One of the most common questions we receive from those struggling with pornography addiction is: “Should I Tell My Wife I Have a Porn Problem?” A recent blog post on the Candeo website is along these lines and very common:
“. . . admitting to my wife will be the hardest and how she will accept me. We are close to separation. Every time she asked me what was wrong I could not tell her. I have failed her and my self.”
This comment illustrates several key issues. First, it is extremely difficult for a pornography addict to disclose to his spouse. Or, if he is not married, it can be just as difficult to disclose to a parent or girlfriend. Why? The individual who posted the blog comment expressed his greatest concern when he said-”. . . and how she will accept me.” We all want to be accepted, valued and thought well of. A husband wants to be a hero, a “knight in shining armor” to his wife. A son wants to be considered a success, someone his parents can be proud of. I can tell you from my own recovery years, our greatest fear as an addict is disappointing those we care about most. We fear letting them down and being a failure or weak in their eyes. This fear is often so intense that we keep our porn addiction a secret at all costs-we are convinced that the risks of discovery are too great. We believe things like, “If they ever find out the truth, they could never accept me,” or “If they really knew about my dark side, they could never love me.” In addition, we also fear that we will not be able to cope with the difficulties of life without our “drug of choice.” If we tell others about our addiction, then they’ll expect us to give it up, and we’re not sure we’re ready to do that.
So, controlled by these fears, we resort to lies, deceptions, secrecy and withholding the truth. As the individual in the blog post said, “Every time she asked me what was wrong I could not tell her. I have failed her and my self.” The hardest part about this addiction is that as a result of our isolation and secrecy, we choose to bear alone the heavy burdens of guilt, shame, depression and feeling like a total loser and failure.
If we do manage to find the courage to tell a spouse, parent or someone else close to us about the addiction, we’re not sure how to go about it. Here’s another typical comment an individual posted to the Candeo blog:
“I need to know how do I get my wife to believe in me again and start to trust me and have faith that I am getting help for my problem and that I want this to work and stay together?”
What is the answer? First of all, you must come to the conclusion that you will never overcome pornography addiction by yourself. Remember, this is a powerful “chemical” addiction. Just as you would need help to break free of cocaine or meth, you need help to escape this “drug.” Second, you’ve got to stop taking counsel from your fears. In my experience, we greatly exaggerate and blow up “possible” future scenarios in our minds. Most often, things don’t turn out to be the total disaster we envisioned. And even if some of our fears are realized, we find that we have the capacity and wherewithal to deal with it and move forward. So, set aside your fears and start taking action-start doing something to begin moving forward!
Second, while disclosure to a spouse, parent or someone else close to you is important to your recovery, you should carefully consider the timing and circumstances. Simply declaring to a spouse, “Hey, I’m hooked on porn,” without the proper preparation and foundation in place is rarely productive. There are two important factors that should be in place when you disclose your addiction.:
1. You should have a very basic understanding about how your addiction works, how you got into it, and a general idea of the recovery process. You should be able to share this very basic understanding with whomever you are disclosing your addiction to. You should also be able to direct the individual to educational resources where they can learn about these things in greater depth for themselves.
2. You should begin your recovery journey and be making some progress as you disclose your addiction. Don’t use this as an excuse to remain in secret until you are “cured.” Just get the recovery process started and headed in the right direction as you invite others to help you.
Why are these factors important? Because they give a spouse, parent, fiancé, girlfriend, etc., two critical gifts-understanding and hope. They can come to important realizations, such as: “His addiction is not about me.” “He is not a loser or lost cause-there is a logical, scientific explanation as to why he is trapped.” “I can see that he is sincere about his recovery because he is actually making progress.” “I believe he can break free from this and I want to help him.”
We have designed the Candeo program to give you critical knowledge and understanding about your addiction-for your own peace of mind and personal growth-and to share with others. The program is also designed to quickly get you solidly on the path to recovery so you can begin making progress and invite those you care for most to partner with you. In the Candeo program, your “Support People” will find the knowledge and tools they need to feel secure and confident moving forward with you.
Matt
April 28, 2009 • 9:24 am
Good advice. I’m starting to feel more confident that I can share this problem with my wife. It’s hard to set aside feelings of fear and how she will react, but this news is encouraging.
Marie
April 28, 2009 • 10:28 am
I am the spouse of a porn addict, and I just wanted to say that following those two guidelines is such a good idea. My husband kept his addiction a secret from me for 7 years, and I finally caught him. What a difference it would have made if he had come to me and told me and let me know he needed help. That would have made it so much easier for me to deal with the problem. Neither of us understood the addiction or the chemical processes involved, and he had no clue or plan of working on recovery. If he came to me and told me about his problem it still would be painful and hard to deal with, but at least I would have known that he wanted to do something about it. It would have been tremendously helpful, also, if we knew about Candeo so we could both learn about the science behind pornography addiction. Because I caught him, and because we did not understand the addiction, my reaction was extreme despair, fear and anger. I was so hurt and I did not understand that his addiction was a chemical addiction, and was not because of his level of love or desire for me. I have never experienced such pain and hopelessness in my life. We very nearly got divorced. Luckily, a friend told me about Candeo about a month after I found out about his problem. During the past few months I have come to understand his addiction and he has made a lot of progress! A lot of pain and fear and despair could have been avoided if we had the knowledge and understanding earlier. I highly recommend following the advice in this article, if you have a pornography problem.
