You are here: Blog » Brain Science of Addiction » Porn is a Marriage Killer
Written by Mark Kastleman on December 20, 2009 in Brain Science of Addiction, Most Popular, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - 25 Comments
Pornography addiction. It just didn’t sound like a real thing. People are addicted to drugs or alcohol or something else. But pornography? I didn’t even know it was possible to have a pornography addiction.
This is a common misperception. Pornography is often portrayed as harmless, maybe even part of a healthy sex life. Hollywood and the media want you to believe porn is good and safe because they make hundreds of millions of dollars perpetuating the myth.
Over the last 5 years the amount of pornography available on the Internet has grown exponentially. Increased Internet pornography equals increased online pornography addiction.
That’s right, it can become an addiction and you may not even know it’s happening. It’s normal to become aroused when viewing pornography. The brain triggers the release of chemicals when arousal occurs. These chemicals can produce feelings of intoxication and heightened senses. In a normal, healthy relationship, these naturally occurring “drugs” bond man to woman in a beautiful, healthy sexual relationship. But, when a man views pornography, these chemicals can bond him to unhealthy fantasies, which often lead to Internet pornography addiction, which is seemingly impossible to break. Porn is a marriage killer.
I was in a cycle and it hit me before I knew what was happening. I just started with a tiny bit of porn to see what the fuss was all about. Early on I didn’t even know where I would find porn on the Internet. I found really hard-core sites in no time.
I had never, ever, looked at porn before. That sounds a little like I’m a boy scout, pure and innocent. But it’s true. I’d just never seen any of it before. That’s probably why it hit me like a ton of bricks.
It’s true that many people look at porn without becoming addicted, but millions of people do become addicted. It’s a dangerous road to travel. Online pornography addiction is rampant in our culture and it leaves marriages and personal relationships on a scrap heap. And from the rubble come men, women, and couples all desperately looking for ways to break the pornography addiction trap. Is there help? Is there a cure?
Holy cow, I couldn’t believe the pull and the power of it. I couldn’t think about anything else. My wife still expected me to continue being intimate with her but I got to the point where I was only thinking about the stuff I’d seen. I stopped making love to her and started acting out my fantasies. Porn was killing my marriage.
She totally figured out what was going on. One day she said “you’re asking me to be someone I’ll never be.” And she asked, “What’s going on? What in the world have you been looking at?
I denied anything was wrong but she saw right through me. Right then and there she kicked me out of the bedroom. No warning. Bam, out to the couch. We don’t have kids yet so I just became a couch sleeper while we worked out a solution.
Our conversations were, “Is there some way to stop a pornography addiction?” Or “is there some way to cure a pornography addiction?”
When it occurs to individuals that they need pornography addiction help, many of them stay away from their computer. They stop using the Internet thinking it;s the enemy that caused them to view porn. The fact is that Candeo’s revolutionary Pornography Addiction Recovery program is online and completely anonymous. The Internet facilitated your porn addiction. The Internet can likewise help you overcome your Internet pornography addiction with powerful “Face it and Replace it” techniques.
So, this was amazing to me. First I didn’t know I had an internet pornography addiction and then we found out there was really such a thing as a real pornography addiction recovery program. Candeo literally is helping us put our marriage back together. The first thing it did was show me how simple it was to become addicted. Understanding the brain science of it all made so much sense to me and my wife.
Candeo’s simple, clear, concise program teaches individuals the nature of their Internet pornography addiction, the power this addiction can have, and how to put lives back together. It’s a training room that is private, anonymous and far and away the only thing like it.
If you’ve been longing for a way to stop your pornography addiction and take control of your life, take a few moments to review the Candeo program. The free Candeo mini-courses will give you a glimpse into this highly effective program to overcome your pornography addiction.
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tori
July 2, 2010 • 9:55 am
My husband and I just had our 3 year anniversary, and 3 days before I found out that he was looking at porn for the second time in 6 months. I don’t know what to do I am at a point where i’m ready to call it quits, he swore on my babies lives and mine that he wasn’t doing it and of course he was. The only reason I think i’m trying to save my marriage is because of my two children and I am worried about my son he has a rare syndrome and no arms and I know how it feels to grow up without a dad and don’t want that for my babies. We need help.
carla gail smith
July 6, 2010 • 8:28 am
I’ve been married 19 years and thought my husband had always been faithful to me.
