A woman shares her story about discovering her husband’s porn addiction-the emotional trauma; tough decisions; personal growth; utilizing the power of the Candeo program to work together; finding success, peace of mind, new trust and connection on their recovery journey.
“About a year and a half ago I realized my husband had been dabbling in pornography. I was heart broken. We’d only been married a little over a year and I wondered why I wasn’t good enough for him, I felt dirty, violated and stupid for not catching on sooner. I did my best to move forward as he assured me this had only been happening for a couple of weeks. Somehow I couldn’t fully trust him again. I couldn’t stop snooping through his stuff, his phone, anything that would give me clues to what was really going on. I did find evidence that convinced me that he hadn’t just happened upon some pictures, he was addicted and needed help. Once again I felt alone, frustrated and betrayed. What had happened to our happy marriage? I was suspicious about EVERYTHING and completely miserable. Things finally got to the point where I realized his pornography addiction had led him into other areas of infidelity. I was a wreck, he felt awful and we both knew we needed help or our marriage was going to fail.
A year ago we started the Candeo program. I went through a lot of it with him. I didn’t know my heart could keep breaking as secrets kept coming to light. I kept reminding myself that he was finally telling the truth because he loved me and wanted to be honest with me as he had not been before. Although I knew he was making progress and getting better about being honest I was having a harder and harder time trusting him because of the things he was telling me. We both tried hard to share our feelings with each other about how each of us was doing but for me there were so many triggers that got my thoughts looping. Many times I held back because I knew he was trying hard and I didn’t want to bring him down with me. I really didn’t think I’d ever be able to move past the hurt I was feeling.
At our rock bottom point I finally shared with him that divorce had been weighing heavily on my mind. This wasn’t a threat, we weren’t in a fight it was just during one of our sessions with this program. That was the HARDEST conversation I have EVER had, but we both realized that neither of us really wanted that and we needed to kick our efforts up a notch. We rededicated ourselves to our marriage by applying what we learned through Candeo.
Although we started this program because of my husbands actions, I realized that I had a lot to work on too. The things that have helped me most in this program have been learning to be completely honest in communicating with my spouse, the gratitude breathing techniques to clear my thought process, and the Face, Replace and Connect process. The latter two help me in any attitude or thought process I am trying to improve and I’ve noticed as I’ve tried to improve my attitude that my husband does better too. I am so grateful for this program. It has helped me and my husband. We are doing better now than we ever were before. We trust each other. My husband hasn’t viewed pornography in months and I don’t worry about him. I know that if he slips he will tell me and I know if I have a hard day he will support me. We couldn’t have gotten to the point we are at this quickly had it not been for Candeo.”
Sallie
May 12, 2009 • 9:53 am
This story was eye opening for me. As the spouse of an addict, I didn’t really realize that I had things to work on too. The face it and replace it method could also help me in overcoming negative thoughts about myself, my husband, and the situation we are in. Thanks for the inspiring story. It’s always refreshing to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel…
M
May 12, 2009 • 9:55 am
I feel like I need constant reminders and support that I am not the only woman who is married to an porn addict. I’m so glad this woman was willing to share her story, as I’m sure it will be helpful to many, many women who are trying to help their husbands. Thanks Candeo!
Ken
May 12, 2009 • 10:59 am
This story inspires me. I cannot be myself with my girlfriend. I feel as if I am hiding from her.my shame & guilt grow deeper. Making it hard for me to call to talk too her. I feel like a nobody.I feel like have no personality about me. I feel lifeless and worthless also hopeless in my situation. dilemma or whatever someone else calls it. I call this painful severe suffering for me. with my girlfriend I have gone incognito as she put it. This has gone on with pornography for 16 years. After reading this I want to change. Ken
Gem
May 12, 2009 • 12:29 pm
it is hard when someone finds the really loved one doing something like this……such real stories will be a ray of light to some who really want freedom from their so called addiction
Anonymous
May 12, 2009 • 4:12 pm
I love that story but have not yet been blessed with a partner that strong and amazing. I would love if someone had advice or a story for those of us who so desire to rid our lives of things that seperate us from our loving God and wonderful families, but are currently going about it alone. Thank you all for the courage of sharing your hardships that motivate the rest of us to keep fighting the enemy.
den
May 12, 2009 • 10:55 pm
I’m happy to hear the wife of the addict sticking by her repentent husband….I have been an addict for 43 yrs. and showed signs of addiction for 4 yrs. before. This program is brand new to me and an extention of my healing that started in an A.R.P. program I have been in for 18 months now. I needed this education yrs. ago. However I will not lament the past but continually give gratitude for the opportunity to live long enough to change….and secure a hope for my future.