Aaron
April 28, 2009 • 11:36 am
Marie -
Thank you for your additional information. I am working towards telling my wife, and am so scared about what it will do to us. But with what you said, I know that this is what I need to do.
Aaron
April 28, 2009 • 11:43 am
Sorry about this double post – I just have another question. When I am ready to tell my wife, how should I go about doing it? Should I just talk to her face to face? Or gather together a bunch of info and write a letter for her to find while I am at work? Should I send her an email? Deep down I feel like, face to face is probably the answer to my question, but if there were some other way….
S.B.
April 28, 2009 • 1:01 pm
Response to Aaron: face to face is the only way. It is obviously the hardest way, but your wife deserves to hear it directly from you.
I was very lucky to have a good friend I could confide in before I got married. I was engaged and asked for his and his wife’s opinion and she said “it is so much better to be told than to find out.” (They had been dealing with pornography addiction in their marriage too) So I told my fiance about my addiction before we were married. She was hurt, nervous, and wary, but also very loving and supportive. She still decided to marry me knowing about my addiction. We have been struggling with this challenge for 7 years of marriage, but having her know about it has been very helpful for both of us. I only recently discovered Candeo and am finally making real progress. I wish I had access to it long ago.
In contrast, prior to meeting my wife I was seriously dating another girl and we were talking about getting married. I didn’t tell her, she caught me. It was devastating. The relationship fell apart in an emotionally traumatic fireball of hurt feelings, mistrust, and dashed dreams.
Telling your wife or serious girlfriend is hard, but it is the best thing you can do for her and yourself.
ipower
April 28, 2009 • 1:49 pm
You people are lucky to have a wife to disclose your addiction to pornography. I am so unlucky that I can’t find someone close to disclose it. Neither do I have a girlfriend. I am living far away from my parents and family. The only people around me are my friends who are in my age 20′s and can’t really help (Everybody has got their own issues and college problems). I am really want to disclose my secret because I am 110% sure that it is the way to progress for me because I have already tried everything else myself but I had no support from outside. So, I highly recommend guys who have spouse to have no doubt or hesitation in disclosing it. Just go for it and make it face to face sooner better! Good luck!
S
April 28, 2009 • 1:50 pm
When my husband told me that he had a pornography addiction he left a letter for me to read before he left for work. He didn’t get home until late that night and I couldn’t get a hold of him all day. I felt devastated, confused, hurt, etc. It would have been helpful to read the letter and then be able to talk about the issue. I definitely agree about telling your spouse and doing it the right way. It may even bring you closer together in the long run.
Dave
April 28, 2009 • 5:51 pm
My wife found out about my addiction and it nearly broke us but luckily, I found Candeo very soon after and it truely openned my eyes that it’s a chemical addiction and I shared some articles and blogs with my wife and it relieved some of the fears and anger she was feeling, enough so that we were able to talk about it and she now sees that I am trying to recover and making progress. If I had known about Candeo before, I definately would have went to her and explained it, and that would have been much, much better than her catching me. So guys, take the advice given here.
AND…Aaron, it MUST be face to face. Anything else would viewed as cowardly and could create other issues on top of what you’re already presenting to her. Just be honest and be prepared like it says in this article.
Pete
April 29, 2009 • 5:40 am
Make sure you tell your wife as soon as possible. I didn’t tell my wife that my porn addiction had led me to seek anonymous homosexual encounters. Ater I caught syphilis, I had to tell her, so she could be tested. She was not infected, but that didn’t help. We are now separated, and the last month has been the worst experience that she, and I, have ever had. I destroyed her trust in me, and I destroyed our marriage of nearly thirty years. I hope and pray that some day we may rebuild our marriage, but at the moment that looks very unlikely. Please don’t do what I did.
Aaron
April 30, 2009 • 8:42 am
Well, today is my first appointment with a councilor. I am quite luck in that my work offers a free service. I hope all goes okay. I know that soon I will be talking to my wife about this. Thank you for this posting. I know what I need to talk about, but I am still so nervous and scared to tell her.