And then I lookeed at computer history and my husband had been on these porn sites
He promised he wouldn’t do it anymore but he has. Now I figured it out shortly after we were
Married he lost interest in me. I was so busy with the kids that I thought sex once a week was normal
But now I know that I wasn’t enough for him any more. He loves me and I love him but I can’t live like this.
The past year and half has been terrible. I just want to leave but he loves me so good that he doesn’t want to consider it.
What do I do.
carla gail smith
July 6, 2010 • 8:38 am
I’m so sorry for what u are going through. I know how bad it hurts.
And it is harder to handle when u have children to consider. I’m going through the same thing.
The only thing I recomend is get close to God spend every minute listen to or readingg studying his word.
I’m not sure what’s going on with me but God gets me through each day is God. And more time I spend with God
The more my husband acts like he loves me. So maybe God is the only thing that can change is heart.
I will pray for u and u please pray for me. Focus on God and let him take care of the rest
Lou
July 7, 2010 • 2:45 pm
Hi, i’m 17 years old and live with my parents who are married. I never thought my dad looked at porn, he really doesn’t seem the type.
But a few months back I found a word document open which had titles of short porn videos which were on the web which he had set to watch later. I was sickened but I soon forgot about it, until very recently when I saw a porn website come up on his Mozilla firefox history (it comes up when you type something into the address bar)
I was suddenly very aware and began to worry. On Monday night 5th July, I went out my room at 11pm and my parents had gone to bed an hour earlier, but i heard my dad downstairs on the computer, and I was convinced he was watching porn. I checked his history the next morning and he had visited loads of porn websites whilst my mum was upstairs sleeping. It made me think about if they did have sex often, and if not, why not? I can’t stop worrying about it and I can’t look at him without thinking about it. I know i’ll get over it but at the moment, I can’t relax around him.
same here
July 8, 2010 • 5:02 pm
we’ve been married 5 yrs and have 2 kids. i mistakenly used his computer to view youtube and something else popped up. a quick history check confirmed my suspissions. i’m sick to my stomach about this. we’re young and it’s not like *i* dont want sex. in fact, im the one always asking and he turns me down. figures he prefers his hand over me and he shuts me off if i try to talk to him about it. porn is ruining my marriage.
mel
July 26, 2010 • 11:10 pm
Wow- I am truly sorry to say that I am actually releived that I am not going through this alone. We have been married for 5 years and we have a set of b/g twins that are 2 years old. After giving birth, I worked my tail off so that I would look good for my husband. We were in a store shortly after I had given birth and he pointed to a cardboard model of a girl wearing a sexy night gown and he said, “baby- if you look like that I will have sex with you every night” 6 months later I looked like that- and he still turns me down. He looks at porn 3-5 nights out of the week. He promised to stop looking at it and he doesn’t know that I know that he is still looking at it. I want to leave him but am afraid of so many things- how it will effect my children, how will it hurt my credit score if we have to do a short sale on our home….and then I think, maybe this is normal. I just can’t accept it. When we had our original argument about this, he blamed me. Said that he doesnt feel like he knows me anymore and that it’s my fault that he rejects me for porn. he claims he doesn’t have an addiction, but he can’t stop looking at it. I’m hurt and am finding myself on the verge of soaking up the attention that I get from other men.
in recovery
July 30, 2010 • 7:02 am
My wife finally found out about my long term porn addiction this past february. It was devastating to her. She initially threatened to leave me but opted to give me one more chance mainly because we have 5 young kids. I had first started with it as a teen, shortly after seeing my father openly looking at dirty magazines right in the living room when I was about 13 or so. In my opinion, this stuff is potential poison, especially for adolescent kids. Just like some kids will have a beer at that age and not become alcoholics, perhaps there are some who see porn at that age and are unaffected by it. However, it is like playing russian roulette and I became addicted.
