There are many millions of individuals across the world struggling to overcome unwanted sexual outlets and behaviors. On our Candeo blogs, we often receive comments asking, “Where do I find the motivation to stop these behaviors and get my life back?”
In the Candeo program, our worldwide “Students” have the opportunity to communicate, share and support each other through our “Student Forum.” Here are some comments directly from Candeo Students about “Where to find the motivation to quit.”
On the Candeo Forum, a new Student asked for advice on “how to stay motivated” to stop masturbating—
I have a kind of the “chicken or the egg” problem, which comes first? Discipline to stay away from porn or discipline for self-improvement. If I had the motivation and discipline to be “nonnegotiable” in the areas that you mentioned, journaling, praying, reading, etc., I know pornography wouldn’t be a problem. I just fail to stay motivated to be disciplined enough to do those tasks. It kind of reminds me of my jogging experience. One year I decided I wanted to start jogging. I got up bright and early every morning, rain or shine, and jogged 2 or 3 miles. I read RunnersWorld faithfully and enjoyed the experience immensely for several months (even considered marathon training), but winter came along and for some reason I lost interest. I seem to do that in a lot of areas in life. I get excited and motivated about something and then my interest just fizzles out.
True to form, I have treated the Candeo program the same way. With that being said, the crux of the problem appears to be motivation. If someone was paying me each morning to get up and go jogging or to get up and do my journaling, I know I would do it, but personal improvement, long term contentment, happiness, satisfaction, and peace, although very desirable, don’t have an immediate payoff on my emotions. So, as sad as that is, I don’t stay away from porn because I don’t feel any immediate gratification to avoid it.
How do you stay motivated?
Here’s a response from one of Candeo’s Students—
Sometimes I read posts on this forum to try and determine how others find the motivation to take this program seriously enough to structure a recovery. I am convinced 100% that with enough motivation and diligent attention to Candeo, anyone could rid themselves of this addiction in a relatively short timeframe. That is from my experience and what I read on the forum.
What causes people to find that inner motivation to really get after it diligently? I guess it is different for each person. But for me, it was just a couple of things.
Others, I have read about here seem to have life situations that become a powerful motivator: divorces, something illegal happens, maybe their kid catches them watching porn, they lose their job when their boss catches them, they do something so outrageous it shocks even their own internal value system…all those really fun things that we flirt with all the time as we engage in this crap.
But it will be individual for each person. Can you create the motivation inside yourself to make this happen? I believe so. Better that than have to face the music when one of these fun scenarios above comes up!
How do you create the motivation? I believe you build it using some of the programs in Candeo, or maybe you can pray for it. But I think it can be done if you want to make it happen.
I wish you success in finding your inner motivation to do this. I don’t believe you can truly be happy in life until you do!
Here’s another Candeo Student offering advice on the Student Forum—
Your question about motivation is a good one. How do we find the motivation? You’d make a lot of money if you could package that formula and sell it. I often wonder why some athletes that have so much potential waste it. I would love to have their physical skills, and it frustrates me that their abilities are being “wasted.” Motivation is tough to pin down for each person, but there are thousands of stories of people who have risen from the ashes to do amazing things. One of my favorite motivational stories is the story of Jean Valjean from Les Miserables–even though it is fiction. Because of the love and example of the Bishop of Digne—Jean Valjean, a man who is hardened from a life in prison, changes in an incredible and very profound way. We don’t know how long it takes for the changes to take place, but eventually he is able to bless the lives of hundreds of people, which it appears brought him a lot of joy.
I wandered around for a long time fighting this addiction, and my motivation went through peaks and valleys. Like Thomas points out, part of it was picturing my life that I’d just wasted by being addicted to porn. I was reaching a low point, and I didn’t like who I was becoming. I didn’t want to lose another year (or day) to porn; I was tired of the lies, and I wanted to be free.
If you continue to work the system I believe you will find the motivation. It is a struggle for everyone to stay motivated all the time. I believe for that reason we have to be disciplined like you and Recover100 point out. (note: all Candeo Students have an anonymous “screen name.”) We need some reserves to be built up for those days when it is hard to find the motivation, and then when they are spent we build back up again. It is an up and down process.
This is what I remember: Pornography is toxic, and it is ruining your life. Every time you say to yourself: “this is my last time” or “what does it matter if I look one more time” you are lying to yourself and reinforcing to your brain and soul all the negativity associated with porn. Finally, you don’t live on an island. What I do affects others. If the mothers of these porn stars ever met me and could express their feelings, they’d spit in my face and ask how I could forget their daughters are people and not objects. How could I objectify them. What if someone did that to my daughter. I have a daughter, and the thought of her ever living this life makes me shudder.
