Porn Makes Men Impotent

Written by on February 19, 2009 in Blog - 46 Comments

common situation we find among men who are regular porn users, is they have increasing difficulty becoming aroused by their spouses. Many men admit that pornography initially helped them get more excited during sex, but the longer they used porn, the more it had the opposite effect. To get aroused during sex, they had to fantasize with the images and scenarios they had viewed in pornography–like acting out a porn script. Some tried to get their spouse to imitate porn stars, because the “same old sex” just didn’t produce the rush. While this is more than enough to seriously damage a relationship, it gets worse.
Like a drug addict, the porn user’s brain habituates and no longer gets high on the fantasy images and kinky sex techniques that once turned him on. So, he seeks different images–more graphic, more variety, harder core, etc. He may try to manipulate his spouse into even more bizarre sex acts. Or, he may simply go through the basic physical motions, but any real intimacy and connection is missing. Eventually, for many porn users, sexual intimacy with a spouse becomes infrequent or abandoned altogether, replaced by the more stimulating rush of their porn drug.
The tragic irony in all of this is that while pornographers boast about pushing the envelope by introducing new, harder themes, what they don’t reveal is that they must do this because their customers build up a tolerance to the content. Thus, over time, the porn user becomes “impotent” in two ways:

1. Getting aroused becomes increasingly difficult without continually altering the pornography diet. For many, arousal with a spouse becomes problematic or even near impossible. It’s very telling when Internet porn sites are filled with ads for Viagra-type drugs to treat impotence, or “erectile dysfunction.” This misleading term implies that these men have a problem with their genitals , but the problem is with a brain and nervous system continually habituating to a powerful drug–always needing more to get the same rush.
2. But erectile dysfunction is only one small part of the “male impotence” brought on by porn use. Far more debilitating is “intimacy impotence” –the increasing inability of the man to connect, bond and truly be”one” with his wife–to enjoy full intimacy which is physical, emotional and spiritual. Instead, he opts for “self-sex” in the company of cold, electronically reproduced fantasy images.

Regardless of the sensational hype of pornography portraying the ultimate “macho stud” surrounded by his swooning sex goddesses, the stark and painful reality–the real truth is pornography makes men impotent!

46 Replies to Porn Makes Men Impotent

  • Alison

    February 26, 2009 • 12:44 pm

    Mark,
    How do you go about rebuilding a marriage relationship if your spouse is addicted to porn and is possibly impotent?

  • February 28, 2009 • 5:39 pm

    Allison:
    When a spouse is hooked on pornography, it dominates and disrupts his life and makes things really tough on his wife and family – whether they know about his addiction or not. The first step is that he needs to have a strong desire to whatever it takes to break free. What makes this hard, is that he can’t do it alone – he has to get help. And in order to get help, he has to disclose his porn use. Many are unwilling to do this because of extreme fear – they fear that if someone learns about their porn use, they will lose that person’s love and respect, and their reputation will be ruined. The individual must let this fear go and simply move forward. Once the individual starts getting help, he should seek advice on how to tell his spouse and involve her as his “Partner” in recovery. That way, she can be educated and trained so she can help him through the recovery steps, but also so she can get through her own legitimate feelings of anger, resentment, betrayal, self-doubt, etc.
    If the recovery process is a “team effort” it can actually help rebuild and restore the marriage relationship in wonderful ways. It takes time, effort and patience on the part of both spouses, but it is definitely worth it. A man can overcome the emotional, intimacy and physical impotence caused by porn use as he stops ingesting porn, gives his brain and nervous system a chance to go through withdrawals and return to normal levels, and allows himself to connect with his wife and enjoy each other emotionally, spiritually and physically in sexual and non-sexual ways. He will find that over time, he is “turned on” by everyday healthy pleasure outlets as simple as holding hands, walking in nature, playing with a child, and so many more. As he stops turning to porn as a way to escape and self-medicate, life itself can become exciting again.

  • dd

    March 23, 2009 • 10:55 am

    Allison/Spouses

    My wife tells me to stop or she will leave me. So obviously she cannot talk to me about it. I feel alone and helpless. Allison, I would urge you to bite your tounge and help your husband. I can only imagine how difficult this might be but I have nobody. The terrible feelings and cycles don’t go away. I spoke with my wife saying I have not looked at pornograpy (a lie) but have been tempted to and wanted to try out this program so I can not be tempted. She warily agreed being suspicious of the truth but asked me to try a counselor she has gone to that helped her overcome her feelings of inadequacy and said she (the counselor) has had success with helping men overcome pornograpy (including the counselor’s husband). I love my wife to the ends of the earth but am envious of those who have supportive wives. I will sign up for this program soon, I think.

    Do not mistake supportive by putting up with (or enabling) this atrocity but look to see if he truly wants to overcome this sick practice and consistently puts forth intense effort. It is easy enough for the addict to give up on himself and even more hopeless when others do as well.

    More on the subject I have not experienced impotence. Maybe my case is not as severe as others. Maybe there is hope.

  • next step?

    March 28, 2009 • 2:10 pm

    My gf has a problem with the extent and triggers of my arousal, so it seems increasingly blausible that I’ve been desensitized and habituated to porn. Refraining from porn is not a challenge as I quit cold turkey when she asked me to oh four months ago, however, becoming normal and basing my arousal on a present-minded loving intimacy is a challenge.

    While I’ve been improving in my physical response through approximating sensate focus therapy both with her and alone (making my fantasies as soft as possible), it’s hard to remain focused in the present while together with her, when I feel nervous it’s easy to try to bring up more fantasy (about her but fantasy nonethelss, which she says makes her feel unseen) to reinforce the arousal.

    Also, she is less willing than I to go to couples counselling even though I think it was her idea, and she also is holding off on starting a real sensate focus therapy programme: She’s afraid that it won’t work, and hence that the relationship will end. So she’s dragging her feet a lot. At the same time she sometimes attacks me viciously verbally and fails to recognize the gains that are made. The vicious attacks really affect my self-esteem and libido.