Kenny
May 13, 2009 • 12:15 am
My girlfriend and I are ready to start the program and I am really looking foward to it. THings are a little tight money wise, so I have been listening to the podcasts in the car and feel that I have already made so progress. I cant wait to have the tools to help myself to get over this problem. but mostly I want to have the tools to help her trust me agian. Like this lady and her husband there is a lot of work to do on both of our sides. Thank you for sharing
Josue
May 13, 2009 • 12:18 am
I appreciate this. Thanks.
Maria
May 13, 2009 • 5:52 am
I’m having alot of heartache & pain. My husband is a liar & denies it all. I’m so upset over this. Thank U all 4 sharing, it’s a comfort. Thanks to this program. Our marriage is horrible and miserable. I am in pain.
Anonymous
May 14, 2009 • 6:33 am
I love reading these stories of success. My live in boyfriend has an addiction which I just found out about 6 months or so about. I have appealed to him for us to join this program but he just keeps saying he can do it alone. He is not doing this, however, only claims to be and now I am ready to break up with him over it. Its nice to know that there are men out there willing to come forward and admit to their addiction and then work together with their partner to get past it. Good luck to all of you!!
Freida
May 15, 2009 • 8:29 am
I too have heard the promises that my husband (two yrs. married but lived together for 10) will get help on his own. He’s also a drug addict who’s been in AA for almost a yr. but just recently slipped so I have very little hope in these types of programs. It’s just another type of addiction feeding his ego. Drugs, sex and the sneaky life style seems to be the attraction above all else. I am ready to call it quits. I am so tired of the lies. I have been getting your emails and have tried to get my husband to join the program. When I catch him in another lie, something on his computer, even setting up dates on Craig’s List I realize he’s lost to this behavior and I need to save myself. He’s 48 hrs. old and been doing all of these behaviors for over 30 yrs. now. I need my life back. I’m losing my kids who don’t want to be around if he’s around. I’m lonely and miserable. It seems I am always finding out something new and when a few weeks go by in a good way again I find one more thing that jolts me back into reality and just who he really is. My life and health and self esteme are gradually disapearing. I am so mad and upset that people like this have the right to bring so many people down with them. Anger is all I have a this moment.
Dedan
May 16, 2009 • 5:01 am
I do enjoy this program so much.Thank you for ur advise and hoping i am going to recover soon
Stephanie
May 18, 2009 • 9:16 am
I have a boyfriend that loves to view porn and I’m sure he also pleasures himself to it. I am not happy with our sex life. It’s like he has this sex drive for porn, but not for me! I’m so hurt about it and constantly think about leaving him. I blame myself and think that I’m not physically attractive or good enough for him. I keep telling myself to lose weight, then he’ll want me like he wants them. I’m just so hurt and tired of feeling horrible about myself. He won’t admit that he’s got a problem and needs to stop. He says that it’s a “Guy Thing” and that it’s “Normal”. I don’t agree! I believe that it’s a form of cheating, and that it hurts our lives/ sex lives. I think that porn gives you this view on what sex should be, and then you’re just disappointed when you really do have sex with someone…I’m just so depressed and I wish that he would see that…thanks, It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one going through this…
Alex
May 19, 2009 • 12:52 am
Wow. Reading all the comments made me realize how similar everybody stories are. I have discovered that i was a porn addict about 1.5 years ago. I didnt think there was anything wrong with me, and was anyoed by the fact that my girlfriend was complaining that i was distant. I was so pissed of, since i was not cheating and that in my eyes was allready enoght to keep every woman happy. After a while ( a long while) , i began to notice that my behavior was abnormal. For example i would stay up all night watching porn, even if i had something important next morning etc. My first step was to check out a book, called “dont call it love” it talked about sex addiction, and i was shoked to realize that i had all of the qualities of an addict. That is when my jorney to quit began. I have tried many things and a failed many times. About a year into trying to quit i came across Mark Kastelman’s book “the drug of new milenium” it was a break throught for me. Couple month later I joined this program. Since then my life has transformed in amazing way. Over past 4 months I had one slip up, and few periods of depression and abuse of other things(food, tv, funny videos). This however a major improvement for me since i used to spend 20 to 40 hours a week watching porn. My relationship with my GF of 4 years has improved dramatically too.