Since February, I have completed counselling and my wife and i are still together. She cannot bring herself to forgive me yet, but we are hanging in there and still trying to slowly rebuild. It will be along road, probably years, with many ups and downs. I have not committed this sin again since swearing to my wife that i would stop. I love her so much and am heartbroken by how selfish and blind I was, and by how much pain i have caused her. She was always good enough for me, but I was so distracted by my addiction that I could not always see how precious a gift she was in my life.
In counselling, I read that there are 3 factors that seem to consistently show up in porn addicts: feeling of worthlessness at a young age, difficulty making normal social connections as a child, and father issues also as a child. Bingo on all 3 for me. As an adult, I made the choices to keep doing it and i have to take full responsibility for my actions. Deep inside, I wonder if I ever would have even started, had I not been exposed to it right at home from such a young age.
I feel that selfishness is a major factor in adult addiction to porn. Instant gratification. I wanted that rush whenver I was feeling anxious, bored, depressed, nervous, pissed off, whatever. Instead of confronting these feelings, I could just cover them up for a few minutes. I knew it would hurt my wife if she found out, but I never stopped to really think about that. I did not stop to think about the depth of pain and anguish she would feel, the sense of loss and heartbreak. Selfish, selfish, selfish. I always felt filthy and disgusted afterwards, and swore it off a million times (it seems) after doing it. But I always started up again a while later. The lying is a big part of it also. One of my big lies was ” I’ll have to do it until I get sick of it, then I’ll quit.” another was, ” Ok, one last time and then it’s goodby porn, I’ll quit after one last time.” It was just a vicious cycle though. The more I did, the lower my self esteem went, then i would just do it again to make that pain go away (temporarily) and on and on. To truly repent and make amends, these issues have to be faced head on. I had to be forced to admit it openly, out loud. I had to face the destruction of my family to move me off my butt and get the help I should have gotten years ago.
To those reading this, don’t give up, you can beat it. Also, to those hurt by it, your family members who are addicted have to face the consequences of their actions. They need your support and love to get thru it. But they must come clean 100%. Don’t make excuses for them. Porn is not normal. It is degrading and soul killing. Better they feel the pain of what they have caused and fix it now, than face eternal punishment in the next life. Demand that they repent and address the reasons they started using in the first place. Please pray for my wife and I , that we eventually can completely heal and once again share Gods love fully.
Mara
August 8, 2010 • 9:58 pm
My husband and I have watched porn occationally since we started dating. It was a new thing to me, and made things exciting since it was so tabu. Since then, we had agreed that we only do that together, never alone. This was something that was soppsed to strengthen our relationship. Guess i didn’t realize that the face he had around 30 DVD’s of porn before we even met, might become a problem. We juat celebrated our 2 year anniversary today, and he once again was caught watching porn and masterbating while a was asleep next to him last night. I am tired of his excuses. Tired of his apologies. Tired of his addiction. I’m just tired.
naomi
August 20, 2010 • 12:09 am
oh my gosh. I thought i was the only one going through this problem. My husband and i have been married now for a year but have been together for 8 years. he has a major problem with porn. He wont pay any attention to me. Im craving for affection and ive told him that. but no matter what i say it doesn’t change anything. He would sit there and watch porn behind my back but when i’ve tried to get him interested. Im feeling so down about myself. I keep saying to myself im not pretty enough or sexy enough. Im not sure how much longer i can cope. I even find gay porn. that upsets me the most.
corinne
August 25, 2010 • 9:17 am
My husband is addicted to porn. He sits up all hours of the night watching it and downloading it on the computer. He was on it for 6 hours straight once. I cant handle it anymore he never pays any attention to me, i feel lonely and despressed. At first it wasnt that big of a problem but now its a constant thing. Hes never gonna stop. Its ruining our marriage. I dont no what to do all we do is fuss about it all the time. I feel like he doesn’t love me or he wouldnt have to look at other women all the time. What do i do?