    While I’m sure the situation is difficult for her, feeling rejected, it’s unfair to me that she attacks me instead of supporting me and recognizing improvements. It also makes me feel ashamed and more anxious to be with her. Especially when this kind of vicious attack from someone close and beloved to whom I’m so vulnerable represents a manifestation of the very fear of hostile rejection which I feel deeply and may relate to the sort of (abject) acceptance I’ve sought in porn, fantasy and relationships. When I feel unfairly attacked and rejected, it’s harder for me to be comfortably vulnerable in the way that I think I need to be to make love with a fully present heart and mind.

    The question is simply, what’s the next step that I can take on my own? A lot of sites relate to quitting porn, but that was not a problem. Few sites suggest anything concrete, which is odd considering I’ve even been able to come up with a couple of real steps myself.

    Any useful suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

  • Mark Kastleman

    March 29, 2009 • 1:23 pm

    Next Step:
    The heart of your challenge is manifest in how you worded your final question: ” . . . what’s the next step that I can take on my own?” Your entire blog comment revolves around your relationship with your girlfriend. Everything you are expressing involves the two of you. You cannot take care of this “on your own.” If you want to remain in the relationship and be successful, you must seek help together, as a couple. Couples counseling is the “next step” that you should take.

  • John

    April 27, 2009 • 6:24 pm

    I have been viewing internet pornography frequently (4 to 5 times a week) for the past 6 years. I am in my mid-20′s and have had a problem getting and maintaining an erection since my late teens when I first started looking at internet porn. I have gone to various GPs down through the years and have always been told that my problem is psychological… though I always doubted that performance anxiety could last so long!!! After researching on the internet it seems that the key to my problem may be porn and I am going to quit my viewing habits altogether. I am just writing to enquire how long, in your opinion, will it take someone to rid themselves of a problem like mine and go onto live a normal seaxually-healthy life.

  • Donna

    September 3, 2009 • 3:42 am

    I am horrified by some of your comments. Take responsibility for your actions. So your wife gets angry. So you think she is unsupportive. Suck it up baby – and keep proving to her that you have stopped,and that you are sorry. You poor sweetheart having suffered with a porn addiction. You should try being on the other end. I lived with one for 10 years. I therefore, was nothing more than a sperm reciprical for 10 years. I only knew that porn was behind it in the last 3. But he couldn’t fix it. He lost his family….while I almost wanted to die.

    You read this, and you think its not you. You think it doesn’t apply to you. Think again. You have no idea how loveless sex, constant lying and loss of finances can destroy a woman’s soul.

    Don’t you dare judge how your wife responds. You make it up to her to your very last days. And if, just if,she can relax and enjoy a normal, loving relationship with you….count yourself blessed.

  • sarah

    November 17, 2009 • 2:27 pm

    I am in a relationship for over a year now and have recently discovered my sweetheats dirty little secret. I want to be supportive, but it seems like this will never go away. To the addicts, honestly, will it ever go away, or will it be more hidden? And what do I do besides be more supportive. I have been and have refrained from nagging. Are there books or steps that you use? He will not go to therapy out of shame.

  • November 18, 2009 • 4:26 pm

    Sarah:
    It is very common for a man struggling with porn addiction to avoid seeking help out of shame. This is one of the primary reasons our clinical psychologists created Candeo’s online recovery training resources–so that individuals could start getting the help they need privately and anonymously. We find that with many of our world-wide “recovery students” our program succeeds in “educating them out of their shame” to the place where they can be much more open and seek help and support from many different sources. So, I highly recommend that your partner immediately begin the Candeo online program and start down the path to recovery and freedom. There are also many resources in the program for you—education, communication with others in your situation, training on how to be a Support Person in your Partner’s recovery–to name a few.

  • Jim

    December 3, 2009 • 9:38 pm

    I watch porn with my girlfriend of eight years here and there. As for me, I’d say once a day. I really don’t see the big deal. Can it become a problem? Sure it can. If it continues to escalate I can see why people would be concerned.

    I don’t think porn is just flat out bad however, and I somewhat take issue with it being purported as such. There are degrees of perversion you know. On the woman’s side, have you talked to your husband/boyfriend’s about what they are into sexually? Have a little fun once in a while. And of course, for the guys, you need to make time to be with your wives. It doesn’t have to be every night, but just hear and there a sensual backrub/footrub wouldn’t hurt. Taking it a little slower.

    Guys have a physical need for sexual release, women don’t. We’re different and that’s OK, but women should not be putting men in a box anymore than men should be putting women in one. Porn can be a great outlet for that release. I guess what I’m trying to understand here is why so much shame?

  • crystal

    December 25, 2009 • 11:21 pm

    I was married for 21 years when I found out my husband became a porn addict in the second year of our marriage. No, I was not in denial, I have been through over two years of therapy since this absolutely awful mess came out, and I did not know. I was very supportive to start, and called a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a minister, and contacted both of our families of origin the next day. I do, despite comments by the gentleman above, have a strong sex drive. I was informed in thirteenth year of our marriage that I wanted way too much sex, every day, and that my husband had a “low sex drive.” He was not impotent and did not have erectile dysfunction at that time. His sex drive was only low in relationship to me. He wanted more time off, so he could get off repeated times with his new toy, internet porn.

    We live in a three story house with a basement, and he had stopped sleeping with me in the seventh year of our marriage, because of his sleep apnea. Such a house, gave him plenty of privacy to be as disgusting as he chose. The house is, of course, mine and is paid for along with the two servant’s quarters, which we rent out. He is a complete and total financial failure, even though he has an MBA. He has been heavily monitored in many ways, phone, GPS, internet tracking, including all business computers, because he works for my family’s business. He has not used porn for over two years as far as we know, but I do not trust him in the least. His entire personality and purported values system was a fraud.

    I feel no pity for him, anymore. He is lazy and amoral and has never developed adult skills. He has also become fat after going off of porn and drugs. Yet, he has the nerve to insult me and blame me, because I do not meet his requirements. I am 5’8″ 120lbs, 36D, black hair, ivory skin, green eyes. All he wants is blond, tan, short teenagers with a minimum of EE breasts. I am divorcing him. We have been through every type of therapy. He is simply not an adult, and is, without normal conscience. He loses his erections, even now, if we try any type of intimacy or bonding exercises. Porn addicts should not be pitied and helped. They should be removed from women’s lives at the first possible opportunity.

