As I reflect back on my own heavy addiction years, and consider the many thousands of struggling individuals I’ve communicated with over more than a decade, I notice some very common frustrations, confusion, and just plain exasperation! Here’s a recent blog comment on our site that really says it well:
“PATHETIC how WEAK the human brain is! I don’t know what to do. I’ve had this problem for way too long! I have actually started to hate real women because it’s not like it’s ‘easy’ to get with them. everything in life has to be a ‘challenge’ huh? Well it’s no stinking wonder why we get addicted to something like porn. But then the porn itself becomes an even bigger problem.”
“I often question myself and ask myself while I have the urge to ‘act out’ and seek porn : What IF I DON’T look at porn…..what if I just resist and endure the pain…what is the worst that could happen? But I still fail and go ahead and look at the porn. I am seriously disappointed in the human brain – this type of addiction simply shouldn’t happen. Nature has too many flaws! The reason I blame nature instead of blaming myself is cause,..well,…look how many people this thing affects! I am starting the cycle again….it seems like I cannot go more than 4 days without indulging…I’m so pathetic…are women really that awesome? Honestly, I just really am disappointed in myself for having such a strong lust for people who are merely our sexual opposites. I am going to keep trying to quit.”
I love the honesty and transparency of this guy’s comments. What he describes is exactly what I and so many others have felt. It’s a soup of emotions all mixed together. It starts with outright frustration—“Why can’t I just leave this stuff alone? What’s wrong with me? It shouldn’t be that hard—just decide and then do it!” Then you throw some confusion and mystery into the mix—“Why does my crazy brain function this way? How can some stupid images be this powerful?” Then you toss in some plain old disgust—“I can’t believe how pathetic and weak I am! This whole sex urge and brain addiction thing is ridiculous!” Finally, you add some rationalization, blame, a healthy dose of shame, and some hopelessness—and there you have it—the complex emotional soup known as “porn addiction.” And fortunately, for many of us, there are two additional ingredients we manage to force into the mix, albeit in meager amounts—a pinch of hope and a smidge of determination. By a miracle, we keep hanging on to the dream that we can somehow beat this thing!
How do you start to get a handle on the crazy emotions that your porn addiction cycle triggers? How do you keep from going crazy? The first thing to understand is there is nothing mysterious about your situation. There is a logical, scientific explanation and process behind your addiction, or what we call, “How did I get here?” Once you understand the brain science behind addiction, you can trace the step-by-step process that landed you in your current rut. This understanding is a big part of beginning to rid yourself of shame and self-loathing because it proves that you aren’t a loser, freak, pervert or lost cause! Just like a cocaine addict or alcoholic, there is a logical explanation behind your addiction.
Second, you must learn that your are NOT permanently stuck in your addiction—there is a step-by-step process that will lead you out. The amazing thing about this recovery process is that it is very similar to the one that developed your addiction in the first place! As we say, “What got you into your addiction, can get you out.” It’s a matter of learning HOW your brain forms dominant habits, and then harnessing and directing that process to build new healthy habits and a way of life that no longer includes pornography as your “drug of choice.”
The latest neuroscience proves that our brains are “neuro-plastic” or in other words, moldable and changeable. You can’t recover with the dominant addiction circuitry you have in your brain today. You must learn how to shrink that addiction circuitry while building and expanding new healthy circuitry. Brain scans show that this can be done. You possess within yourself all of the fundamental building blocks to make it happen. All you lack is the training, tools, skills and consistent repetition over time.
Come and let us help you change your brain and break out of your addiction. Get started with the Candeo program and get moving down the path to freedom!
Play this Episode:
[audio:http://spouses.candeocan.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/candeo-podcast-for-women-_its-not-your-fault_-episode-5-helping-your-husband-recover-from-porn-addiction.mp3]
This is the Candeo Podcast for Women, “It’s Not Your Fault”. A frank discussion of issues surrounding pornography addiction. Episode 5. April 27, 2009. With Host Becky Harding. This weeks episode is titled, “Helping Your Husband Recover From Porn Addiction.”
Click HERE to see all episodes in iTunes.
I just had a terrific athlete come into my office who is struggling with a pornography addiction. He has been to five other therapists and to a program that specialize in sexual addiction. I asked him how he has tried to overcome his addiction. He said through trying not to think about it, lots of therapy, keeping himself busy, etc. etc. etc.
I said, So basically through “avoidance”. He acknowledged that was true. He was shocked at my excitement. I explained I was excited because avoidance doesn’t work, it only makes it worse. He smiled. I quizzed him if he had become a great athlete through avoidance? Now he was laughing. I said, “If you want to be good at something, what do you have to do” “Practice”, he said. “Right! If you develop a bad habit in sports how do you overcome it?” “You practice doing what’s right over and over until it is a habit.” Exactly! I said. “If you are confronted with a sexual thought or stimulus you habitually go down this road. What would happen if you practiced going down another road?” You could see the light go on. He got it.
Sex is one of the greatest things God has placed on this earth. You can follow it down one road or take it down another road. One is hell and one is heaven. One is lonely and isolated the other is fulfilling, deeply meaningful, intimate and committed.
Practicing something over and over repetitiously actually changes our brain. It becomes a deeply ingrained habit. This is a scientific fact. We don’t have to think about walking, talking, writing, typing, or driving. We have done them so much they are automatic. We can do this with anything! It can be behaviors, thoughts, attitudes or even the way we relate to others. This isn’t rocket science — it’s psychology — it’s life! He is on his road to recovery! He gets it. He has done this kind of change frequently; he’s an athlete; he’s a human being.