carol
May 11, 2009 • 1:37 pm
I am sorry to tell you what i feel being married to someone who has an addiction to porn. Many empty promises have been made and nothing has changed in the last 33 years We are just about done raising our children and at that point I will do what i need to do. hope you guys have better luck but i just feel belittled, disrespected and worthless and i need to remove myself totally
carol
May 12, 2009 • 1:18 pm
My husband did not need to confess to me about his porn addiction. In the past years I have found every possible kind of evidence, such as magazines videos,dvd’s, and all kinds of electronic devices to watch them all. He had promised over and over again that he would get help and quit, but still continues. I have come to one conclusion that I must not satisy him , therefore, he must look elsewhere. So now I am at that point that I too need to move on…
hopeless
May 21, 2009 • 9:17 pm
hi my husband is a recoverying alcoholic for 6 year and all those years he is hiding his porn addictions.when i find it he is very abusive he blames it on everyone else.i tell him its ok just be honest i done no what to do he will not admitt it he please give me answers
what2do
May 31, 2009 • 7:03 pm
My husband is addicted to porn and I found out several years ago and he swore never again, of course that was a lie, the problem is that he is not interested in me, he seems to be happier pleasing himself, and I am tired of trying. He comes from a very religious background so to talk about it is painful and I feel like I am abandoned. I dearly love him but am so tired of begging to be loved, we have been married 17.5 years and together 20 years and I am at a loss. I do not want a divorce, but I can’t see living the next 20 years feeling neglected and unloved. What should I do??
Stevn85897
October 28, 2009 • 6:46 pm
I am 17 and try hard in school. My parents are really proud of me, so I don’t want to disapoint them.I almost told my Father but my Mom is an alchoholic and I am afraid telling her will make her drink. Also what is the best time to tell them?
Mephu
November 20, 2009 • 12:49 am
I’ve been addicted since I was about 18 or 19. Started looking at about 14 or 15 but that was a normal puberty thing and wasn’t addiction. I became addicted in college and have gone toward harder and more kinky porn over the years. But now, something weird is happening – I am naurally reverting back to using softcore porn again. I jus adore women so much that I don’t have to see them nude. They are so lovely and cute in many ways. If I could get a girlfriend, I don’t think I would have this problem. Women to me are just so beautiful, that I couldn’t see myself ignoring my wife in favor of porn. As a single man, I must say to every husband of a woman : you are lucky, women are insanely beautiful in every way imaginable, please remember that and choose your wife over porn!
Roger
February 28, 2010 • 8:22 pm
Telling your significant other is the right thing to do, but I feel unable to. Apart from the expected reactions that Mark mentions in the article, my lady is very close to her sisters and mother and I know beyond any doubt that she would tell them – not maliciously, but to share what’s happening for her, in the feminine way. Our relationship is excellent, but I know this would happen and while I’m willing to tell her, I’m not willing to let anyone else in. But I’ve signed up for Candeo, phew.
DevilsvN
April 6, 2010 • 2:46 pm
Thank you all so much for sharing all of your personal experiences and struggles and power to overcome. I have been addicted to porn for years now and I make myself sick with guilt and shame. I find myself second guessing my life while its in my hand, and when I finish I feel empty and like I’ve reached the bottom, but this has never truly ended my addiction. I have been with my gf for about a year now and it was rough to start but has gotten much better and I feel she really is someone I can talk to and need to talk to about this…I’ve just been so afraid. I have told her I have watched porn, but not that I still do so that is the hard part, trying to talk to her about how much I really love her and it has nothing to do with our relationship because I could see myself with ehr forever and I am more attracted to her than any girl I’ve ever seen…so I hope this will be ok.
2Benny
July 21, 2010 • 7:24 am
A little over a year ago I told my girlfriend (who is now my wife) about my problem I have had for the last 12 years. For 4 months after we were both in complete misery. We went about 2 months without even talking so she could try and find peace with it. I love her so much. I know I do. I always ask myself why in the world I have the cravings I do if I love her like that? Why is it so easy to forget about her when my selfish desires overcome me? I did so well until about 4 months ago…I slipped up. I didn’t look at porn, I just did the physical act that typically accompanies such an addiction. Since then off and on I have looked at things, never nudity, and about half of the time it is of my wife’s facebook pictures, or pictures of celebrities in swimsuits and such. I can’t forget how bad it hurt her and I think that’s why I can’t allow myself to look at full on pornography, but by definition the things I have seen are considered that even though they would be allowed in a PG movie. My religion teaches me that the things I have done are wrong and I don’t want anything to do with this. I feel addicted because despite the fact that this only happens once every 1 to 2 weeks, I struggle making the choice to not do it when I desire to. I am worried that this will only lead to deeper and worse things.
Would it be bad if I decided to just go get help from a counselor and not tell my wife? I don’t want to hurt her again. It’s easy for me to rationalize by saying that I haven’t looked at actual porn but something inside of me will not allow me to rest. I’m not worried that she will leave me. She is extremely committed and through some extremely bad fights we have had she hasn’t once wavered. I am very lucky. I want her to feel the same. I want to be someone she deserves. I am not hopelessly depressed. I know that I have many talents and abilities that make me attractive to her, but I humbly know that this behavior is not acceptable and must change. I can’t have this happen when I someday am a father.
If only it were as simple as getting rid of my computer…that would cure it (it did last time I quit), but I am a freelance web designer and I must have it to work with. She works full time so there isn’t really a way for her to monitor me when I’m on it except at night and that is our time to do things other than work. I am still attracted to her so much, but what if this interferes with that physical attraction? The thought of this sickens me and it’s almost enough to alone cure me….but almost only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.