  • December 31, 2009 • 8:51 am

    I have been married for 25 years and the first two were sexually satisfying for both me and my husband. We have not had sex now for the last 10 years even though the doctor has prescribed meds and hormones for him. He will not use them as he says he does not have a problem. Well, I DO have a problem. I am angry and feel that i am married to a stranger. Porn offends me and he knows it. I am ready to give up on him as a husband since he is more like a sibling now anyway. But he has become more aggressive verbally, and I attribute this to his pent up frustration. He will not seek counseling as he does not think he has a problem physically or emotionally. I am starting counseling next week. The future does not look good for our relationship. He stays downstairs with the big screen and I stay upstairs, so we really aren’t living together as husband and wife. I would say we are more like distant friends who don’t have much in common except a business and pets. Porn really destroys relationships and should be banned. It is demeaning to women and gives men the wrong impression of what a woman is all about, making women into shallow objects. I truly regret that i have wasted 25 years of my life waiting for him to grow up and get some depth. He is a narcissist, and that means there is no room in his life for anyone but him.

  • January 10, 2010 • 4:24 am

    i look at porn every day and im fine?

  • Bob

    January 26, 2010 • 10:31 am

    I have been addicted to online porn for 13 years, and it has caused me to have consistent erectile dysfunction. I am in a new relationship, and have again experienced ED. I finally had enough and sought help. I’m working with a counselor, and am also taking wellbutrin to help re-wire the hardcoded thoughts of downloading porn. This addiction has been harder to overcome than I ever thought imaginable. It is an insidious one, and to men that are addicted and have ED issues definitely seek any and all help to remove this addiction. It truly does mess with your life, and sucks up countless hours of your life when you can be doing so much more with it.

    Fortunately, my new partner is VERY supportive of me and I’m obviously blessed. I’ve been honest and provided transparency. I’ve started changing my online habits and other patterns, and so far so good. I still have a ways to go, but I feel that I’ve taken the right step.

    But I felt compelled to post here, because online porn IS an addiction and absolutely can cause erectile dysfunction. It definitely affected my previous relationship, and I’m not going to let it ruin my current one. To the women that have had to endure spouses/partners with porn addiction, I’m sorry to hear it and hope that things improve for you, I truly mean that.

    While I’m obviously ashamed of this addiction, at the same time it has been empowering to admit to it and take action to cure this addiction. Thanks for taking the time to read my post, and take care.

  • Ray

    February 1, 2010 • 5:44 am

    I’ve been battling ED for quite some time. Fact is I’m a porn addict and as the tolerance level increases, so does my level of ED. I have been divorced for 12 years and although I have had a number of exciting relationships, whenever there are relationship problems I revert back to porn creating a negative feedback loop. Thus more porn correspondingly increases my ED, negatively impacting my relationships. That’s how I lost my last girlfriend. Reading the posts has lit a lightbulb in my head. I know I have to do something…soon!

  • chiara

    February 18, 2010 • 4:07 am

    far out. Ray, your issue sounds like my ex. do you know what has caused the ED? in the first place i mean. i really agree with the desensitization from porn. there is no intimacy. it truly does become a vicious cycle. a cycle of frustration and release and low self esteem and disconnection. i have used porn myself when he would leave me to probably go and do porn(!).. so crazy when you really think about it. and it stuffed me up too..in that when we met again it would all come into my head.. just felt like there was a huge gap between us filled with a hundred strangers doing it.

  • 'Kelly'

    March 10, 2010 • 4:13 am

    I have been with my partner for 3 and a half years, and only just recently found that he is a porn addict. I knew there was an underlying problem as the sex became less frequent, and he started to tell me what fantasies he would like to carry out with me. When we first started to see each other, we watched porn together. A few months later i didnt need to watch it to have a good time. I just wanted to spend quality time and have great communication with my fiance. But he continued with his explicit desires. Now, unfortunately, we are at breaking point. 2 years ago I had self-harmed (stupid, I know) due to depression, low self-esteem, and feeling unwanted and unloved by my partner. 2 months ago, he swore he would never watch porn again… until recently. I have already told him how I felt about the situation (hence 2 months ago), but to no prevail. I am going out of my mind with worry and continuously blaming myself for what is happening. I just don’t know where to turn or what to do anymore. Especially as when it does come along to us having intimate sex, he seems more disinterested. He has also refused sex many times, and I can’t help but believe that it is entirely my fault.

    I am 23 years old and feel as though I want to do something ‘stupid’ again, all because of him not caring how I feel about the situation and with how he is.

    Please please please help us. I am desperate to rebuild our relationship and get it back on track. I love him more than anything and don’t want to lose him, but we are just falling apart :(

  • Steve

    March 11, 2010 • 12:16 am

    I appreciate the article, Mark. I looked up porn on maybe a weekly basis for several years, but then I took a new job that had me traveling full-time, and all those hotel rooms created a healthy environment for a porn addiction to take root, resulting in a vastly diminished libido (ergo my google search that found this web site). It’s a continuous loop of desire frustrated by lack of performance resulting in a lack of self esteem causing a desire to desire. That makes sense to anyone else with my condition, but unlike most in my condition (at least as far as I can tell), the only impetus I needed to stop looking at porn was one look at a flacid penis. I quit cold turkey, and have absolutely no desire to view porn anymore. Ask me how miserable it is to have a life with no desire for sexual gratification, even the virtual kind.

    I have been married for 21 years to a woman who is still very attractive even by the standards of 21 years ago. My marriage is in jeopardy because of this even though my wife doesn’t know the extent of my issue, which isn’t the only one, surprisingly enough. One of the others is that I’m not a person who is capable of admitting weakness, so I don’t think counseling is an option.

    I have overcome my addiction. My problem is overcoming the consequences of it. Is my lack of sexual performance something that I will overcome with time, or do I have a lifetime of this misery to look forward to? What does the gathered experience suggest?

    Thanks,
    Steve

  • 'Kelly'

    March 11, 2010 • 8:34 am

    Garne -
    That’s where you could be going wrong. My fiance thought he was fine and he could stop watching porn anytime he wanted. He admits how wrong he was about that. He finally came clean after I had my suspicions, and it turns out he’s been battling the addiction for 6 years.

    Do you still think you’ll be fine? My fiance did the eact same thing as you when he started along with MB. I’m the only person he’s ever told about it, as he felt ashamed and ‘dirty’.