Kathie
August 26, 2010 • 2:54 pm
My husband has been playing with porn on the internet from the time we got our first computer 13 years ago. I had suspected,and asked him what he was up to,since our sex life was no longer of interest to him. I was lied to for 13 years.In the beginning he said ‘I looked to see what all the hype was about,but it’s not for me” Well my sex life ended when the internet came into our lives. I have blamed myself and compared myself to other women,watching to see what he wants,and what I lack. Yesterday morning I went to the computer to find,he had not erased the history. He has now erased ours. I have been living a faithful lonely marriage based on lies,I feel like a fool. I know in my heart I will heal in time,I am a beautiful person,and a beautiful woman. My husband feels like an old fool,and I agree with him. I am getting on with my life as of yesterday and I wish him all the best in his own healing
Adele
September 7, 2010 • 4:48 am
I can’t believe I’m not the only one with this problem. I typed in ‘porn addiction’ on the internet just on the off chance that it MAY be a problem and I was suprised to find out that it IS.
I’ve always known my husband liked porn pretty much since we met. I’d find the odd DVD or video on his mobile phone but it’s since having a computer his addiction has become what I deem to be too much. He seems to go on porn websites pretty much every day. I also wouldn’t be suprised if he’s goes on the internet on his mobile phone when he’s at work. It’s ruined our sex life, not only do I not look like the girls he’s looking at but I definately have no desire to do the things that they’re doing. I’d be naive if I thought a man never looked at this stuff but the fact he’s done it so many times straight after we’ve had sex is what really upset me. It made me feel like if I can’t satisfy him then why should I bother. We do have sex maybe once a week but I never initiate it because he’s totally ruined my confidence and made me feel like the least attractive woman ever! I’ve also noticed his habits changing in the fact that he used to say he’s ‘going for a bath’ take the laptop with him and lock himself in the bathroom but now he does it anywhere in the house maybe in the living room (with the curtains open) or in the dining room. I’m thinking that he’s maybe getting more of a kick at the risk of getting caught. I came home the other day – with my dad a few steps behind me and my husband was pleasuring himself in the kitchen when I walked in. He thinks I didn’t know what he was doing but I was so livid. The final thing that makes me most angry is the fact that we have a baby and he seems to put his porn needs before our baby’s. If I pop out for maybe 1 hour, I know instead of looking after our son, he goes straight onto the internet. It makes me sick to my stomach. I’ve written my husband loads of letters but never given him any. I know if I confront him about it, he’ll just become cleverer at hiding it. I’ve been monitoring him for years so I know there’s definately a problem. Apart from this, he’s a great person, loving, supportive and a good provider. I’ve taken just as much as I can though and because it’s such an embarrasing problem I’ve got no-one to turn to.
Adele
September 15, 2010 • 2:29 am
Until I dare approach this subject with my husband, I need to use this as a form of release for me. At the moment I’m struggling to understand why (after knowing about my husbands porn addiction for years) all of a sudden, I just can’t take it anymore. It’s almost as if each time I’ve found out he’s been using it (especially when he should be with our son, should be getting on with his job at work or after we’ve had sex) it’s like he’s taken a piece of me, and without realising, it’s as if I’m empty now and there’s nothing left to take. He tried to make love to me the other day and I felt like I just froze and I couldn’t do it. I’m pushing him away and making him feel unloved which I don’t want to do because that’s how he’s made me feel and I wouldn’t wish that on him because I know how awful it is. But at the same time, I don’t want him to feel like I’m just being horrible, I need him to know that this is his fault and he’s the one that’s pushed me away. I can’t sleep anymore, it’s not just affecting me mentally but physically too. Last night I lay in bed worrying about it and almost felt weighed down by my own body. I felt like I had quadrupled in size and was suffocating under my own weight. I just don’t know how we can get through this. I love 99% of my husband more than anything in the world and would never want to be without him yet this 1% which I can’t stand is threatening to jeapodise our relationship to the point where there’s no return. I can’t think about anything else. If he gets home before me, I’m filled with dread at the thought of walking into the house especially if I’m with my family or friends because I know he will be masturbating somewhere in the house. It’s the same if I’ve spent alot of time upstairs with our son, I hear him pull one of the curtains and know what he’s up to so I daren’t come downstairs until I can be sure he’s finished. I shouldn’t have to live my life like this, it’s not normal. I’ve started to question everything now. Is this addiction going to make him become immune to hardcore images and make him go down a more seedy path? Could it lead him to look at child porn? Is it his mums fault – has it been a result of something that happened in his childhood? It’s like my life has turned into a nightmare. I want the man I fell in love with 11 years ago back. I don’t want us to split up over this and I’ve read some success stories on these websites and hope that will apply to us. I know nothing can be done until I have the courage to tell him, I’m dreading the embarrassing, horrible, upsetting conversation that we will need to have but I can’t possibly hold it in much longer so I know it won’t be long before the truth comes out.
