Written by kevindavis on May 18, 2009 in Brain Science of Addiction, Masturbation Addiction - 11 Comments

By Ken Weatherbee, Candeo Student

For years the struggle with pornography plagued my life and it seemed there was little hope of ever being truly free. It wasn’t until I dealt with the underlying issues, the root cause of my addiction that freedom was obtained. Throughout those years of battling addiction, the realization of my personal trauma and the effect it was having on me was never confronted. Pornography is such a powerful addiction and when it is intertwined as the primary coping mechanism to fight the pain of trauma it becomes even more powerful. Subconsciously, the internal pain and subsequent feelings drive the victim toward relief, and pornography is all too ready to provide such relief.

My personal trauma was being molested as a nine-year old boy. It occurred on two separate occasions, by the same person, but the traumatic effect engrained itself for years to come; in fact, the longer it went untreated the more solidifying the damage. The experience caused a variety of emotions to circulate deep within my young mind and continued to develop further in unhealthy avenues as I grew older. Being molested by a trusted friend, someone I admired and looked up to, damaged my ability to build trusting relationships. Further, it caused my young mind to doubt my own ability to protect myself, planting seeds of tremendous insecurity.

My trauma is not unique. Any event that causes psychological stress, particularly during the formative years, has the ability to linger and subconsciously trigger the need to seek relief. Like many young boys, I was exposed to pornography at an early age and found the medication of climax accompanied by the stimulus of pornography to be the immediate relief my young mind sought. The women falsely portrayed in pornography were always willing, yes, even begging to please me. All the while they required no trust on my part. There was never a need for my heart to be vulnerable and present itself to these women. Yet, they continued to provide me with pleasure and superficial self-esteem. Therefore, as my body welcomed the release of pain killing chemicals via climax, my heart was safe from the possibilities of further pain. The reality, however, was that my heart became more and more detached; thus, setting me up for further pain down the road.

During the molestation, I, like many, experienced a dichotomy of emotions. One part of me was disgusted, hurt, scared, and angry. While the other part of me felt intrigued, desired, aroused and excited. The dark, negative feelings led me to build defense mechanisms to prevent others from using or hurting me in any form. The feelings of arousal and excitement from the experience instigated confusion, fear and insecurity concerning my sexuality for years to come. In fact, the fear of not being “manly” was so tremendous on my part it instinctively steered me to become a womanizer in a vain attempt to prove those feelings false. Thus, women became a tool to falsely build my self-esteem, and the women portrayed in pornography fed this artificial feeling because they never “denied” me the pleasures I sought.

The atmosphere I grew up in promoted an extremely negative view of women, particularly the way I interpreted my father’s stance. My interpretation as a young boy of my father’s behavior and comments was that women were a mere object for our pleasures. Moreover, my father was my hero and the man I most looked up to; thus, anything that I felt would cause him to be disappointed in me was countered to the best of my ability. The reader needs to remember, this was the mind of a young boy at work who was vulnerable and impressionable. Plus, I felt like my father treated me more like a man with each and every sexual conquest. It was as though the more I objectified women, the more I felt my father’s approval.

Therefore, in an attempt to deal with the emotional baggage from the molestation, and to ensure my father would be “proud” of me, the exploitation of women was a primary goal. Women became an object for my pleasure, and ultimately my conquest. These were not the overt thoughts of a young teenage boy who was strategically planning to win his father’s approval. Rather, they were the confused, hurt and scared calls for help of a young boy trapped in an ever evolving body trying to cope with the hurts of being molested.

To all you father’s reading, it is so important to realize how our children, particularly our sons, look up to us as heroes-they are like sponges absorbing our actions and behaviors into their subconscious minds. When we look at women with lust, our sons observe and internalize this example as they develop their own view toward women. Our comments or casualness toward “locker room” talk leads these young boys to establish an unhealthy attitude toward women-sexual toys for our personal gratification. After all, it was my father’s pornographic magazines and movies that I consumed which solidified my own outlook on women. As the saying goes, “Like father, like son.” Unfortunately, this can be a passing on of the sins of the father for generations. But, thanks to the grace of God, this curse can be broken and a proper view of women can be portrayed and taught to our sons.

Because my emotions triggered by the traumatic event of molestation were never properly dealt with and given avenues of expression, they sought relief and answers in ways that medicated the pain. Although the pain was not removed, pornography and sexual conquests provided an immediate, temporary relief. Unfortunately, the younger a person is when they begin self-medicating and the longer they utilize such tactics, the more “natural” it becomes. For me, it became so natural that I accepted it as a permanent part of my personality; something I couldn’t change. This became my greatest excuse for my addiction. The trauma was so deep and unattended there was no realization on my part of any correlation between my pursuit of self-medication and my trauma.

Thankfully, I was introduced to the Candeo program and over time I was able to break the chains of pornography addiction. As I focused not only on the actions of my addiction, but also upon the feelings and emotions driving those actions, I was able to find freedom. Whether you have been molested or traumatized in any form, pornography is often the medication of choice. As you work through the program, and continue in your recovery, which is an ongoing process, remember to deal with the emotions of the trauma. Don’t beat yourself up over the past and the errors you have made. In my case, I was a nine year old boy that was fighting and doing whatever was necessary to survive.

Now, as a grown man, I have had to go back into my heart and help that young boy find forgiveness, and acceptance for who he is. The guilt and emotional trauma has to be confronted and allowed to express itself without shame and then be encompassed in unconditional love. If you have suffered from any traumatic event and are struggling with sexual addiction, then there is a correlation. As you work through your addiction you must work through the emotions of the trauma. Just as the trauma sought relief via sexual addictive behavior, in order to break free from the addiction you must seek to properly heal the trauma. There is hope and healing from the wounds of traumatic events and freedom from sexual addiction. If you are having trouble confronting trauma, dealing with it in a healthy way and moving forward, you should consider seeking a therapist or counselor who specializes in healing from trauma.