    I am going to be with him the whole way, as hard as it gets I believe him enough to get through all of this. Yes, it will take a very long time to gain his trust back, but I have to work just as hard as himself to get the relationship back on track.

    I think that the hardest part may be done – acceptance. Admitting to the addiction is a massive thing for both the addict and spouse.

    I hope you don’t think that I am having a go at you or anything like that… I am just openly saying to you that it could possibly be a sign that you may also be an addict yourself. Try seeing how you go on without any form of porn whatsoever in your home and seee how long you can go without it for.

  • March 11, 2010 • 10:26 am

    Steve:
    Yes, you can reclaim healthy sexuality but it takes time. Repeated Involvement with pornography and other sexual outlets alters your dopamine receptors and others circuitry in the brain. But, just as repetition of unhealthy sexual behaviors has brought about these changes, consistent repetition of healthy behaviors can reverse these changes and build healthy circuitry. Rather than placing all of your focus on “sexual performance,” work on the many expressions of intimacy that are outside the bedroom–little courtesies and acts of kindness; little “non-sexual” expressions of affection; small acts of service around the home; and many more. Become your wife’s very best friend; court her, serve her; get close to her in every way. Talk, share, have fun together—build your non-sexual relationship and over time the physical intimacy part will be rekindled and take care of itself. Be patient and be loyal to her–stay with it for as long as it takes, and then make your “holistic” relationship a way of life.

  • Steve

    March 11, 2010 • 5:57 pm

    Thanks so much, Mark. That sounds like good advice. Thanks for the mood-lift, too. I needed that.

  • vickie

    June 23, 2010 • 2:36 pm

    Jim…so you and your gf watch porn, so what. My husband has an addiction and looking back at his lack of sexual drive to me was horrible. I love sex, too. It is not different for women, we actually can get addicted to orgasms. What I did when I found out what my husband was doing, I took his computer to a geek, and they uncovered over 663 sites and burned them for me on a CD. I brought it home and had to look at it, as I wanted to know what I was given up for, and it made me sick. However, I can tell you the 3 times I looked at it, I too, was getting addicted with those images. I made a commitment to myself and refused to look at it again, but those images did not leave me. It has now been nearly a month, and I can honestly say if I think of it, the images come back just as vivid. So, it is not hard to erase. It will take time and with the help of both of you, you can come thru this. I am just now myself getting in touch with him intimately. But, I can tell you he looses his erection, and that is hard for me. He is trying to blame it on testosterone and is now wanting to take that. I cannot seem to get him into this program yet, and that saddens me. But never tell anyone, that porn doesn’t hurt, it does. And it can destroy even the best relationship. You guys and girls need to realize these images are not real, and even if you met one of them, they cannot live up to what you see them as on screen, those things are edited and edited. I know someone who does porn, and she is so messed up, all she talks about is committing suicide. But she won’t give it up, and I fear one day she will face her demons and come crashing down and possibly die. She hates doing it, she says, but she does it for the money, but she now has a degree, and can get a job, but still goes back for more. No one can help her, she has to help herself. Think about that for a moment. Think about an image you have looked at and supported, and now think of that person being strung out on drugs, and one day she is not there, but dead. Does that change your image about her? To me, supporting any type of porn is helping these people who do get more messed up. Their lives are heading into a downhill trip to Hell.

  • braveheart

    July 13, 2010 • 10:40 pm

    Is so sad this issue because I felt in love with my husband ,didn’t knowing he was a sex addict, not even 8 months of marriage and he is lost in that dark world of the sex addiction, even in work, he masturbate himself insted of having sex with me, he has quite a collection of videos, photos of any kind of sex spacially with grand mothers ,big ass, big breast. not even theraphy work for us . he din’t want to continue with the treatment, so I’m so hurt beyond repair, who is he to tell me that I’m not atractive just because i don’t have the look of a porno star or a stripper, GOD gave me this beatifull Body and a good heart to love and that what is priceless. my best way out is get over it and leaving him with his fantasies just that what they are only fantasies

  • louise

    August 17, 2010 • 7:42 pm

    My husband called me a big fat slob when I approached him about his porn addiction. then he texted me and said he did not mean to hurt me. Too late but I found out it was an excuse he has been looking at porn since we have been married and I was a size 4 and now a 14. I would stand in the hallway and look through my bay window and watch him as he masturbated watching porn and I drank and I ate. Stupid me.

    when he apologized he made the same comment that he had a low libido. I went on depression medicine and I have actually lost a lot of weight but I am drinking heavily and I need help and dont know where to turn. I am guilty of allowing my husband to verbally abuse me for years. I am a coward and afraid to be alone. But the sad part is I have been alone for many years.

  • amanda

    October 4, 2010 • 2:48 pm

    My husband was sent over seas and has become detattached from me and in some ways our son he started watching porn over there well if the truth be known it was when he joined the military he has made life for me very hard in alot of ways because of how he is behaving in our marriage he is distent has no emotions for the way he treats me, sex is far and few between and when it is there its how he wants it and when he wants ,it he makes me feal realy bad about myself and about my peformance i dont much like the things we do, but if i dont he is not willing to be with me at all. I think he has turned to sleeping maybe with other people because he isn’t getting any thing out of our relationship do to watching porn i cant baby sit him his job takes him away alot and all over so i guess i will never know what he is doing or who he is doing it with wich realy eats at me.What is he bringing home to me??? this is what im afraid of we do have a son and i dont want to chang his life because im depressed and misserable,and i do love my husband alot even if he is unable to love me like he used to im afraid to tell him i know somthing is wrong only i think because i dont like to argue and im almoste sure it would push him to leave me and my son needs bothe of us this is killing me inside… ive been reading other comments and alot are like mine i to used to be thiner and now am over weight not huge but enough he makes me feel realy bad i was bigger when we got married and he made me feel good he went off to basic came back and was a tottaly diffrent person i do love him so much and i hate my self for wanting him and loving him. the gut feelings are realy strong but i dont want to point the finger at him unless there is proof and i have none on the cheating, and what i think is alot on the porn.

  • amanda

    October 4, 2010 • 8:56 pm

    I think maybe i just should stop careing about his feelings since he has forgoten me all together im tired of being the onley one trying to fight for us and being so understanding i hate the idea now at this time that i need to be saportive when he does nothing for me and ive been sick for several yrs now and he says that im week well what does that make him?

