One of the most common questions we receive from those struggling with pornography addiction is: “Should I Tell My Wife I Have a Porn Problem?” A recent blog post on the Candeo website is along these lines and very common:
“. . . admitting to my wife will be the hardest and how she will accept me. We are close to separation. Every time she asked me what was wrong I could not tell her. I have failed her and my self.”
This comment illustrates several key issues. First, it is extremely difficult for a pornography addict to disclose to his spouse. Or, if he is not married, it can be just as difficult to disclose to a parent or girlfriend. Why? The individual who posted the blog comment expressed his greatest concern when he said-”. . . and how she will accept me.” We all want to be accepted, valued and thought well of. A husband wants to be a hero, a “knight in shining armor” to his wife. A son wants to be considered a success, someone his parents can be proud of. I can tell you from my own recovery years, our greatest fear as an addict is disappointing those we care about most. We fear letting them down and being a failure or weak in their eyes. This fear is often so intense that we keep our porn addiction a secret at all costs-we are convinced that the risks of discovery are too great. We believe things like, “If they ever find out the truth, they could never accept me,” or “If they really knew about my dark side, they could never love me.” In addition, we also fear that we will not be able to cope with the difficulties of life without our “drug of choice.” If we tell others about our addiction, then they’ll expect us to give it up, and we’re not sure we’re ready to do that.
Hiding Your True Self is TOXIC!
Relationships are vital to our happiness, and our emotional and psychological health. There is one relationship that is most important–the one we have with ourselves. It’s impossible to be happy or tranquil if we are not at peace with ourselves. To be at peace with ourselves we have to have some degree of self-respect. Self-respect is the foundation of our self-relationship. It’s hard to live with one’s self if you don’t respect who you are.
Many people look for validation from sources mainly outside themselves. These individuals are usually “people-pleasers” because they essentially bury their own ego. They try to impress others and stress out if someone rejects them. They seek for validation from an infinite number of sources; i.e., education status, popularity, physical attractiveness, worldly accomplishments, expensive clothes, etc. This is always risky and never gives a person real peace or confidence. Some people look to themselves for validation–how they evaluate and judge themselves. Most are far too critical in general, but especially of themselves. Self-criticism is NOT a virtue! Nor is it healthy. People thrive in environments that are nurturing, supportive, loving, tolerant and forgiving. Who do we spend the most time with? Ourselves. If we are not our own best friend, then we are betraying ourselves–and that hurts!
In order to thrive, we also need relationships with other people. We need others, and we value their love and acceptance of us. However, others have only a very limited view of who we really are. We generally only let them see what we want them to see, or feel safe letting them see. We generally fear that if a person knew us intimately they would be disappointed, put off, or critical about parts of us–so we hide parts of ourselves to protect ourselves. Big Mistake! The reason is, the more we hide the less the person knows us and the less there is to relate to. If we only allow a person to see our good side, then they feel vulnerable about being real with us. Hiding or masking our flaws from others is toxic because we are rejecting a part of ourselves. We think, “If that person really knew me they might reject me.” But in doing so, we are essentially rejecting a part of ourselves.
Hiding ourselves from others; putting on a show; wearing various masks–all of these things hurt us. The truth is, we are ALL human and have strengths AND weaknesses. As a psychologist I see an interesting phenomenon–the more a person is truly open the more people are generally relieved and feel free to risk and engage in a real and intimate relationship with that person. The person is generally honored for his or her honesty and openness because others realize the individual is letting them in, trusting them. This is how real intimacy, trust and commitment are born. However, this kind of openness is very difficult for many because they self-criticize, self-judge and reject a part of themselves. This begins to erode self-respect and the very core of who they are. They lose confidence, become more inhibited and self-rejecting. That snowballs into generalized failure and lack of passionate living altogether.
The truth is we ALL have negative AND positive tendencies, habits and attributes. We ALL experience successes AND failures. We are all in this game of life together. What we ALL need is more love, acceptance, patience, forgiveness, help, and a deep commitment to play this game of life well–and it has to start with one’s self. A secret is like a barrier between yourself and anyone. When I first became a Psychologist I read a book that has continually and powerfully influenced me. It made a tremendous amount of sense to me. It was The Transparent Self by Sidney M. Jourard. I would heartily recommend it! Since first reading it, I have included its theme in my own personal creed: always be completely Honest, Open and Frank–Transparent. My wife has helped me. At times she shares personal things that quite literally freak-me-out! I blush and at times want to crawl under a rock. However, I have always admired her for her candor and openness. The interesting thing is that every time she risks being really open with people–it always ends up drawing people to her. People generally love my wife, because what you see is what you get. She is as healthy psychologically as anyone I know. As I have risked with her, and she with me, I have come to trust the principle of honest, open and frank even more.
What if someone doesn’t react well to your openness and rejects you? That’s their prerogative, but you’ll find that it doesn’t happen very often. Regardless of how others respond to your openness and honesty, the most important thing is that you have demonstrated real self-acceptance, self-value and self-trust. In your heart you can say, “Hey, you can accept or reject me, BUT I ACCEPT AND VALUE ME–all of me just as I am; the Good, the Bad and the Ugly.”
Remember, you are constantly changing. We all change all the time. Who you are now isn’t who you are going to be later. We are in a process of growing, maturing and developing. A reasonable, intelligent and mature person realizes this about himself and others, and lives by the aphorism, “He or she who is without sin, let him or her cast the first stone. As for me, I choose to love, support and encourage all, including myself!”
Healthy people don’t need the approval of others to feel of value. They are comfortable with who they are in this moment. They accept the truth and the reality of life–the full reality of who they really are and of who others really are. Rather than rejecting, criticizing or judging, they love, support and encourage themselves and others on this journey of life. It is the ONLY reasonable way; the only way to true and lasting inner peace and happiness.
