovery is approached effectively, the individual can get to the point where he can use the Internet without a filter, and not seek out pornography. This is the total focus of the Candeo program–teaching life-skills that allow a person to function normally in a sexualized society.
I do like accountability software as a more long-term solution, because it allows the individual to access the full internet, but it also gives him support people to “look over his shoulder” and come to his aide if he starts to slip back into addiction. They can say, “Hey, I noticed that you were surfing to some sites last night. Let me help you assess what went wrong–what lead up to your slip and how you can learn from it and start moving forward again.” When done right, accountability software is not a “policing–big brother” type approach, but rather a very open, supportive, non-judgmental tool where the recovering person has others to lean on and get help to keep moving forward. And often, if someone we really respect and care about, and who we know cares about us, is aware of our Internet surfing, just knowing they are there can give us the strength we need to choose not to seek out porn.
The bottom line is that these software tools are only a small part of the recovery process. The most important components to recovery are those that help us receive the knowledge, training, tools, skills and practice on a daily basis that shrink addiction circuitry in the brain, establish and build healthy circuitry, and start us on the path to making healthy choices that replace our destructive choices and habits. Over time, these new healthy choices become habits–they become dominant and replace the addiction, literally “building a new brain” that no longer craves pornography.
Chris
April 9, 2009 • 7:10 am
I really appreciate this article. First of all, it is wonderful that someone is speaking out so loudly. I hope that this is available to anyone on the internet who search for this topic.
Secondly, the metaphor of the seas is awesome. I have, in the past, thought about porn addiction and the selfishness of it. However, it has only been in the past few weeks that I have been able to see and grasp the depth of that. God has been showing me the abundance of selfishness in my life. Last week I was at a vow renewal service and the pastor read I Corinthians 13, the love passage. I was thinking wow, I do the things love does not do and don’t do the things love does do. I need to learn how to love!
Thank you for this article, and even more for the recovery program itself. The free keys have been a great help and as soon as I have the money I will be in the program.
help
April 11, 2009 • 1:14 pm
How do I use a password protected filter and where can I get some accountability software?
Molly Hansen
April 11, 2009 • 8:28 pm
help,
Candeo recommends using Covenant Eyes for accountability software and Net Nanny for a password protected filter.
Recovering
April 16, 2009 • 9:49 am
Porn has had a grip on me for over 10 years. I am 20 years old and this article and the whole website is a blessing to anyone Christian or not..pray for me and my life..and thank God for his grace and mercy, without of we would all be in a very very bad place.
kellum
April 24, 2009 • 3:56 pm
thanks for this article. im another non-believer but i agree with everything else written.i sometimes have a hard time explaining my stance to people when the feel porn is so natural, and so many use the censorship/free speech excuse. im a single female. a feminist as well, and i find it very hard and very lonely in trying to find a truly good man with views like these.
Anonymous
April 25, 2009 • 5:15 am
Bless you Recovering,
I too am going through it. I pray for the both of us. Not only porn is addictive, it also has viruses to computers if you download it. Mental and hardware viruses.
G
April 26, 2009 • 8:34 am
Dr. Mark
thanks for all your advice and good will.
I really appreciate your efforts. Why sometimes we fall in watch this
bad stuff in the internet?? (it is pure addiction or there is some spirituality things involved??).
Please, put me in your prays.
G
Healthy Diet
April 30, 2009 • 1:15 pm
Hi, good post. I have been wondering about this issue,so thanks for sharing. I will definitely be coming back to your site.
Gus (Europe)
May 4, 2009 • 8:41 am
Hi Mark!
I also want to thank you. I finished your mini course, enen downloaded it and listen to it when driving. I feel there is hope now but shockingly discovered that I still fell back. Feeling extremely frustrated today I wonder about signing up to your full program.
But first I would like to know if you are going to publish a book with your insights, exercises, … . I would so much prefer to just read a book.
Thanks for your answer!
mottu
May 5, 2009 • 12:21 am
Hi Sir!
I am 16 years old and addicted to porn and masturbation.I am in grade 11 and i have been masturbating since i was in grade 7.I searched all over the internet for solution to break this habit….i got all sort of advice like
1-dont be alone
2-use filters
3-when u get urges go out of the house n so on
But all these didnt work then one day i found your site and when i got your free report I FELT LIKE YOU KNEW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME , HOW I THINK , WHAT I DO , HOW IT HAPPENS , ALL THE THINKING IN MY MIND ….and i was AMAZED!!…..MY PROBLEM is that i cant really buy your system because am only 16 and if i tell my dad he gonna beat the hell outta me.
SO PLEASE SIR CAN U GIVE ME SOME REALLY EFFECTIVE TIPS TO STOP MY PORNOGRAPHY AND MASTURBATION ADDICTION. ( i dont even know y i masturbate its like comes up in my mind and says HEY YOU GOTTA WATCH PORN and its hard to resist it)
PLEASE HELP ME BEFORE I SELF DESTRUCT
xh
January 4, 2010 • 3:37 am
I pray. I play guitar. I try to b around people. Having a job helps me.I read a meditation book with a friend suffering from this everyday. I try ti exercise and eat right. I try to stay accountable. I try to stay honest. I call people some times b4 I act out. Good luck. Stay alive. Its like were in vietnam on our homefront. But the enemy is ourselfs and the trigger isn’t on a gun, its on a computer mouse.
william
December 31, 2010 • 6:23 am
i just received an ipod for christmas.its a great little tool and have listened to several of your free podcasts.it seems there is always some new technology to get a fix.what suggestions or recommendations do you have for safety with the ipod. i cannot delete safari or if i disable it i am able to turn it on again as i am the only who knows the password? there are no boundaries with the ipod. if i have to set it aside i will. your podcasts have been a great help thank you.