  • juli

    October 5, 2010 • 2:19 pm

    people say that there spouse is or is trying to get better but the truth is moste will not or will probably lie and say that they havnt watched it for a long time but whos to say what there definition of a lond time realy is

  • dera

    October 6, 2010 • 9:21 am

    My husband is 76 yrs. old. Has been impotent since his heart attack in 2004.

    He is using porn on the internet to have “self sex”. He says he reads erotic materials to arouse himself. So he feels for medical reasons because he has an enlarged prostate, he says he has to do this for relief.

    I am very depressed. What should I do.

  • Shelly

    October 15, 2010 • 11:25 pm

    Porn addiction makes me sad:(! I to suffer with this in my realationship. I have been lied to, betrayed, and hurt time and time again. I am trying to be supportive but I don’t think he really understands that this is a true addiction that needs to be addressed. Everytime I catch on to his compulsive behavior we get angry, yell….and all other expected emotions! He stops!promises that he is finished, and he knows its wrong, so I sweep it under the rug! Then about 5 months later, the creature of habit returns! I can’t continue these cycles!! We have always had a great marraige, great sex and both experimental as any could wish. But when I start finding the porn its b/c I felt a seperation between us and started snooping. I recently caught onto one of Mr. sneekie’s cylces and almost left. I stop myself, and decided to councile him myself, asked him all the obvious victim questions and said………what are you going to do to fight this addiction and save our marriage? He finally admits that it is an addiction and he needs help! We started at a new church and recently found this site and have wkly discussions on temptations and how we over come them..I hope these are some steps that will lead to a healthier lasting marraige.

  • Chad

    November 29, 2010 • 2:32 pm

    I am glad to see that I am not alone with my problem…I was married for thirteen years and was committed to my wife until the very end. I first started becoming an addict to the best of my knowledge about the same time I found out that my wife had been in a relationship with a co-worker…we never recovered from this out of marriage affair and porn became my only outlet for sex…I did not want to lose my family so decided to stay married for many years enduring one affair after another. My wife and I stayed together for many years in a sexless marriage and I have recently found just how much damage has been done. For six years I layed next to my wife which would not engage in sex or any affection for that matter. I naturally still had my needs and the internet was obviously my outlet for taking are of those needs. Recently divorced I have been involved with a BEAUTIFUL woman on all levels and am finding out that I cannot function correctly…The irony is unbelievable that what I have wanted for so long is right in front of me and now I have this embarrassing issue. Since finding this amazing woman who is very supportive I have had no desire to view porn…I can only hope that with her patience and my efforts to recover that we can have a healthy relationship.

  • lisa

    January 10, 2011 • 1:00 pm

    My husband and I have been together for 10yrs, married for 7yrs. We have two children (boys) 3 & 5. I also have two girls 17 & 19, from a previous marriage. We both work full time jobs so time for ourselves came last. We had an AWESOME sex life for many years. After the boys were born, it became less and less frequent. Two years ago he started sleeping on the couch because he wanted to “watch TV, and not keep me up and he would just fall asleep,” so he says. I want sex. I need sex. He shows no interest at all. He watches internet porn on a 3 to 4 times weekly basis …it is disgusting!! I take care of myself, I still get hit on, I love sex and experimenting soooo what is wrong? What does he want!?!? HELP!!!

  • maria

    January 29, 2011 • 2:03 am

    My husband and I have been together for 40 years and I have always known that he likes porn and that he would watch it now and then.I now came to realize that he watches every time I leave the room and when I go out .He has a stash of videos that he hides from me.I have discovered those by accident when I was cleaning and when I asked him about it he got very angry and told me that all men do this.Last night before leaving on a business trip to a moslem country I walked in on him satisfying himself to porn.I was shocked to the core to see him like this and his response was that he had no access to porn wile away.I am not a prude and I would do anything to please him but now I am deeply hurt and I don’t understand why he has this need.When we do have sex he tells me how sexy I am and he satisfies me with his fingers,never orally which I would love.He hasn’t had an erection for 15years with me as he prefers to do it alone.I know full well that he is addicted to porn . I cant live in this three way relationship but I love him so much and at the same time I feel dead inside.Please please Help!

    • Brad

      January 30, 2011 • 3:32 pm

      I think this is one of the saddest posts I’ve read here, Maria. You see the problem here, but he doesn’t. Until he begins to understand what you’re feeling, and that, in fact, his
      behaviors are a problem, I don’t know how any of this will change. But you certainly have my prayers. I hope things can change for you.

  • tes

    February 13, 2011 • 3:30 am

    sad my life is ,my husband and myself together for last 13 years, I know it is myself to blame after he leaves for office i just hooked with the net , 4 or 6 houres daily watching, chating porn, i never let my mind when he tried to have intimassy, oh sure , it is true waching porn do kill your sweet life

  • Jane

    February 18, 2011 • 11:55 am

    The Porn addiction is killing my love. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and his porn addiction has been alive and active for the entire time. In the begining I did not see a problem with it, I believed that it was ok for people to utilize porn and to masterbate and since our sex life was pretty consistant I didn’t let his use worry me. But over time his desire for me did seem to wan and at first I think I just thought we were getting busy in goal setting, work, life and settling into routine and moving out of the wonderlust phase of our relationship, so again, I didn’t let it bother me. A couple years ago my husband started having ED issues while having sex with me and the sex became less and less frequent and less and less attentive…foreplay consisted of a few dry pecks and a quick test of the waters…then jumping on even when conditions were not properly set. Maybe worse, I found that his addiction had escalated to online sex cahts. I started dying inside with every encounter, beating myself up, spending money on making lavish romantic meals, new lingerie, toys, games…anything that I thought could help me stir his interest, keep his interest, teach him to slow down and be more attentive…none of it worked…these encouters would leave me deflatted and in tears with him completely baffled. For awhile I tried joining him in the porn and at first that sort of worked but it didn’t take very long before I became the side dish and then completely absent even while I was right next to him. I was invisable. At this time I just shut down, I felt something huge leave me, that something I can only describe as a peice of my love. I felt desparate over the loss and the emptiness I felt and scared over what it meant, because honestly the loss of it caused me to see him differently, more critically, less lovingly, more apathetically. I fell in love with this man because I believed he saw my heart, I believed that he could love me in a way that few people are able to do for one another, nearly unconditionally and now hear I was fealling that I could no longer give that back to him. This caused me to panic, I felt I had to do something desparate or lose everything! I chose honesty, I let loose on everything I had been feeling, thinking, fearing and let him know that he was losing me. He decided to go get help and joined a recovery group. He reads a lot of self help books and goes to his meetings, but nothing has really changed, if anything sex is even more infrequent…mostly because I don’t try anymore. I am tired of initiating, tired of crying afterwards, tired of pursuing and not knowing what it feels like to be pursued. These last few months I think about an affair, I think about divorce, I think about a man a know who would love to have an opportunity to love me and I just don’t even find my husband attractive anymore. The only thing that keeps me from divorce is co-dependance. I fear the financial burden it would cause him and the emotional pain. I am not sure he will ever be able to find someone that he can love or that could truly love him…maybe he would give up trying to be that kind of man…I don’t know. I think I am done.