Helen
October 4, 2010 • 6:46 am
Like so many of you I felt I was all alone at first. And later on I started getting so angry at any and every man. I became super observant. I became suspicious of everything. Things that is supposed to be normal for a man- like looking at a beautiful woman – isn’t normal anymore, because I don’t know if he’s undressing her in his mind or what he’s doing. I am one of very few woman who loved to have sex. I was usually the one initiating it, but my confidence is so low now that I don’t even like sex anymore. I feel empty and yet so heavy at the same time. I don’t know if this ever will stop! My husband of 4 years is so in denial that and so nasty that I just don’t have any life left in me. He’s attitude against me changed so heavily. It’s as if he pushes all the anger that he has for himself (or at least is supposed to have for himself) on me. I can’t take it anymore. We were gonna start having kids, cause things were going so well for a while because he made me believe I was the one with the problem to not believe him. Then he finally admitted he looked at porn about 4 times the last year again. It devestated me. We aren’t having kids anymore. I can’t have kids with someone that lies to me. And he blames me for not believing that he’s the best husband he possibly can and ever will be. Am I the one at fault?! Am I ruining our marriage becuase I can’t get over what he’s done and becuase I don’t feel it’s good enough that he can still whatch porn every now and then as long as he tries?. He wants a divorce. I don’t know what to do! I love him so much, but he doesn’t believe I love him. I’m just so hurt. So screwd up
vicki
October 5, 2010 • 5:01 pm
It’s not your fault! They try to redirect the blaim to avoid confrontation. Trust me, been there done that. He went to a therapist for hypnosis , didn’t work he just stopped going and continues with his porn problem. I feel so sorry for all of you to go through this as i have and continue to. I have no hope that things will ever change as we have played this broken record to many times. I am his second wife as the first went through the same problems with him. I believe they wont change ,just find better ways to hide it. They must first have the desire for change , without that you have nothing. My marriage is over and i accept it now , and just go through the motions day to day for my children sex for us is no more. He disgusts me in that department. Don’t ever blame yourself, let them wallow in self pity be strong for yourself and your children.
me
October 6, 2010 • 8:07 pm
I have been married for 15 years to a man that is addicted to porn and I HATE IT!! We have been in counseling for 4 months now because I thought that it was my fault and that I wasn’t good enough. I’m still not sure if I am going to stay married to him. He finally admitted that its an addiction and that he would try to stop (he has said that before). What I have learned through therapy is that my husband is emotionally detached from everything and everyone..he doesn’t have many friends, he is an introvert and would feel more comfortable in a room of 500 then a room of 5..because he would have to engage in conversation in an intimate setting. When he watches porn, he doesn’t have to be emotionally involved with any of the women he is looking at…its safe for him. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me or that he’s not attracted to me and it has taken a long time to learn that. Its just safe for him and its how he deals with stress and his anxiety. He doesn’t have to think or feel pressure to please anyone but himself (yes that’s very selfish…that’s an addict) So, now that he finally admitted that its (his) problem and not mine..I need to make the decision to stay with him through his recovery or not. He hasn’t made the choice to recover though…he’s still in the stage of promises to stop and hoping that “i will get over it”. The bottom line is….Ladies!!! your husbands addiction has NOTHING to do with you. Its HIS problem and HIS addiction. You have choices and they are difficult to make especially if you have children. I have chosen to learn as much information about this addiction that I can and continue therapy with him and I hope to help him recover but everyone deserves to have a spouse that is emotionally, physically and spiritually available. I know I deserve it. Good luck to all
KP
October 15, 2010 • 6:59 pm
I see myself and my experiences reflected in so many of your posts. I am truly thankful for reading them. Porn addiction has haunted me for over 15 years. It started small enough but I lost control of myself and the toll has been steep. I have lied to my partners, led a double life of secrecy to feed it and spent many days so depressed to the point of near suicide over it I shudder to think about it at all. I was with a great and loving woman for nearly 9 years and porn played a role in alienating me from her. I believe my double life and the isolation and deception of myself and of her effectively laid the ground work for our split and porn was there at the root of it. I found myself compelled to indulge in porn and feed that dragon. It took that loss and the problems porn brought to my next relationship to finally wake me up.