To all of you women of porn addicts out there, dont give up. If you see that your man is doing what he thinka is his best and loves you, keep given him a chance. Once he will learn that there is a better way, he will improve. The good way to tell if the man loves you or not is by looking at why he is staying with you. If he geta something out of it (money, free service our place to stay) may be he doesnt love you, and will be beter for you to let go. At the same time if he appears to be a shalow pornograpger, but for some reason stays with you and does not cheat on you with other person, and does not leave you to chase after somebody else, chances are he lovea you. I used to think all man are animals(!my parents had a rough divorce) and that the only way to control that animal is by watching porn. I know it sounds weird but in my mind back then watching porn was the best thing u could do to save my relationship… Anyway I can go on for ever.
Last suggestion, when trying to confront your man do your homework beforehand. Catch him when his mind is clear ( if you went for a nature walk or saw a very inspiring movie etc). Just maje sure that he is at his best nd able to think logically. Then let him know that you have somethibg very serious to tell him, and that you need his undevided attention and make sure he agrees to provide it. Then give him logical facts that identify sickness of his behaviour, an your concern. I.e you stay up until 4 in the morning every night, watch porn at work or on computer that kids use, you stopped being intimate with me, you try to fund excuses to be alone at home, you prefer porn to real sex, you seem distant and like there is something on your mind, you get angry fir no apperent reason etc. This will make hin THINK that may be you do have a point after all. Forcing him to sign up for a program will not do it. He has to want to change, and for that he needs to realize that something need chamging, that he is damageding and destroying his most important relationship in life, and that yhere is a better way.
The process takes a long time, but it works and it is great. Lets learn to live healthy and lets spread the word, and hopefully our children will not have to go through this hell. But like Cherchile said ( i think) “If you find yourself walking in Hell, keep walking”
P.S. Please forgive my horrible spelling. English is my 2nd language and i am writing from a mobile.
Tikva
May 19, 2009 • 1:36 pm
Reading the story and everyone’s comments left me in tears. I started to remember all of the pain, neglect, worthlessness, and sadness that filled me everyday, that left me awake at night, and cursed me to go on another day. I have been with boyfriend for about 4 years now, a journey that secretly and silently had pornography playing in the background.
I remember the distant feeling I was feeling from him. I remember him being consumed in front of the computer for hours, feeling invisible to his surroundings. I remember being so curious as to why he had such a strong connection to his computer. I remember seeing the browser history filled with pornographic titles. I remember clicking on one of the out of pure curiosity to see what was so great about this. I remember feeling shocked, numb, incredible disbelief of what I was watching. I remember all of the pictures he saved in a computer file….right next to pictures of us. I remember recalling the video and pictures I saw and felt incomparable to them. I felt jealous of them. They had his attention, his intimacy, his brain, and his heart.
I lost all trust in him. I became paranoid whenever his phone would ring. I became suspicious of EVERY HOUR he spent on the computer or whenever he would go out. I didn’t believe anything he said. It got to the point where I didn’t believe that he loves me.
I felt competitive. I felt insignificant. I felt inferior, hideous, ugly, not good enough, disgusting, and most of all…worthless.
I found myself trying to be like these women in these ungodly videos and photos. I found myself laying there in shame, in sin, and in regret. I remember thinking, “Why am I with this man? Why am I with a man that makes me feel sh*t.” A monster grew inside me. I became more self-conscious about body than I ever had in my life. I hated looking at myself in the mirror. I hated eating. I made myself working out just about everyday and sometimes twice a day. Even with all the exercising, I still didn’t feel good enough. I remember visiting many websites to see how much breast augmentation would cost me. I never, ever, in my entire life, would actually consider doing that.
He realized that there is actually something happening. Just the fact that he acknowledged and admitted to this problem gave me hope. This journey was not an easy one. But I must say that his drive and strong desire to get rid of this evil thing that has taken over his life, my life, and our relationship has been the key. He wants it out of his life. He wants a future. He wants a wife and children. He wants to live life. He has been sober for a few months now. Everyday clean day, is another day to freedom.
But it’s not only him that needs to do something. I realized that I had to do something too. I first of all needed to take care of myself. I needed to find myself again, rebuild my heart, the image of myself, my confidence, and self-worth. I lost all of that. And I have yet to regain it.
I remember all the times I wanted to give up on him, me, and us. But I love him. I see that this addiction is NOT him. I see the good man that he is, the father that he can be, and the husband I can love forever.
I see his effort and his involvement in helping others like him. I see the improvement of our relationship, how better we communicate, and much more we love each other. And I see our future addiction-free and porn-free.