  • Karmen

    March 3, 2011 • 7:09 pm

    My husand grew up with porn. His father had a whole room full of videoa, magazines etc. He has been viewing internet porn for about 20 years, ever since we’ve had internet. I knew he looked but never realized the full extent. Until I found thousands of pictures, video clips, CDs he had burned, live porn chat sites & even 2 nasty email addresses in his contacts. This was just a few months ago. I confronted him with these things and he told me he would never look again & that he never entered a chat or emailed. That the addresses & webs sites in his favorites list must have gotten there from a virus. He’s really into computers he has 5. I found porn on every one except the comuter I use. On that I found over 2000 Sports Illistrated swimsuit & pictures of other beautiful women. I feel like a fool for not realizing the extent of his preoccupation. We work opposite shifts so we spend less time together than I’d like. I do come home for my lunch to see him, sometimes he would spend most of lunch time in the basement on the computer, now I know why. The worst porn was on an old computer he hadn’t used for a few years. It was there when our daughter was in high school, and using that computer. I can’t figure out why he would save these images. I delected every thing & distroyed the CD’s. Screamed & cried & pitched a fit, but I didn’t walk out. In fact I thought maybe it was my fault, I began sleeping in the nude, dressing more provokatively, & Initiating sex more often. Since my discovery he has been unable to maintain & often obtain an erection. He says I’m still the one for him & that he still finds me desirable. Why then is our sex life so awful? How do I learn to trust him again?

  • Drag0n

    March 9, 2011 • 7:38 pm

    Wow, this is amazing – I always used to wonder is there something wrong with me but now it’s all coming clear. .
    Let me introduce myself – I”m 31 yrs guy and have always been addicted to porn – frm as far as I could possibly remember – never though it is a problem. Now i look back, i’ve always had this as a priority. Watching Porn every day has been an important aspect of life since the start of my teen’s. If I would not MB atleast once daily, i would feel as if something is missing and I would always be thinking about porn / sex / MB no matter what.

    Now, if I look back, I have lost so many years of my life over this habit – I’m a professional failure with no carrier, a lazy man without any libido and the real sex life is non existent. My ex (who is still living with me) has told me about her feelings and said that she felt bad having to put up with my porn addiction and that i’ve been neglecting having real sex with her – and that was a wake up call , a shock for me. I do have occasional ED in past – which i’m sure I’ll be able to overcome once I break free of this habit.

    I have been trying to break free of porn addiction and my first attempt lasted about 2 weeks. But this has’t put me behind – i’m again going to try – this time probably for one month till I give myself a breather or a break… so no MB or no PORN…

    The positive things that happened to me during this 2 week period was that I felt more energetic, I have started to do more stuff in life (now that i’m not wasting so much time over porn) – even if these are simple things like cleaning the house or taking my dog to a longer walk or fixing up random stuff – talking to friends over the phone – but it was so much better.
    I also started to look after my self, dress up nicely and I began to notice that there are so many girls in my work place who would come to me and have a chat and I feel attracted to them – this has’t happened in years.

    Porn will take over your life, treat it very seriously and make it a priority to get rid of it.. even if you have to d/c the internet connection – i’ll be very well worth it…

    (I feel so nice after posting this and am even more determined to quit permanently?)

  • Jo

    March 18, 2011 • 7:11 am

    @Jim: “Guys have a physical need for sexual release, women don’t.” is wrong. I love having sex, making love actually, experimenting and it took me time to come to terms with my sexual drive within the context of my education.
    I guess we (women) are often taught we are “above these things” or “different” (if not, we’re called sluts) and that is the reason why we don’t admit it and request that our partners satisfy those needs. We are also often taught it is our fault if we’re not attractive enough for our partners. How wrong can that be????
    But no one warned us about these new problems. How could they, if our mothers and fathers did not have access to porn the way we do today?
    @ Lisa: I really do understand you. I have a very similar problem and it took me a long time to admit that this is NOT my problem (of course it is, as we are a couple and I love him, but not in the sense that I am the cause of the problem or can solve it by myself). My partner does have a rather severe porn addiction that results in ED and he would never admit it. He acknowledged the ED and went to the doctor for tests and treatment: there’s nothing physically wrong with him. Of course he never mentioned the porn to his doctor, therefore the medicine prescribed will never help.
    A serious reason for me to leave him, as I don’t find it fair for him to let me carry the burden of a loveless life by myself. I have tried all ” love tricks”, we have lately been acting constantly on his fantasies (only) and even that is not working anymore. Not for him and not for me, as I am less and less aroused myself by the “technicality” of it all. I feel more like an object, as I cannot express myself anymore during the sexual act without being afraid of “spoiling it”.
    I have become aware that, if he is not willing to solve his problem (that became our problem, I cannot help us in any way). It’s an addiction and it has to be treated like one, there’s no doubt about it. The starting point: the addict’s acknowledging it and really willing to solve it.
    I really feel like living normally, sometimes attending my own needs and fantasies, which is just normal and healthy. I feel very much cheated and I am very much aware that the options – if he doesn’t change his mind about being honest and willing to solve this – are cheating on him or leaving him as soon as possible.