I had to face myself and this addiction. I had to look at myself in that mirror and it was that I wouldn’t or couldn’t deal with issues that were at the root of this porn problem. I don’t know about others and I hesitate to speak in sweeping statements but I feel that all people who are involved in porn addiction are in pain. It starts with yourself and then the wreckage spreads to the people who you love. The problems that flow from the porn begin to spill over into other areas of your life and that just reinforces what got you trapped in the first place. You desperately try and compartmentalize it, hide it and yet it starts compounding the problems and deepening them until you feel even more crushed than before and now you have a cycle. This is at least what I feel I put myself into, or at least that is my rationalization of the events.
It shames me to realize it but as with any addiction a person sometimes has to hit the wall. No amount of confrontation or screaming or crying stopped me. I knew that I was hurting people I loved and yet I still continued. My regret is not centered on myself, though I do have it, my regret is where my addiction hurt the women I loved. At least for my part that is what is hard to convey. I found myself doing things I deeply detested- the lying, the hiding, etc. I felt compelled to continue and I stayed in this zombie like state for years and this self hate just fed my compulsion. I had to face it that I had become a porn junkie and much of my life was a facade in service to that fact and let me tell you that realization laid me really low but it was what put me on a path to try and wrestle myself away from it.
Selah
October 24, 2010 • 8:41 pm
Is there a private place that spouses of porn addicts can post? I’m sure my husband is coming here for help, finally…but I’m struggling to deal w/ his addiction and don’t want him reading what I say when reaching out for support here. Ifnot here, is there another site you would recommend?
Candeo Team
October 24, 2010 • 8:48 pm
Yes, our platform has separate forums for those addicted and for the spouses, parents, and other support people–This provides for a private way for spouses to communicate with and strengthen each other. Once your Husband signs up, he can invite you as a support person where you can receive trainings and resources to help you deal with some of the struggles associated with have an addicted spouse. The forums are just one tool, but many spouses on our program say they are very helpful.
Renee
October 28, 2010 • 3:41 pm
I have been married for 5 years and my husband has been watching porn since he was 18. (Since we began dating.) When I finally caught him was when we got smart phones from t-mobile and I looked at his history and it sent me into a very depressing stage. I was 6 months pregnant with our son and I went into preterm labor plus had a blood transfusion to keep the baby alive inside the womb. While I laid in the hospital my husband was at home watching porn every hour on a daily basis. I have tried talking to him but he says that I have nothing to worry about. I’m at wits end about the whole thing and just pack up and leave with the kids…but something is telling me to stay and work it out. How much does it cost for the Candeo program?
Steve Wells
October 29, 2010 • 12:18 pm
The Candeo Program is subscription based and costs $47 per month with a 6 month commitment. We also offer a 30-day Money Back Guarantee, so if you don’t find our program helpful, you can get a full refund if you cancel within 30 days of signing up.