Anne
May 24, 2009 • 11:47 am
Reading these comments brought back a flood of memories of how I felt when I found my husband’s addiction. I instantly wondered what I had done to make him want to cheat on me. I had recently lost a lot of weight and he was so happy for me. I felt very sexy, until everything exploded. I stopped eating – mainly because I had no appetite due to depression. I lost so much weight that he became concerned for my health. He saw what it was doing to me, and that finally convinced him to come clean about everything. Together we realized that he had an addiction and it would not go away without help. It started with magazines and when that wasn’t enough it turned to internet porn. Eventually that lead to sexual emails with other women, and then he started meeting them in person. He was doing things with these women that he would never do with me. Things I wasn’t interested in. And that is how he seperated the two. He could have very intimate relations with his wife and be naughty with the others. He was two different people. And the sad part is that he wasn’t even enjoying the affairs, it was just an addiction that he couldn’t stop even though he had tried several times. I was so incredibly mad, hurt and depressed but also felt sorry for him. When he denied the addiction at first I thought it was my fault and I started doing things with him that I didn’t enjoy. I thought it would make him want to stop. But once he admitted everything we realized that wouldn’t have worked anyway. It was melding the his two lives and making things worse. He quit everything cold turkey and we got professional help. It was like a light went on in his head. He wasn’t a bad person, but he had a major addiction. We worked through it together and focused on our relationship one day at a time. We appreciated each other more and realized what we meant to each other. It is still a work in progress, but I am here to say that there is hope out there. The first step is admitting the problem and then you can fight it as one. Until that happens, do not blame yourself. It is not your fault. He has to want to help himself first and foremost. And the best thing you can do is be there for support.
vicky
May 25, 2009 • 11:21 am
Hi!
I discovered my husband addiction 2 years ago, after 1 year of marriage.
Like many women I felt betrayed, angry and I can’t trust my husband anymore. We talked about it and he told me he is been watching it for more than 20 years…..
He doesn’t see it as an addiction or doesn’t make a connection between his EED and porn……
Porn has effected our sexual life and the marriage.
I feel sad , lonely, mostly because he doesn’t want to change anything……he thinks I am the one that’s making a big deal and that is nothing wrong to watch porn and masturbate in front of the computer for 4 days /week.
Anonymous
May 30, 2009 • 12:11 am
So anyone who looks at porn is an addict? I happen to know couples who watch it together. Anything can become and addiction if you spend all your time in it and sacrifice areas of your life for it. Gaming, chatting, blogging, eating, talking on the phone of course drugs and alcohol. I just find it funny that if you find the first site of porn on your husbands computer your like oh no my husband is a sexual deviant and perv, give me a freaking break.
karen
July 17, 2009 • 9:23 am
I had the most beautiful marriage for 11 years. During my husbands illness I did not have much of a social life. My time and efforts were taking care of my husbands needs and I had to work to keep up my insurance health benefits.My husband had a heart condition became very ill and passed away. Hospice is a wonderful organization.I naturally was deeply hurt to my husbands loss. I was ready to move on and start a new life. Later,I started dating and met this man from my church. I noticed that when we would go out he would look at women alot. I brought this to his attention. At first he said he didn’t notice he was doing it. I proceeded to see it more and more.. I saw many good qualities in him. He was very educated. I took notice that he was on the net alot. He proposed to me. The one question I asked before I married this man are you into internet porn? I felt it was a fair question. He of course said no. He was so comforting and I trusted him. You want to go into a marriage with trust and honesty. Losing a wonderful spouse is never ever easy. We’ll 7 1/2 weeks into the marriage I found the truth myself on the net. Why did this man have to hurt me like this? Did he not care about the pain I went through the losing a loving husband. How disrespectful can this person be to me? Then the ultimate thoughts came. I am not good enough. I am not beautiful (I feel I am a beautiful person inside and out). Everything a women has felt about porn I have felt it to. These men do not understand the hurt and pain this causes. They are so selfish and caught up in there own insecurities. He said that if he would of told me the truth he was fearful I would leave him. He could not stand up to the plate and be a real man. I will never trust this man again. Some things are just so much more important than a good women to love them, be their best friend, or even make them feel beautiful. Doing all kinds of things for them. What a waste of time, energy, and money on them. Why hide your addiction. It makes it very much worse in the longrun. I have to much self respect for myself. I do not need to babysit a 53 year old. Maybe if he had only been honest with me from the beginning he would of seen a whole new light of frienship and forgiveness.As for him he could of had a very beautiful wife. My heart goes out to all you other women. Keep strong, Keep smiling and know you are all very beautiful.