  • Fran

    May 5, 2011 • 12:35 am

    When my husband and I first met he couldn’t keep his hands off me almost 6 yrs ago. He played a porn one of the first times we were together but he didn’t even hardly look at it his focus was all on me fir 6 hours! It changed pretty fast but there was always an excuse, too tired from work, low testosterone, all the things I read in above posts. He has been working for years out of town and I know he looks at porn. He won’t even look for a job close.
    For years now he is hardly romantic. He doesn’t want to sit by me, hold hands, etc and if we go places I see him checking out teenage looking girls. A month or so ago he was looking at the teenage girls butt as she was bent over at a drive through we me right there. He doesn’t want to take me out when he is in town much and if he does I look at him waning a connection while he looks at the surroundings of the place and looks at the young waitresses. I am 39 but look younger. I wasn’t thin when he met me but he wanted sex then!
    He has blown a lot of money on ATMs at various times working out of town and one time I checked an ATM address and it was a topless bar. He says he doesn’t go to them!
    For years I have felt a strange distance between us. I flirt, hit his but, etc rub his arms and try to touch him while he is home and he makes me feel like I have the plague.
    I have tried to talk dirty to him while he is gone, 99% of the time no response
    I have tried to get him to role play , bought sexy nighties, he never even seems interested
    He knows catching him with porn has hurt me in the past but I feel so lonely and him so distant I even offered today to add porn in our sex life togethervand he said no.
    He has admitted in the past to sleeping with a hooker. It really hurts because I have tried everything sexually I can think of to do with him to be fun ,,, even let him do anal even though it hurt really bad.
    I feel so hurt. So lonely. So sad. What few times we have sex it’s just weird to me. It’s not making love at all. He never rubs my feet, or body, doesn’t try to act loving or tell my I am sexy or flirt. It’s just straight to doing the one or two things he thinks will turn me on, never get or for me but like once a year even though he wants it. He complains about it.
    I think porn has ruined him. He spent time in prison when he was young and that’s all he had and he has never really stoped. He has NO desire to even pretend I am attractive. Does he have a sexy body ? no, but because I love him he is sexy to me.
    If he would let me and if he wanted to be a good lover and focus on me we could have a great sex life because I want that bad.
    I had an out of body experience BEFORE I met him with another man just kissing him and the way we touched each other. I want the whole tantric creative make love to the whole spirit soul and body thing with him and it’s like talking to a stone cold brick wall.
    I love him but feel dead inside because of his choice to be as he is. It is interesting to see what porn does t o dopamine in brain because pot affects that too and he is addicted to it now over a year morning , noon, and night. He is not the guy I thought I was marrying at all in the sex area.
    I love my husband but this hurts so bad. I feel like I am dieing from it.

  • July 8, 2011 • 8:16 am

    My husband and I have been married for just over 2 1/2 years (second time for both of us). We met via the internet, I was new online, only a matter of 6 weeks, and totally naive, even though I am in my 50′s. Our first conversations were very explicit online, then we came to know each other and decided we would like to meet in real life. He lived in a country far away from me. Anyway, I travelled to meet him. I had no intention of having sex with him as first meeting so stayed in a hotel for a couple of days. I then stayed at his house. I was concerned about the situation because I wasn’t really attracted to him when we met. He suspected something was wrong and asked if I was concerned about the sleeping arrangements which I confirmed was the case. He said he would sleep in another room but also ask if he could lay at the side of me until I fell asleep, and swore he wouldn’t touch me (little did I know then). Anyway, long story short, we did fall in love and moved to his country and we married. Whilst he was at work I started to try to make the house a home for the both of us, he had been living alone for a while. I found pornographic DVD’s and tapes, when I checked out his PC I could not believe the amount of porn on there. There were 100′s even 1000′s of images and films, some of them involving animals, I started shaking and felt completey sick to my stomach. I deleted all of it. When I confronted him he swore he had no idea how some of it got on his PC, although he did admit that he had watched ‘normal’ porn.I told him that if he wanted the porn, that was ok, but, he wouldn’t have me. He told me he loved me and wanted to grow old with me. He is totally impotent and is not loving at all, doesn’t even like being touched. He has some medication that he has to inject into his penis to get an erection. I have spent the last 2 1/2 years in a state of sadness and feeling rejected. I have never experienced this before, every other male I have ever had an intimate relationship with have always been very passionate with me. I started to suspect that his ED maybe the effects of porn. I have no idea whether he still looks at it or not, however, his ED and lack of passion is killing my feelings for him. HELP..

  • July 27, 2011 • 6:45 pm

    I have been married to my husband for 39 years. I guess I have always known that he liked to look at Porn, but I thought it was an occasional thing. About 15 years ago he started having trouble keeping an erection when we made love. It was frustrating for both of us, and we started going longer and longer between our our attempts at making love. After a few years, we stopped even trying. After that he became more and more involved in watching porn on the computer and masturbating to it. He was very careful not to do it when I was at home and I think I only caught him at it once. Last Sept. he was watching Porn when a new porn site popped up, so he decided to check it out. This was a whole new world for him where he could chat with nude women and take them into a private room where they would perform for him. All he had to do was buy tokens and tip them to perform. He is retired and I still work full time so he had way too much free time for his new obsession. By November he had found a woman from the Ukraine that he convinced himself he was in love with. She knew just how to play him and convince him that she wanted to be with him. She is 31 and he is 67. There is no fool like an old fool. I had no clue that any of this was going on even though we share the same computer. I totally respected his privacy and never checked his E mails or the computer history. In Jan. he decided to sleep in the spare bedroom so his snoring would not keep me awake at night. After that I started to feel him pulling away from me. He also seemed to be on the computer non stop. If we would go out to dinner, he would check his E-mail the second we got home. By May I noticed he would go to bed early and take the laptop with him. One night I got up to use the bathroom at 2:00 AM and I could see a light under his bedroom door. I opened the door and confronted him about what the heck was going on. I figured he was watching porn, but boy was I surprised. He told me he wasn’t happy and hadn’t been for years. Then he told me he had met someone online and he was in love with her. He told me she was 42 years old and was a secretary in the Ukraine. I was in total shock as I never would have thought he would cheat on me. All I could think of was that I had spent 39 years with him and now I was going to spend the rest of my life alone and financially broke. He had plans to go to the Ukraine and meet her,and take her on a cruise.He had already charged over $3600.00 on his credit cards so he could “make love” to her online. I have been so hurt over this whole mess, but I have come to realize just how much I love him. I became a detective and discovered the truth about their relationship. They continued on with their plans and I fought for my marriage finally e-mailing her a few times. I think it is finally over, but even though we are closer than we have been for 35 years he has not been able to get an erection with me. We are going to a marriage counselor and do the Candeo training together. He has been to his doctor and told him the whole story. He is taking Cialis, but so far nothing. I think he is so busy blocking out his addiction to porn and the chat rooms that he cannot perform sexually with me. He is no longer masturbating either. How long do you think it will be before he can get this out of his head? Is there hope that we can once again make love with each other?