Don’t give up. You aren’t alone. Motivation is tough for all of us, but it accumulates even through the peaks and the valleys. The longer you stick with CANDEO and work it, the more consistent you will become until you are free. Then you do whatever you can to never go back. You are right: It is a bit of the chicken and egg, so you have to picture that life free from porn and really work on wanting it. It is worth all the effort it will take.
If you’re trying to find the motivation to start you own journey of breaking free from unwanted sexual outlets and behaviors, start the Candeo program. You can check it out for 30 days with no risk. The Candeo tools, training, coaching and ongoing support have helped struggling individuals all over the world. It can help you. And the Candeo Students are ready to offer advice and support. The exciting part is, as you progress down your own path of freedom, you will become a mentor and support to others who struggle.
Play this Episode:
This is the Official Podcast from Candeo. The Answer For Your Porn Addiction. Episode 10. December 23, 2008. With Mark Kastleman. This weeks episode is titled, “His Porn Use is NOT About You!”
http://candeocan.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/candeo-podcast-episode-10-his-porn-use-is-not-about-you.mp3
It has been estimated that there are over 60 million people in the U.S. alone who are involved with Internet pornography use at some level. This has become an overwhelming epidemic. Understandably, there is a great deal of focus on helping individuals break out of their pornography use. However, with so much attention on the porn user, another very significant person is often neglected–the wife or girlfriend. When you first discover that your companion is involved with pornography, it’s normal to enter a period of denial to block the pain and devastation. Some even dismiss the behavior as just something that guys do–”boys will be boys.” Many experience a sea of emotions that can include: inadequate, deceived, isolated, rejected, angry, responsible, ashamed, betrayed, lost, sad, desperate, confused, severely disappointed, and afraid of being alone. It can be very difficult to know exactly how to handle all of this. After years of experience working with pornography addicts and their companions, the most important first step you must take is realizing that individual’s pornography use is NOT ABOUT YOU!
This Isn’t About You
Although it can be difficult to grasp, you must come to an understanding of the reality that your companion’s pornography use is not about you! To help you fully accept this fact, you must first realize that pornography and other sexual addictions are literally a “drug addiction” with a neuro-chemical effect on the brain that is very similar to cocaine and other illicit street drugs.
Pornography addiction is a “chemical addiction.” Pornography is powerful because it takes advantage of and taps into intense emotional, biological and chemical connections throughout the brain and the entire body. We are born with many of these connections “pre-wired” or “pre-set” to switch on at certain times in our development. Pornography seeks to twist the truth and “mimic” or “counterfeit” this built-in attraction. Its goal is to ignite, excite and exploit these natural built-in urges and desires.
During sexual process, the brain begins narrowing its focus as it releases a tidal wave of endorphins and other neurochemicals like dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin and serotonin. These “natural drugs” produce a tremendous rush or high. When these chemicals are released during healthy marital intimacy we refer to them as “the fabulous four” because of the myriad positive benefits they generate between husband and wife. When they are released during pornography use, we call them “the fearsome four” due to the severe addiction and many negative consequences they produce in the brain and nervous system.
Now you know why we refer to pornography use as “substance abuse.” In fact, the neurochemical release triggered by pornography viewing is so intense, many scientists refer to it as an “roto-toxin” and the most powerful drug in history.
Many would agree that we live in the most stressful time in the history of the world–there are more than enough pressures to push us to seek escape through many forms of self-medication–both healthy and destructive. Imagine taking the most powerful drug in history and making it instantly available at the push of a button, at little or no cost. Your drug use is secret, and the drug dealers come to you! That’s exactly what the Internet has done with pornography. It’s what we call the “4 A’s of the Internet” Accessible, Affordable, Anonymous and Aggressive. Now can you understand why some estimates show more than 60 million people in the U.S. caught up in this “drug use” at some level?
As you can now see, the triggers and motivations for pornography use are very similar to the underlying causes that lead people to alcoholism, drug abuse and other addictions. Imagine a woman with a heroine-addicted husband declaring, “If only I was more sexually responsive, if I kept a cleaner house, if I lost some weight . . . my husband would stop using drugs.” Of course, that’s ridiculous, and so is blaming yourself for your companion’s pornography use or other inappropriate sexual behaviors. So, as you help your companion progress on his recovery journey, always keep in mind that “his addiction is not about you.” This knowledge will help you push through many of the negative emotions you are feeling, and focus instead on being your companion’s recovery partner.
For more information about the Candeo Pornography Addiction Recovery Training program, please visit www.candeocan.com.
Play this Episode:
This is the Official Podcast from Candeo. The Answer For Your Porn Addiction. Episode 9. December 9, 2008. With Mark Kastleman. This weeks episode is titled, “The Amazing Power of Journaling”.
http://candeocan.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/candeo-podcast-episode-9-the-amazing-power-of-journaling.mp3