karen
July 17, 2009 • 9:38 am
More importantly, myself, or any of you women out there do not deserve this. I went to counseling with him. I tried to show support but it hurts way to much.
karen
July 17, 2009 • 9:41 am
Men, it is truly a mental affair online.
r
September 19, 2009 • 3:21 am
I am up late, searching for peace. I was involved in the online viewing of porn for several years. It sneaks in so subtle, but then gets you down. She asked me to stop, but I said it was just recreational. Before long she accepted it and was participating in the process. I know it must have been humiliating at first for her, but soon she enjoyed the attention and spice. I realized there was trouble and was ready to make the change, but she assured me it was ok. As a christian, I feel Satan infiltrated me, then my wife. Over a month ago, my happily married wife, asked me to give her space and let her think. (spouses…never leave your home for someones space, that is code word for affair) I never expected this. It was devastating, soon I found out that she had lost control and been seeing someone else. Now our happy little family is going through a very nasty divorce. Everyone loses! Kids are devastated and I believe porn started this process of destruction. If you are involved please quit. If your spouse is involved, be strong, understanding, and don’t fall for the tricks of it being ok. I hope and pray that no one has to live through what I am now. God Bless you
ashamed
September 23, 2009 • 8:52 pm
I have been with my partner for a couple of years, we have a 1 year old together and we are getting married in 2 months. My partner had discovered my addiction to porn this year. i promised her i would not do it again and i truely meant my words, but i found myself faulting again, when she discovered i had been up to my old tricks she gave me 1 last chance to stop it or it would be over. I again promised her that i would not do it again. I considered it an addiction because it was an outlet to look at other woman that i would not have a chance with and it gave me a thrill. But i know in my heart there is only 1 true love for me that no porn or pictures/videos would ever compare to and that is my undying love for my fiance. Since the last time i have not looked at porn nor have a downloaded it (knowingly). Recently she discovered an episode of The family Guy on my computer that was not an episode of the animation but of porn. When i originally opened this file and the porn came up, i closed it right away and moved to a video that was correct. I dont know why i didnt delete it but i had the immediate instict to not watch it and get away. Now i am being accused of changing the file name to hide it. This is something i had done previously because i had a share pc with my brother who i didnt want him to see it and i had a share work laptop that obvioulsy i didnt want other people and my boss to see. But i have not change names on files since being with my partner. I am in therapy now to help our relationship and i willmy be talking about my previous addiction to my therapist. My partner says that your addiction does not just go away, i agree to some level because i didnt delete the only porn video right away. But on the other hand i didnt watch it, and i closed it down straight away. I am very upset because up to now we had been working betting on our relationship and some dweeb has put us back to almost breaking up point because the renamed an episode of a show i like and it turned out to be porn. I don’t know how to show my partner that i am reformed, i have changed and she does come first. I know this was my own doing, and i have to work on this very hard to get us back to the way we were.
maria
July 23, 2010 • 3:08 am
I feel so bad and stupid at the same time. My boyfriend killed all the trust that I can have in a men. He never stops every time that he has a chance he watches pornography, he sex text, he does everything related with that, I feel like every time he sees a women he naked them with his eyes. I really want to get out of this relationship. is very destructive for me. I went to LA a few days ago,and he went to the Airport to pick me up and took me to my place and sadly I discovered that he was watching pornography, kinky sex and etc, etc, and he had the nerve to say that he was searching for something else, he tries to insult my intelligence all the time when I proved to him the reality of his addiction. He has no respect for me or my place (my apartment) he uses to watch his nasty things. I told him to get out of my life but he stays, I’m afraid to be his enemy. But one thing for sure I don’t want him anymore. I’m confused, how he can say that he loves me when he does porn and we had no sex for more than 3 years. YES, I KNOW WHAT YOU THINK…. That I’m stupid for staying, but trust me is a long history, I could type all night long about the excuses for staying in this “relationship” He still making life plans with me. BUT I DON’T WANT IT!!!!
maria
July 23, 2010 • 3:42 am
Tikva, I agree with you that’s exactly what happened to me with my boyfriend, everything you describe in your comment it happen to me. Like u said and I said I don’t know how can I still in this “relationship” with this man who makes me feel like a sh*t. And like I said in my previous comment I could be typing all night long about the excuses for staying in this “relationship” He still making life plans for us, BUT I DON’T WANT IT!!!!
Tisa Sukovaty
December 11, 2011 • 3:22 pm
This blog is getting my interest. I have great time viewing this. I will be following your posts.