With our latest amazing technology that we have to study the brain and the vastness of its capacity and the incredible incomprehensible miracle that it is 
– we are left at the end of the day to just sit back and exclaim: “How great thou art, How great thou art!” As we study neural connections and networks, neurotransmitters, and the delicate interaction of all parts it is beyond our finite understanding to grasp what we are and how we are able to do what we do. We have come a long way in developing our computer technology. Still, we are not yet close to having a supercomputer that can even have one independent thought or feeling. Such a machine would take billions of dollars of development and would occupy massive buildings. Yet here we are as human beings that are capable of thinking, feeling, having fairly rational and moral judgment, in a mobile and very condensed environment that is self-perpetuating.
As a psychologist of 25 years I am in awe of human beings. We possess capabilities that are light years ahead of our current technology. However, there is one power that far exceeds all the rest. Love. Love is absolutely necessary for happiness. I learned early that People Need People. Without love we become mentally ill. I believe that love is the only true power. People need to be loved to be healthy. However, noted psychologist Carl Rogers, in his book On Becoming A Person, found that giving love is three times more powerful than receiving love in building self-esteem. We cannot always control whether we receive love, but we can control when we give it!
I have found that it is much easier for some people to love and accept others than to accept themselves. This is sad, because a person spends all of their time with themselves! If you are going to spend that amount of time with someone — you better darn-well at least like them! Loving oneself is no different than loving and accepting others. Just as a best friend is loyal, kind, accepting, tolerant and forgiving to their best friend; you need to have those same qualities in relating to yourself! No one is perfect! If you have friends, then it is because of the previous qualities. If you started criticizing, judging and rejecting your friend as soon as you saw them, I can guarantee you would not have friends long. Don’t betray yourself. Be loyal, trustworthy, kind, tolerant and forgiving with yourself. Develop a Best Friend with yourself.
Because of technology people are suffering more than ever with shyness and social phobia. In fact, I was reading research a few years ago that stated that approximately 50% of adults suffer from some degree of social phobia. Too many people are alone in a crowd. Loneliness is a horrible emotion, especially when there are so many people around us. Married people can often feel more lonely than single people, especially if the marriage is not healthy. Many live lives of quiet desperation seeking and longing for love and connectedness.
It is because of loneliness and social and emotional disconnection that many suffer from a sexual addiction. Many get caught in the trap of engaging in “fantasized intimacy”. The sad truth is that after a pseudo-intimate encounter with pornography, prostitution or other “perversion” of a real committed intimate sexual relationship with someone that is loved, the person feels more isolated and alone than ever. A sexual addiction is a cheap substitute for real, committed and genuine human love and intimacy. Many people who are sexually addicted need to learn how, or develop the courage, to connect on an emotionally intimate level with others before they can rise above a sexual addiction. Love is the Answer, Love is Always the Answer.
What is the very purpose and meaning of life? It is to be happy. If we are not happy, what is the point? There is only one way to be happy–through love! Love and respect for ourselves and for others. Misery comes from deep loneliness and isolation. As human beings we were made and created to love. Without it, we experience shallowness, void and despair. We NEED each other! People need people. The deeper and more affectionate our love, the deeper and greater our happiness.
Because of insecurity, shyness and lack of courage too many isolate themselves. They want to love and be loved, but find themselves alone. Their lives are often tortured with loneliness and secrecy. Too many are afraid to be honest, open and transparent with others–to be fully known. Because we are social beings too many assuage these feelings with fantasies and imaginations of love and connection. Too many are vulnerable to the emptiness of pornography. It gives them pleasure, but not satisfaction; lust but not love; objectification of the body but not commitment to the soul. Love is rich, satisfying, respectful, devoted and committed. Pornography is cheap, fleeting, isolated, shallow and superficial. One is real nourishment, the other is empty calories; with one we live, the other we starve.
It’s interesting to note that in my treatment of sexual addiction, as my patients give and receive “real” love, they move away from pornography. If the expression of love is affection, then I say be abundantly affectionate–not out of selfish interest, but with a motive of true commitment and forging a bond with another person. When I was getting my Ph.D. one of my colleagues found in her research that the more a father loves his daughter the less likely he is to sexually abuse her. She found that love is a prevention and protection from using someone sexually for selfish pleasure.
Shouldn’t we all develop within ourselves genuine and deep love–first, for those close to us, and then for everyone around us? The reward is our own deep happiness, respect and richness in life. “If you want to be good at something, what do you have to do?” I challenge all of us to develop and practice being loving, helpful, deeply committed to those around us and genuinely and abundantly affectionate to all. As we habitually care about others, serve others and love others, we become the beneficiaries of truly abundant living.