Michelle
December 9, 2010 • 9:07 pm
OH MY GOD! Thank you, all of you for your posts. I just found out recently that my boyfriend has a porn addiction, and has had it for over 20 years! I’ve been dating him for less than 6 months, and for the first couple, no sex at all. I thought it odd, however, he brushed it off and said I had to learn how to have a relationship that was not based on sex. Hmm, ok i thought. So as time has gone by, we never have sex unless he wakes up with a ____ and theres no romance at 3:30 in the morning (his am wake up time for work). I tried several times to initiate sex, afterall, he gets out of work at 1:30 and we have all day and night (or so I thought). NOTHING!! I may not be a supermodel, but I feel very good about myself in neglegea. One day he came home from work and I surprised him……and nope….nothing…. I felt so rejected!! I started feelling something in my gut wasn’t right. I thought “is he gay”? I confronted him on that, and well he wasn’t so happy about that and convinced me he wasn’t. Long story short, I HAD to share with someone!! So I opened up to a close female confidant. The first words out of her mouth was “He has a pornography addiction”. I said, no, not him, I’ve never even seen him look at porn ever. Plus he’s not the type. Boy, was I stupid! She was right on target. Every single post on this site has a piece of me in it, and It’s nice not to feel ALONE, but it doesn’t help or even come near the pain that it has caused me in ONLY a short period of time. Yes yes yes, he’s done it all, hides in bathrooms all over the house for long periods, and every other thing you all posted. My Gosh. he did admit it and I know it was difficult, but the only thing I can think of is “GETTING RID OF THE COMPUTER”!! But then he’d just find another way or computer. I thought I had finally found the love of my life….as he is gentle, kind hearted, generous, funny and we have alot in common. We were talking about marriage. Oh and I do not have any children, but atop ALL THIS SHOCK I found out right after he admitted his addiction (which he said its done for good-pronto)yea that I am pregnant. Obviously, it was clearly a shock to me, as we rarely had sex. I am overwhelmed but I want this baby and as for him, he is going to have to GET help. I’m scared. I was semi-living with him, and on this past Tuesday, following the news, I headed back to my town/home. I texted him tonight and let him know “I need to talk tomorrow”. I told him I didn’t want to do it over the phone. I’m already so emotional, and I just can’t stop crying. I will keep all of you in my prayers and please do the same for me. It reallly does make me feel less than a woman, being rejected all the time while he says that I’m just a sex addict???? WHAT ???? oxymoron, excuse me who is the addict? I don’t know if i’m more hurt or angry??? Ok I’ll shut up now….. I pray we all get thru this …….
maureen
February 9, 2011 • 1:00 am
i have been married 21 this may and still cant get my head around this porn, 2 days ago i found he had been on websites and dating sites omg, my children have grown up now, but its got to the point do i ask him to go, my sons father hit me and slept about, then i married my husband who when i had 4 kids under 7yr old, twins being youngest at 6 months, slept with a woman and hed only been working away 1 month, then 6 months after my dad died in 01 he left me again for yet another woman, and now this? not sure if im with him for the right reasons any more? can some one please help me, as this porn and his dating sites are totally killing me now.
molly
February 22, 2011 • 11:20 pm
The part I can’t get over is the anger and the hurt. I don’t care if he says it’s not about me, it still hurts me. I’m mad at him for putting me through this. I’m here for him and I listen to him talk but inside I am just so angry that I have to go through this. I was sexually abused as a kid and now this…Is there even such a thing as a decent guy out there? I think 99% of him is amazing but this part of him kills me inside. Why do I have to deal with this? Why do I have to be the bigger person? Why does he get to do something that hurts me so badly. I know it’s not about me. I know I’m amazing. Yet, it still hurts every time. I shouldn’t have to deal with this at all.
MarkH
February 23, 2011 • 9:40 am
Molly – Our program does have support directed specifically towards spouses, but you should also know that we are working hard to increase that support, education, and training to deal with sexual addiction from your perspective as the spouse. We also know that a lot of times it’s more difficult for the wife for the exact reasons you shared here. If your husband or yourself do not have access to the spouse support within our program, we have also put together a series of podcasts speaking directly towards spouses. You can find in on iTunes by searching for Candeo in the iTunes store, or you can follow the link here:
http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/candeo-podcast-for-women-its/id308361650
We hope we can be a resource and wish the best for you and your husband.