  • Mark Kastleman

    July 28, 2011 • 6:57 pm

    Becky: You are an amazing woman! To have remained loyal to your husband after all you’ve been through is truly remarkable. I hope he knows how incredibly blessed he truly is!

    You asked, “How long do you think it will be before he can get this out of his head?” It’s not a matter of getting the images out of his brain, but rather an issue of “replacing” the images and urges with healthy thoughts and desires. This comes with simple and consistent daily practice of the FRC technique. Fortunately, the human brain, no matter how old we are is “neuroplastic” meaning through consistent effort and choices, we can literally mold, shape and rewire the brain to think, behave and respond differently. This will not come all at once, but is a process of “baby steps”—if he makes consistent efforts each day, one-experience-at-a-time, he WILL get there—guaranteed.

    With regard to your healthy sexual intimacy, the process is the same—baby steps one-day-at-a-time. Through “masturbatory conditioning” your husband has linked his sexual arousal and climax to the images on a computer. It will take time for him to “rewire” his brain so that he links arousal and climax to healthy intimacy with you. Don’t pressure yourself or him into believing that he must attain an erection every time. Put all of your attention on loving each other in “non-sexual” ways—holding hands, cuddling, kissing, embracing, walking and talking together, serving each other. You’ve got to build your love, affection, closeness, communication and intimacy outside the bedroom, and as you do, your sexual intimacy will naturally evolve as well. In the Candeo training, you will find all of the information and guidance you need to help you accomplish this. Pay special attention to the “Healthy Sexuality” module and “Partner Relationships. Hang in there and just keep moving forward a little bit each day.

  • dave

    August 17, 2011 • 1:13 am

    Mark,
    Im 18 and i’ve been looking at porn on a daily basis since about 11. I would say i’m addicted as i find it hard to go a day without MB. My preference of women’s appearances has narrowed with the addiction: for the past few years I’ve only been sexually attracted to women in every day life who match my own, unrealistically specific criteria (e.g. imagine you could only ever be attracted to someone with freckles). Anyone else i immediately set aside to the friend group. I think its so stupid because i have great women-friends whose personalities i love and who are attractive to other men, but i simply won’t look at them because they don’t have the body shape i like.
    I want to believe what my parents have always told me, that your emotional connection to someone should be the biggest turn on, but i know i’m failing to do that, and it sucks. Its pretty isolating for because my sexual perversion is not something I can talk to anyone about. Do you think if I stop indulging myself with porn, I could develop the ability to be sexually turned on by my emotional connection with women?
    sincerely, dave

    • August 20, 2011 • 8:57 am

      Dave:
      Your frustrations remind me of a lesson I learned many years ago from my mentor, neuro-psychologist Dr. Page Bailey. I said, “Page, a person can work to overcome sexual addiction and do really well. But then, a woman with a certain look and body proportions walks by and the guy gets triggered big time! Why does that particular woman have such a powerful effect on him?” I will never forget Dr. Bailey’s response—”It’s because he made her that way.” What Dr. Bailey was saying, is that over many years, we “practice” in our minds being attracted to a certain kind of woman with specific body proportions, hair color, facial features, etc. After hundreds or even thousands of repetitions of these thoughts, our arousal reaction to that type of woman becomes automatic—a powerful habit. If we fantasize about that type of woman in our minds, or look at pornographic images of that type of woman, and then masturbate, we literally “wire” our brain to prefer her above all others. That wiring and habit can become so dominant that we’re not attracted by any other type of woman.
      But that doesn’t mean we are forever stuck; that we are slaves to our past. Page also said, “Mark, he made her that way, BUT, he can make her different.” In other words, just as repetition and practice made that type of woman overwhelmingly arousing, practice and repetition can “rewire” that tendency in the brain. Whenever you see that type of woman, practice thinking about her in non-physical/sexual ways and stop masturbating to fantasies or porn images of her. Notice her personality. Connect with her in emotional/non-sexual ways. AND, start seeing ALL women as holistic human beings, rather than as a collection of body parts. Notice their personalities. Emotionally connect with them. Appreciate everything about them, not just their bodies. Practice, practice, practice and over time, you will “make her different” in your mind.
      This is actually a big part of the Candeo program—giving you all of the knowledge, tools and skills you need to literally “rewire” your brain.

  • August 17, 2011 • 4:55 am

    Hello everyone, I’ve been having this problem for a while now and I’ve tried so hard to stop watching porn and nothing has helped :( I made a support group for men with ED and I hope just like with any other addiction, we can help each other out. I hope the folks at CandeoHealthySexuality.com are okay with me posting a link to my site here, I have posted a link to this article on the forum. The site is http://www.edanonymous.com and I hope you guys can come join me and help me and let me help you out of this mess we’ve gotten ourselves into.

  • Shady

    September 1, 2011 • 6:47 pm

    Thank you for the post Mark. Drag0n, i feel the same. I can tell i am addicted to porn and i suffer from ED. I do MB everyday for as long as i can remember. I am a very successful businessman but my personal life is a failure. I am not able to build a healthy relationship with a woman. I suffer from loneliness and depression. I am stuck in the same loop described by Steve ” It’s a continuous loop of desire frustrated by lack of performance resulting in a lack of self esteem causing a desire to desire” I know i have a strong will and i am a tough fighter. Now that I know how bad my addiction state is, i can see how hard the battle is going to be! I will see if i can keep myself away from porn. porn IS BAD, i wish i knew this before. I wish you the best of luck ladies and gentlemen. Wish me the same. Please, share with us any success you achieve.
    PS: Shady is my real name.

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